I’ve decided to give up on the Raptors and follow the Knicks as my “favorite team”. This decision came last night after a lengthy and through-provoking discussion with my shrink who advised me to look out for my long-term happiness rather than get mired in the insecurities of the tumultuous near future. He told me that when it’s all said and done, money talks and bullshit walks. Now granted that this doesn’t sound like a sage’s advice as the $300/hr rate might lead you to believe but Dr. Stein did make a lot of sense. Says he that since I’m so emotionally involved with the well-being of the team and since that such well-being also determines the well-being of the people I live with (I throw chairs at people), it is best that I invest in sureties rather than risks. Naturally, I asked him what this had to do with me following the Knicks seeing how they’ve become the scum of the NBA and how even New Jersey laughs at them. The answer was surprising yet convincing.

According to The Stein the Knicks will amass more wins over the next 10 years than the Raptors and will always be closer to a title than us for decades and possibly centuries to come. When I heard that my first instinct was to get up and take a piss in Stein’s vase of petunias which serves as the centerpiece of the table between my couch and his chair. Unfortunately, I had just visited the bathroom so there was no need to go again. Instead I got out of my reclining position, sat on the couch, put my elbows on my knees, crossed my hands and gave The Stein the same look Arnold gave the Predator when he was covered in mud and said, “Say what?”. Stein told me to relax and sit back and think about the facts, then he said the following:

Mr. Arse, you’ve been a 10-year patient of mine and I owe it to you to tell the complete truth and nothing but the truth. So I regret to inform you that although the Raptors will surely out-perform the Knicks this coming season and maybe even the next, the balance of power will hardly shift towards Toronto in the long-term. The Knicks will always have more money to spend and will always attract free agents just because of where they play. Sure, the last few years have been tough because of Isiah but things will come to pass, they’re not going to be stuck in salary cap hell forever and eventually when Curry, Randolph, Marbury and other such lard contracts will expire they’ll get a chance to reset. Sooner or later they’re going to get a real GM, maybe even Colangelo, and end up climbing the ladder of respectability.

Of the 13 seasons the two clubs have been in the league together the Knicks have had the better record nine times. That doesn’t sound like much but its the percentage that I think will hold true for the next millennium unless the core principles of running the Toronto Raptors migrates from running a profitable business to striving to win an NBA title. I’m not saying both can’t happen but when priorities are scheduled the latter needs to take precedence. The Knicks might be a dysfunctional team with incompetent management but deep down their core principle is right: they’re trying to win a title. How successful they’ve been of late hardly matters, the current suffering is bound to end because the goal of the organization is still more viable for fan happiness than the Toronto Raptors.

I’ve also noticed that you have a subconscious inferiority complex about the Raptors which can’t be justified. Sure, we play in Canada – the supposed wasteland of the NBA – where we need to overpay players to sign with us, beg them not to leave and hope to hit a home-run in the draft rather than just pick out free agents every summer. Deep down you know that this city is far superior to almost all other NBA cities but yet we still need to resort to these measures just to keep the seats filled. You’re wondering whether it will ever end and there will be a summer where we won’t have to worry about either bringing someone in or keeping someone here, we could just relax and put agents on hold as they call us. Truth is that its likely never to happen, especially with a strong Canadian dollar (good for business, bad for players), higher living expenses and stringent tax laws. You’ll always be fighting this emotional battle which will end up leaving you (if it hasn’t already) barely satisfied with the current roster and wishing/hoping that at least 10 things go right for your team to have a shot at something meaningful. Stop lying to yourself. Please.

So consider the switcharoo to becoming a Knicks fan. I understand that your loyalty lies with the team that is geographically closer to you (in this case 500 meters) but as your doctor I’m concerned about your health and would advice the switch to be made within the next two years.

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