Raptors vs. Lakers, 7:00pm

Welcome to Toronto, Kobe!

Thanks for bringing the sunshine along for the ride! As you can see we’re having a wee bit of snowfall in Ontario today, but I’m not bitter, no! I love soaked socks, frozen snot, and dry, cracked skin.

(Why do I live here?)

Let’s begin today by entering a new word in the Dinosty Dictionary, courteously coined by reader JonW:

CALDERROBBED (CALL’DUR’OBBED): verb, to calderrob; calderrobbing

DEFINITION: To deprive someone deserving of professional or personal accolades unjustly or injuriously. Specific to a situation where you see it coming.

I was a shoe-in for the promotion, but of course I got calderrobbed when it went to my boss’ retard stepson.

To mourn the calderrobbing of Jose’s All-Star reserve spot, I am wearing black today. Just thought you should know. (If Wade can’t play, Ocho still has a chance. Though I think he’s still behind Wallace and Jefferson*).

*Which is a change, because it’s usually Luke Walton who’s behind Jefferson.

So… the Lakers, huh? I hear they’ve got some pretty good players. There’s this guy, they call him the Dark Rattlesnake or something like that – rumor has it he’s not bad at this roundball business. In years past, he’s had to do it all himself (raping without an accomplice is tougher than it sounds), but for the first season since The Big Slowdown was traded to Miami, dude’s got some legit teammates around him.

And as I’m posting this, it’s reported that the Lakers just got a whole shitload scarier by adding Pau Gasol for a broken He-Man figurine, a slightly scratched copy of “Shamrocks and Shenanigans”, and a booklet of discounted tune-up coupons. Wow. Talk about a fleecing (but what can you expect from a team that just traded FOR Jason Collins? Who’s in charge over there, Isiah?). I just hope there’s enough touches for everyone. But how the Lakers got Pau by only giving away Kwame Brown’s stone hands*, Javaris Crittendon (because that’s what the Grizz need, ANOTHER young point guard), and a bunch of nothingness is beyond me. I’m just happy that both Kwame and Pau aren’t playing against us tonight…so who’s playing center? Mr. PF Ronny Turiaf? I think we just found our key to victory.

* From first overall to salary relief. Well, at least he’s got that college degree to fall back o….oh, wait. Right.

Honestly*, sometimes, I forget Kobe’s even on the Lakers. In the past, if you could stop Kobe (you can’t), there was no one else to step up to the plate. But now with Odom, Walton, and Fisher playing well, plus the emergence of Bynum, Turiaf, Vujicic, and Farmar (oh, and this All-Star named Gasol), this team is a deep, legit West contender that NOBODY wants to see in the playoffs. Don’t forget that, like perennial contenders the Spurs and Pistons, these guys have been playing together for a few seasons now, and we’re witnessing the maturation of a team that doesn’t need Mamba to score 81 points (which I will NEVER forget, I’ll have you know) in order to win. The Bynum injury was a major blow, but Pau and Turiaf are more than a band-aid: they’re a full fledged transfusion.

*I’m lying.

Quick story: I was in LA last week, sitting at Katana, some chi-chi asain tapas restaurant that ended up being better than I expected. Sitting at the table right across from me was Ronny Turiaf and a group of non-famous friends. I pretty much stared at him the whole meal, even giving him one of those ‘wassup, I know you’ head-nods when our gazes met. He rolled his eyes and quickly turned away…but I know he was like, ‘yo, that little white man was cool‘.

These Lakers are an impressive 28-16, though they’ve dropped four of their last five. Which Raptors will we see tonight: The 70% 3-point shooting, ball-moving blitzkreig? Or the one-and-done, careless turnover farm team? With the news of Gasol sure to give them a boost, we can only hope their tank is empty after running ragged in the Palace last night. The fact that they don’t have a center on the roster tonight does bode well, though. As HP opined, “Bosh might drop 82.” Wouldn’t that be fitting.

Finally, all this topsy-turvy Raptor inconsistency has led me to ponder this question:

If aliens descended onto earth and needed an immediate, broad-strokes briefing on the 2007-2008 Toronto Raptors, what would you tell them?

Leave your answers in the comments section. I’ll post mine tomorrow.

(Gasol? Seriously? WOW.)

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