Toronto Raptors vs. Bizarro Raptors, 8pm

Let’s blame Dirk for the shitty weather today as well. Or should we just continue to blame Mitchell? Old bastard’s more stubborn than James Dolan, and like the Knick fans, we’re the ones who suffer.

I’m praying to see a big cane creeping out from stage left…but then again, I was calling for Smitch’s head all of last season as well.

I could sit here and bitch about how last night’s performance debacle caused me to down a half bottle of Grey Goose and contemplate sending a 7-iron through my television, but the Arsenalist did pretty well on his own.

At least those guys at the Score tried multiple times to unplug the video feed and numb our pain. Thanks for the technical difficulties, guys. It was eerily fitting.

But on to tonight, because bad memories make baby Jesus cry.

After the 3.5 hr flight from Texas to Tennessee, we’re back in action against the New Look Grizzlies, aka the Bizarro Raptors.

Quick List:

– Heach Coach Marc Iavaroni. If his name sounds familiar, it’s becuase he’s same guy Colangelo was rumored to be bringing in to replace Smitch at the beginning of last season. He’s an immensily respected coach/offensive genius who was D’Antoni’s right hand man in Phoenix. What could have been…

– We’ve got two Spaniards. They’ve got two Spaniards. Might we see them all on the floor at the same time? If they all took the court before tearing off their jerseys, revealing the Spanish National uniform under their team uni’s, then lined up together to challenge the Grizz/Raptors, I wouldn’t be totally surprised.

– We’ve both got Canadian heritage. Once upon a time, Memphis was in Vancouver (where the name Grizzlies made only a bit more sense). Toronto is still in Toronto.

– Damon Stoudamire, our one time ROY point guard, is now their starting point guard. We called him ‘Mighty Mouse’, now they call him ‘Mightly Lucky to Still Be The Starting Point Guard’.

– They like to sprint and shoot, we like to sprint and shoot. The only difference being that “sprinting and shooting” is their game plan, not a default strategy.

(Am I missing anything?)

Regardless, any time you face off against your twin, it’s going to be tough. Especially when it’s a smarter, faster, Gayer twin.

Long gone are the days when Memphis was a walk-through win on your southern swing. They’re better than their 3-7 record indicates: The result of a new coach, new players, and a Conference more difficult than Trivial Pursuit: 1870’s edition. That’s all without mentioning they’re doomed to compete in a division with Houston, New Orleans, Dallas, and San Antonio The Decepticons, a combined 32-12. They’ll be looking to pick up a win against a struggling team on the second half of a back to back against a team in turmoil. If I know Iavaroni (and I don’t), he’ll be pushing this game into Mach 3 to see how long the Raptors can keep up.

If we have any designs on victory, we can’t get caught up in their pace. We keep them under 100, we win. If we play less than 48 minutes (like we do almost every night) we’re in deeper shit than a midget stable sweep. This is one of those “character check” games. Throw your cocks on the table and show us what you’re made of. (Metaphorical cocks only, please. None of these.)

I’ll be sitting there with the other half of that Grey Goose bottle, a notepad, and my fingers crossed…

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