Dear Sam Mitchell, Love Kris Humphries

Dear Coach Sam Mitchell,

GR8 GAME LAST NITE!! Hard fought victory on the road, one of those “character” wins you’re always talking about. It looked like a real good time from the bench.

So…speaking of that…good three games and all…and I ‘preciate that you’re the coach…but I gotta ask: what’s up with my minutes? You’re killing me here! This is worse than what old man Sloan did in Utah.

Please don’t play Humph like this.

I’ve never been real good with the whole “patience” thing, and I know it’s about the team or whatever, but do you really want #7 in there instead of the Humph Hustle? He’s too lazy to even close his mouth half the time! I don’t get it. I’ll be all over those boards. And I won’t even shoot if I’m open!

Even if we did have some words last season, I’m a different guy this year.  Didn’t you see, I grew my hair? I registered to vote, and stopped saying “asposta” and “fridgerator”. It’s this girl I met this summer: 32, great rack, some sort of lawyer…long story short banging her made me much more mature. I even started doing my own laundry in August and I think I’m really starting to get the hang of it (try using TWO Bounce sheets, its awesome!).

I know, I know, you shortened up your rotation but come on, I can contribute. Let me prove that you can stop calling me Instant Turnover. I’ll for sure do my best to not make more boner moves – I know what they do to your blood pressure – all I need is a chance. A “shat”. Just let me show you my stuff. Wait…I mean, like on the court not, y’know, my “stuff” stuff…that’s gay. And Humph don’t roll like that, though I do get offers.

I’ve never been a bench player, my whole life. All my friends and family tell me I could be an All-Star if I just get my burn. Did you know I was named Minnesota’s Mr. Basketball in 2004? And was CB’s teammate in the Junior World Championships? Betcha didn’t know you had THEE Olympians on the squad…just sayin’.

I been havin’ these nightmares where my sister is trapped in a car that’s going up in flames, and she’s screaming for my help and I’m right there, only I can’t save her because you sent in Andrea instead. That’s messed up, right? That’s like a matador for my whole situation. I guess what I’m askin’ is that if you just believe in me, I won’t let my sis burn to death.

Thanks for hearin’ me out. Go Raptors.

Sincerely With Warm Kind Regards,
Kris Nathan Humphries
p.s. Yeah, my middle name’s Nathan. See? There’s a lot you don’t know about me.

To Top