AltRaps is back for the Kings game, so bear with me for another one of these. I’ll follow with a recap around 11AM or so…
It’s the “Simpsons” edition.
Adams – He’s the guy you find in malls testing those massage chairs much to the annoyance of the sales staff. Asked Triano if he could bring one in but was told it was against NBA regulations; was then shocked to find out that he’s in the NBA. Hans Moleman.
Bargnani – Stiff personified. The Darko 2.0 nickname implies he’s the second version of Darko. Not true, he’s worse. He’s Bargnani 1.0. Clipper announcers on VL: “#1 pick, now he’s a utility man, he doesn’t know where he’s going or what he’s doing, all he’s done is pick up fouls”. We should just bench him to prevent his trade value falling any further. Ralph Wiggum.
Bosh – Woke up for the NBA TV audience, after all can’t let potential employers see you taking a night off against the Clippers without Kaman and Camby. Was having a good game before Randolph went down but after Z-Bo (self appointed nickname, he has the license plate too) went out, took over. 18 points in the fourth quarter including 2 threes. People south of the border have a much higher opinion of him than Raptors fans. Rainier Wolfcastle.
Calderon – Apparently has the “highest dribble” in the NBA and is loved by Americans who think he is a “great” point guard, we should’ve traded him at the deadline last year and then re-signed him in the summer. Outside the box thinking Bryan, outside the box. 9 points and 8 assists but more importantly didn’t get exploited by Davis or Gordon who were a combined 10 for 29. The Bumble Bee Man.
Graham – Has more zeores in his line than JO’s salary. Drederick Tatum.
Humphries – Either he’s sitting too far down the bench for Triano to see him or he’s sucking ass in practice because he’s gone from 2nd guy off the bench to Hassan’s best friend. Finally got in the game in garbage time for a whopping three minutes. Again, all of VL’s minutes should be going to Hump. Every. Single. One. Duffman.
Kapono – We could have Wilt, Kareem and Worthy in our front-court and Kapono still wouldn’t be able to hit a traditional 3-pointer off a double-team. 2-8 in 24 minutes in a starting role when Bosh and JO were both commanding double teams. His greatest feat is conning Colangelo. Troy McClure.
Moon – Much more effective sans headband. Opposing wings circle Raptor games with a bright red stinky marker so give credit to Moon for keeping Thornton (1-10) in check. Look past the three lazy J’s and focus on the cut for the jam. Carl.
O’Neal – 23 pts, 9 rebs and 5 blocks. Another solid offensive game, helped the Raptors get off to a great start and was a presence in the paint whenever the lethargic Clippers managed to motivate themselves to drive to the rim. As I said, his offense is coming back to where it was before he went down. Radioactive Man.
Parker – Every time he makes a mistake he has the gaaaayeeessst reaction. Made only one today, passed into the second row without any pressure on him. 12 points, 7 rebounds on 5-7 FG off the bench? Give us more of that and we’ll consider keeping you past the deadline. If nothing else, it’ll help us get something more than a 2nd rounder when we do ship you off to San Antonio. Principal Skinner.
Solomon – Mathematicians and statisticians were summoned from across the globe immediately after the game to find out what the probability of him ever finishing with a +9 again are! Leapfrogged Ukic into the backup PG spot and delivered a couple nice looking threes. Capital City Goofball.
Ukic – In all fairness to Calderon, he wasn’t as bad as Ukic his rookie year. Uter.
Voshkuhl – Tonight on Unsolved Mysteries: How did a man go from bagging groceries to stealing Hump’s minutes? Jimbo Jones.
Driving the bus – Chris Bosh
Under the bus – Andrea Bargnani
Game theme – Crazy Indian Video – Buffalaxed!Follow @raptorsrepublic