jazz-it-milkshake

It goes without saying we match up horribly against this team. Truly, they drink our milkshake.  

Our defense can’t handle their star, their post players, or their shooters. Our offense can’t handle their team defense. Our fragile psyche can’t handle their stoic discipline. But it IS always fun watching Lebron the Incredible and his merry men dismantle the Raptors. Watching him makes your team losing okay (unless you’re Detroit). He’s the NBA version of cheese pizza – regardless of your favorite, you still love getting a piece. Even the Raptors seem to enjoy losing to him, seeing as we haven’t won in Cleveland since April 6th, 2004. To put that in perspective, the Cavs still had Boozer, we still had Vince, and RapsFan still had his virginity.

The Cavs and the Raptors are two teams on inverse but parallel trajectories. One is a team climbing up the NBA elite, riding a two game win streak and 7-3 in their last ten games. The other is dropping down the rankings like an Acme anvil,  3-7 in their last ten and stuck in a two game losing streak. Both have stars of the 2003 draft class as their centerpieces. One looks like a chiseled Greek statue. One looks like an upside down mop. 

Last time we played Cleveland we lost 114-94 and got beaten in every statistical category. No joke, EVERY FREAKIN’ CATEGORY. Points off turnovers, points in the paint, fast break points, second chance points, field goal %, three-point %, free throw %, offensive rebounds, defensive rebounds, assists, steals, turnovers, personal fouls…they won them all. There’s humbling, and there’s embarrassing. I wouldn’t be surprised if they managed to beat us in minutes played.

The Vegas line is Cleveland -10.5 and considering they lead the NBA in margin of victory with 10/game, I’d say those are the best odds in Vegas other than the odds there will be a soiled condom behind your hotel bed. a) trust me – if you look hard enough, you’ll find one. b) Don’t stay at the Golden Nugget.

Hopefully, said condom is the result of a fine evening with Katie, our featured Cavalierette. She’s a true fan. Most little kids want to be firemen, astronauts, or princesses when they grow up. Not our Katie.

“Being a Cavalier Girl has been a goal of mine since I’ve was very young. I really have been training my whole entire life for it. Being a part of the team last year was amazing and I feel lucky to have experienced it.”

Despite the fact that she’s got a face you’d find in a transgendered Craigslist ad, you’ll have to believe me when I say that this is the best the Cavs Girls have to offer. Maybe Lebron fu#@*ed the pretty off them all. I bet he’s like a jackhammer through strawberry jam. And speaking of getting pounded…

MATCHUPS

Calderon vs. Williams EDGE: Williams
Jose better double-knot his laces, because he’s going to be chasing Mo around screens all night. The only thing Jose can do is try to make Mo work hard on defence, because Calderon straight can’t guard someone of Williams’ quickness and handles. Looking for a fun drinking game? Every time Williams penetrates and kicks out to an open shooter, take a shot. Just don’t expect to be awake past half-time.

Parker vs. Pavlovic EDGE: Parker
Pavlovic will be camped out at the three point line, shot-ready, every minute he’s on the court. If Parker collapses on penetration, he’s going to get lit up. If he doesn’t, Pavlovic will be neutralized. On offense, AP needs to stay aggressive against the semi-slow Euro, who doesn’t usually guard offensive threats, instead deferring to Lebron or Williams’…oh, what the hell. I’m going to go ahead and call this the most boring matchup of the game. They could play 4-on-4 and no one would know the difference. 

Moon vs. James EDGE: Moon
That’s right, I’m giving the edge to Moon. How lucky is he to be on the court with a player of Lebron’s caliber? He’ll be telling his grandkids/great-nephews, “I got beat by the best.” 

(seriously though, Triano might as well bench Jamario and Kapono and let Joey go the full 48 against James. He needs the experience.)

Bosh vs. B. Wallace EDGE: Bosh
Now that he’s old and slow, Big Ben isn’t nearly as scary as he used to be. Which means Bosh should take his tail out from between his legs and take it to the rack. If Bosh settles for jumper after jumper again Ben wins this matchup, no matter how many points CB scores. Bosh needs to bring his “MVP” mindset to this game. If he can get Wallace in foul trouble, get to the line, and force Mike Brown to sift through his thin frontcourt, the Raptors have a chance…to not get blown out. 
Bargnani vs. Varejao EDGE: Bargnani
Anderson Varajeo can do a lot of things: scoring the ball isn’t one of them. Because Andrea won’t be busting his ass on the defensive end, look for him to bring the offense in this one. If Z ends up playing, even better for Andrea because the big Lithuanian moves like he smokes three packs a day. Il Mago guards bigger players surprisingly well, and won’t be phased should Ilgauskas hit the floor.

PREDICTION: Did I mention the Cavs are 22-0 at home? I predict that I will be cheering for Lebron by the second quarter, that Bargnani will drop 20+, and that the Raptors will lose by 15.

We got a podcast coming out in the morning too so watch out for that. It’s a “can’t miss” if you like the draft.