Playoffs, Here We Come!

I’m a little disappointed by how little Posh Spice was featured in this video. Now before you say, Arse, what is wrong with you, Posh looks like Falcor, I would point out that not always did she look like that. She might look like Falcor now, but there was a time when things weren’t so bad. After searching the internet to find a decent looking pic of her from the 90s and meeting with failure, I’ve decided to end this intro, and get to my point: The Raptors will make the playoffs next season.

No, no, no. This is not a claim that I am making because there is nothing else going on and I need to come up with wild predictions. No, sir. No. Not at all. This is the result of a scientific model I developed on Wednesday night after I came back from Hemingways. It’s based on the following assumptions:

Andrea Bargnani will finally say “F**k this shit!” and decide to show these “Young Ones” just who the man is. This realization by Bargnani will inevitably lead to him playing with a sort of passion that he usually reserves for berating Mike Dunleavy. Bargnani will average 25 points and 10 rebounds a game, and make it a nightly routine to put at least one opposing guard on a stretcher. He’ll also do more of this and less of this. Just so there’s no confusion about his first name, he’s going to drop the ‘a’, and call it Andre. And if that’s not bad-ass enough for you, he’s going to add an accent: André Bargnani. Not cutting it? We’re going to drop the ‘a’ and replace it with that German ‘o’ and get rid of the ‘nani’ part because it’s too close to Nani, giving us: André Börg. Now, you tell me if you want to mess with a guy named André Börg who averages 25/10? Didn’t think so.

Jerryd Bayless will learn to pass. This is one of the biggest obstacle between the Raptors and the glories of the post-season – lack of a real point guard. Bayless, who thrives on picking up his dribble under mild pressure, will morph into a player that can be best described as having the explosiveness of Monta Ellis, the body-control of Derrick Rose, the outside shooting of Steve Kerr, and the heart of Rudy Tomjanovich. You’ve read all that mumbo-jumbo about this being a point-guard driven league, and Bayless will make-do by being a top 5 point guard. This is how revolutions get started. By believing.

Ed Davis will become an inside force. André Börg might get all the glory, but the official enforcer on the Raptors will be ED! Yes, ED! is how he will be known after officially changing his name to uppercase, adding a exclamation mark which you have to shout out for good measure, and dropping that last name which reminds you off the pussy-whipped Antonio Davis. None of that. After “sending the message” through a Flagrant 5 foul in Game #1 against Elton Brand, which will pretty much end the latter’s fledgling career, and give ED! Kermit Washington-type fame. ED! will also score 45 points on Chris Bosh, and will just miss out on the All-Star due to Doug Collins not voting for him because of what he did to Brand.

Linas Kleiza will tone up and become a Carl Landry-type player – except at the three. His vigor, zeal, and efficiency will perplex the league, who will have a hard time recognizing him, mainly because of his new haircut: a bright red mohawk which the words “I eat” on one side, and “children” on the other. Kleiza along with ED! will personify the new-look Raptors, whose team slogan will change from “Sponsored by Rogers” to “We dare you to f**k with us”. Kleiza will be the first Colangelo mid-level signing that isn’t hated by 80% of the fan-base after one year, and in fact, it’ll be Kleiza who hates you for being such a pussy.

Joey Dorsey will be signed to an extension. He will never play but will sit mysteriously at the end of the bench with a sniper’s rifle aimed at the referee’s head repeating the words, “I have a clear shot” into a bluetooth headset.

This is how the Raptors will make the playoffs.

I’ll be back with a real post sometime soon.

To Top