*Completely accurate and not-at-all made up.
Andrea Bargnani’s Hotel Bill
Rigatoni al pollo x 3
Pizzas (pepperoni, mushroom, mozzarella) x 5
Multipulciano D’Abruzzo x 10
San Pellegrino x 15
Tartufo x 3
Moisturizing Hand Cream x 1
Sleep Mask x 2
Slippers, size XXL x 2
Note: Bedframe damaged, cracked in middle
Jason Kapono’s Form Apology Letter
Totally missed you like crazy and stuff, snugglepuss! By the way, have I told you you’re beautiful/how much I love you/you look skinny lately?
Anyhoo, no biggie… but if my shirt/pants/underwear/penis smelled like someone else’s perfume when I got home from roadtrip/Humphries’ house/All-Star Weekend, it’s not what you think. I was shopping to buy YOU perfume to thank you for being so beautiful/make you feel like an angel/show you I’m not a cheater, and I accidentally spilled some on myself. Whoops! What a boner. I would never (see, I underlined it!) cheat on you, my little Asheroo 😉 Not convinced? Just look at your fancy home/Jimmy Choos/big fucking diamond, would someone who didn’t love you buy you those things? Exactly. Smooches.
Let’s put this nightlong argument/little misunderstanding/he-said-she-said behind us, cool? Maybe it’d help if you took this extra cash (attached – don’t throw out envelope!) that I made at bus poker game/3-point shootout/Connect Four with Maceo and bought yourself something short and revealing. Plunging necklines a plus.
Wuv ya! Thanks for being so cool babe.
Oh, and those beads/phone numbers/empty condom wrappers/AA batteries in my pants pocket? Not mine. Found ’em at church, and you always tell me God doesn’t like litter so I did the right thing. Go ahead and throw those out.
Are y’all as excited as I am? I mean, N’Awlins!
Jamario Moon’s New Orleans Checklist
– Take photos with MJ, ‘Nique, or Magic (dream come true: priority)
– Get Lebron’s Blackberry Pin
– Invite Barkley for po-boys
– Wrestle a crocodile. (Don’t wanna get rusty!)
– Have hurricane drinking contest with Andrea: See who can hold pee longest!
– Get voodoo doll (promised Jose)
– Act the fool
– See if Deborah Cox is wearing a wedding ring
– Shave moustache?
Chris Bosh’s girlfriend is the true MVP of the All-Star game.
With the criticism still ringing in her ears from when she taunted Lebron James into singlehandedly ‘Supermanning dat hoe’ in Toronto, Bosh’s girl vowed to make good.
So it was little surprise that she spent the entire All-Star game distracting the Western Conference players. This time, it worked. And she didn’t have to say a word. Ain’t how they do it in New Orleans. Instead, she sat in her courtside seat and did this:
Your welcome for the boobs. And yes, it’s really like that.
Now let’s get back to real basketball.Follow @raptorsrepublic