This is what needs to happen for the Raptors to make the playoffs.

I’m a little disappointed by how little Posh Spice was featured in this video. Now before you say, Arse, what is wrong with you, Posh looks like Falcor, I would point out that not always did she look like that. She might look like Falcor now, but there was a time when things weren’t so bad. After searching the internet to find a decent looking pic of her from the 90s and meeting with failure, I’ve decided to end this intro, and get to my point: The Raptors will make the playoffs next season.

No, no, no. This is not a claim that I am making because there is nothing else going on and I need to come up with wild predictions. No, sir. No. Not at all. This is the result of a scientific model I developed on Wednesday night after I came back from Hemingways. It’s based on the following assumptions:

Andrea Bargnani will finally say “F**k this shit!” and decide to show these “Young Ones” just who the man is. This realization by Bargnani will inevitably lead to him playing with a sort of passion that he usually reserves for berating Mike Dunleavy. Bargnani will average 25 points and 10 rebounds a game, and make it a nightly routine to put at least one opposing guard on a stretcher. He’ll also do more of this and less of this. Just so there’s no confusion about his first name, he’s going to drop the ‘a’, and call it Andre. And if that’s not bad-ass enough for you, he’s going to add an accent: André Bargnani. Not cutting it? We’re going to drop the ‘a’ and replace it with that German ‘o’ and get rid of the ‘nani’ part because it’s too close to Nani, giving us: André Börg. Now, you tell me if you want to mess with a guy named André Börg who averages 25/10? Didn’t think so.

Jerryd Bayless will learn to pass. This is one of the biggest obstacle between the Raptors and the glories of the post-season – lack of a real point guard. Bayless, who thrives on picking up his dribble under mild pressure, will morph into a player that can be best described as having the explosiveness of Monta Ellis, the body-control of Derrick Rose, the outside shooting of Steve Kerr, and the heart of Rudy Tomjanovich. You’ve read all that mumbo-jumbo about this being a point-guard driven league, and Bayless will make-do by being a top 5 point guard. This is how revolutions get started. By believing.

Ed Davis will become an inside force. André Börg might get all the glory, but the official enforcer on the Raptors will be ED! Yes, ED! is how he will be known after officially changing his name to uppercase, adding a exclamation mark which you have to shout out for good measure, and dropping that last name which reminds you off the pussy-whipped Antonio Davis. None of that. After “sending the message” through a Flagrant 5 foul in Game #1 against Elton Brand, which will pretty much end the latter’s fledgling career, and give ED! Kermit Washington-type fame. ED! will also score 45 points on Chris Bosh, and will just miss out on the All-Star due to Doug Collins not voting for him because of what he did to Brand.

Linas Kleiza will tone up and become a Carl Landry-type player – except at the three. His vigor, zeal, and efficiency will perplex the league, who will have a hard time recognizing him, mainly because of his new haircut: a bright red mohawk which the words “I eat” on one side, and “children” on the other. Kleiza along with ED! will personify the new-look Raptors, whose team slogan will change from “Sponsored by Rogers” to “We dare you to f**k with us”. Kleiza will be the first Colangelo mid-level signing that isn’t hated by 80% of the fan-base after one year, and in fact, it’ll be Kleiza who hates you for being such a pussy.

Joey Dorsey will be signed to an extension. He will never play but will sit mysteriously at the end of the bench with a sniper’s rifle aimed at the referee’s head repeating the words, “I have a clear shot” into a bluetooth headset.

This is how the Raptors will make the playoffs.

I’ll be back with a real post sometime soon.

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  • Kuntdoor
    • Nilanka15

      lol, the 4th link was painfully uncomfortable to watch.  Bargnani has more on-screen chemistry with a bowl of spaghetti.

      • RapthoseLeafs

        Bargs may not have chemistry, but he’s on-screen, and she ain’t no bowl of pasta.

      • Kuntdoor

        it was painful because of your closeted homosexuality….u might as well come out.

        • Nilanka15

          My homosexuality?  I’m not the one with my nose up Bargnani’s ass.  When will you fagboys realize he’s not worth the trouble?

          • Kuntdoor

            sure pal.stick to the topic…while you were gazing lovingly into bargnanis eyes and sensing a lack of chemistry? (possibly between the 2 of you) i was busy scoping his girlfriend out.

            • Nilanka15

              Scoping his girlfriend, or scheming against her?  We all know how badly Joshua Reynolds yearns to get that close to Bargnani.

              How’s that $350 Bargnani swingman jersey treating ya?

  • Scassady

    Hahahahahhahahaha, this is great stuff.  ED!

  • sauce jr.

    André Börg with a Drogo beard

  • EarthJuice

    “Bargnani will average 25 points and 10 rebounds a game, and make it a nightly routine to put at least one opposing guard on a stretcher.”
    Beyonce will sit on my lap and call me Daddy, first.

  • barenakedman

    Where is Hemingways? Something they’re serving must be too potent to be legal.

  • Lucas Lopes

    Priceless !! Congrats .

  • Shee


    Kleiza paragraph was the best especially that last sentence.

  • Th

    funniest shit i’ve read i a while the whole kleiza mohawk thing, ROFL

  • JYFelony

    Hahaha funniest post I’ve read in awhile.  Joey with a sniper rifle…

  • Ambidextrious

    Nice stuff Arse. I Had myself a good laugh.

  • Nilanka15

    Robert Horry was the NBA’s Nani: 

  • Guest

    TRADE Börg !!!!

    • cesco

      When he is 36 or so .  

  • Sek99

    I just wanna now what’s with the Game of Thrones pic? How does it apply to this at all? But whatever, love the show/books and the post was a good laugh.

  • YeDig

    I still didn’t have faith in this badass lineup…that is, until i read that joey dorsey was in fact wearing a bluetooth device.  winning

  • that guy

    random GoT pic today

  • Asdfa

    This is how slow the NBA is eh? resorting to imaginative and free style

    • enlightenment

      its called a lockout.

  • Guest

    Finally someone who gets it.

  • MC

    Playoffs only? Why aim so low? 

    NBA Championship here we come!

  • Inspired sportswriting to be sure. How many cocktails did it take?

  • FAQ

    Toronto needs Ricky Rubio … who can we trade for Ricky …???

  • hateslosing

    “whose team slogan will change from “Sponsored by Rogers” to “We dare you to f**k with us”.

    Bring back Reggie. I enjoyed this immensely.

  • tonious35

    Where did that photo come from?  I think it came from an HBO series, and I saw it in a hotel in San Fran.  The chick goes into a big firepit overnight, lives, is unharmed, nude (hot), and she has two lucky dragons roosting on her. 

    I think if we get an NBA season back, I think the contributions and effort of Jonas V can determine the fate of this team in terms of being 2 years till productive contending or setting this team back 5 more years to nowhere if he busts. 

  • Kingraptors

    – André Börg that is priceless, one can only hope that he returns from Italy as one
    Awesome post it was hilarious

  • Antipop29


  • Andre Börg
    • enlightenment


  • RapthoseLeafs

    The irony of this thread, is that it’s probably one of the few topics during this “off-time” that could be debated in a legitimate way – as some of us are against tanking.

    I believe play-offs should be our immediate goal – and nothing less. Gunning for a top-5 pick in 2012 is a losing mentality that perpetuates a Losing persona. Add the foreign aspect, and it makes attracting players here, all the more difficult.
    Make the play-offs, and then adjust to go further.