15-11, Toronto vs. Portland 10:00pm

“It was one of those nights you just wanted to end.” – Doug Smith

That last quarter dragged on worse than a Hollywood awards show, made worse because there weren’t even hot actresses to distract me (though I’m confident Dan Dickau could pass for Maggie Gyllenhaal in the right light).  

I was dozing off on the couch, waiting for the first sign that we had the game under control so I could go to bed. And with every turnover, every missed free throw, every Frahm three kept me from my pillow. Finally, with 9.1 seconds left and the Raptors on the way to the line up 4, I went turned off the TV. And prayed we held on. So when my car radio on the way to work screamed “what a devastating loss for the Toronto…” I almost crashed into a snowbank. Thank god the sentence ended “…Maple Leafs.” I should have known.

When they announced the starting lineups at tipoff, I couldn’t believe that Ritchie Frahm, Brevin Knight, half of Tim Thomas’ rotting corpse, Chris Kaman, and Corey Maggette were starting this game. They might as well have put 2.5 players on the court. How could we possibly consider ourselves contenders if we lost this one? 

Before the game I was thinking that because the Clips shoot the second worst percentage in the league, hopefully that’ll help clog the sieve that is our defence. So of course we let them go off for 51.3% in the first half. Thankfully we maintained our composure in the second until The Slippers (soft, and we stuck our foot right up them) returned to form, scoring only 28 points after halftime on 39% shooting. You can give partial credit to the help defense, but the Clippers sucked the way only the Clippers can.

Footage of the swarm.  

Thank god we held on, as we almost squandered another controlling lead in the last two minutes of the game. Know what? Scratch that. We didn’t hold on so much as the clock ran out. If there were fifteen more second on the clock, the Clippers might have stolen that win.


  • Jamario Moon might break the Raptors consecutive block record. And this is the only guy who cares.
  • Kaman didn’t devour us after all. He had his way in the first half, but Rasho ixnayed him in the second by keeping him out of position. Suck on that, Rasho haters!

Because the rest of his team was already lying down, Kaman decided to join. 

  • Ritchie Frahm and Dan Dickau share more than just the same blind barber,  friends since elementary school. Doesn’t this seem fitting? I bet they found their first pube together. They must have be quite the asshole twosome in high school. At least now they have each other to talk to at the end of the bench about the good old days, when they were, like, respected (until their ten-day contracts run out).
  • Good for Bosh for taking the franchise rebounding crown from that ignoramus who didn’t want his kids taught “Canadian” (because the system that produces this is much more desirable). 
  • Things we learned: Derrick Martin is never the first offensive option. But at least the little guy found an NBA employee he’s can compete agianst (sorry Dan Dickau, but you’re Paul Shirley without the vocabulary.)
  • Humphries should request that 50 DVD’s be burned of the bucket where he snagged Delfino’s missed free throw from three Clips then dropped it in for the easy deuce. This will come in handy come contract time.
  • BREAKING NEWS: Chris Kaman has ADD!!! I bet Leo Rautins begged them to add it to the sports ticker. Guess what? So does every Western human born after 1980!! It’s called information overload. (By the way, the BEST part of Leo’s story was how Chris has found some ‘special doctor’ who’s treating his ADD with some newfangled medicine called “video games.” Video games? I’m pretty sure they’re what causes ADD in the first place.
  • The fact that they replayed Dickau tripping over his own feet and turning over the ball during a three on two is just cruel.
  • When Jamario takes it to the rack, good things happen.

Okay, once more, from another angle.  

  • Bargnani had one good bucket (3 in the first), one good board (in the third), one good block (in the third), and one good assist (in the second). At least it’s something. He’s gone from indispensible to useless back ’round to semi-watchable.
  • Bosh seems to finally be reading his job description and taking it hard to the hole. On consecutive plays, to boot! 

  • That Bosh/Moon double block on Maggette was fantastic.

Tonight, we’ll have to take off the offensive handcuffs if we want to roll through Portland. Nifty’s back in tonight for the Blazers, who have been doing more than okay without him (if you consider 8 in a row ‘okay’). It wasn’t too long ago that the Blazers were burning more than just trails, but three smart draft picks and the annexation of the venomous Zach Randolph has turned this team around. 

Can we contain Roy? Will LaMarcus spark new life into the Bargnani draft debate? Is Jarrett Jack the next Derrick Martin? Does Portland have hot cheerleaders? Tune in tonight to find out!

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