The “what happens if a rave breaks out at a basketball game” edition:

 

Alabi: your guess is as good as mine as to what you will get out of this guy. So, lets go with mine: you know when you crack open a peanut shell and inside is just a shrivelled up remnant of what used to be a peanut? Bingo.

Andersen: Aussie Aussie Aussie…..flagrant flagrant flagrant. This guy is right in my wheelhouse: tall, lanky, dishevelled appearance, can hit it from outside and comes off as being able to make you whimper in a thumb wrestling contest while giving you that steel-gaze look that would give chills to your dead grandmother. Could be the best 10th-man pickup in the history of the franchise.

Banks: as much as things change, they also stay the same. Inactive while also being unactive.

Barbosa: quite the contraption on his hand. I was kind of hoping to see him smash it against his own head, some blood capsules explode, and hear him bellow out some French swear words as he stomped down the floor toward Turiaf. Didn’t start off well, turned it on a bit as the game went on, but still rung up a putrid 6/16. We need help from at least 4 of our main 6-8 guys in order to beat even the lesser teams this year and he just didn’t bring it.

Bargnani: I don’t know if it was the fact that he was asked to address the crowd before the game, but he came out looking like a new man. I was impressed with his effort and how he seemed to shake off the preseason funk, for at least one night. Offensively, of course.

Calderon: Attempted (and completed) some risky passes early and played under control, which has always been my barometer for him. 7 assists in 17 minutes is about what we need on an average night and he fared well.

Davis: digging those duds. North Carolina did this man right.

DeRozan: The loafer, errrr, leader of the Young Zeros tonight. This guy impresses me about as much as a Gina at the Kool Haus on a Saturday night drinking Grey Goose with a straw. I just want to smack the kid. He was aggressive in spurts but we need a replacement for Bosh’s trips to the stripe. Andrea isn’t going to produce them, so DeMar needs to claim that role.

Dorsey: spending the night with the po-po.

Evans: speaking of orange jumpsuits, Reginald owned the glass and made it scream his name. Double digits at the half, he ended up with 16 and in another bonus, only attempted 2 shots all game. Sure, he committed 5 fouls but faulting him for that would be like faulting your boy for pleasuring himself to pictures of Kim Kardashian.

Jack: certainly the spark that brought us out of that first half malaise. He needs to keep his head in the game 90% of the time this year for us to even sniff 30 wins. He checked out way too often last season. He claims to want to be a leader and he showed signs tonight.

Johnson: 4 fouls in 2 minutes. As useless as a faucet salesman in the desert. Onez is the number of minutes he should see the floor on a night like this. Shape up.

Kleiza: underwhelming comes to mind. 5/12 isn’t acceptable as a starter especially when you play the Knicks and you are pegged as one of the guys who could blow the game open for us. Expecting a big bounceback on Friday.

Weems: If tonight is any indication, his moniker shouldn’t be “Money” it should be “Available for Trade”. If that look on his face was honest in that he was pissed at himself, then I give him credit. His momma would slap him if she was there. Pitiful performance against an opponent he planned for for almost a week.

Wright: this years version of POB. Untapped potential on the court, nothing but net in the clubs.

Driving The Bus: Andrea Bargnani

Under The Bus: Amir Johnson

Game Theme (**NSFW**) :

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