ShamSports

The “Oakland A’s basketball club” edition:

Bargnani: Andy looked somewhat overmatched all night, which is funny since if he was supposed to be an AllStar before he was shot with a sniper rifle, then he shouldn’t have had much issue tonight.  Horrible shooting all night and physically he looked like he just found out Pizza Pizza was voted the #1 pizza place in Toronto.

Bayless: career night on the points side of the ledger and he almost willed his team to both remain in the game and to win it. That lane violation (if indeed it was on him) was a bit much and would have sent him on an Artest-like rant a year ago.

Davis: laugh and joke all you want on the bench, son, but you were overmatched all night and your pitiful performance reflected it. Normally you would have my sympathy as you went up against a 600 pound monster, but your early celebration and acceptance of the bonehead move by the-creep-who-shall-not-be-named tarnishes an already horrific night of “basketball” by you.

DeRozan: a first quarter for the ages from DD, but average the rest of the way. Actually, come to think of it, his game reminded me of how I make love: jump in full of energy, throwing moves all over the place, grabbing peoples attention, then reality and age kicks in and all of a sudden I’m on my back letting others do all the work.

Forbes: oh, where to start and where to end.  When not to foul. When to hit your free throws. When not to think the game is over and you are out of the doghouse. Shame too since he had a great game (for him) with a career high and an ability to have us not miss Barbosa for a night. Unfortunately, due to his mental capacity,we had 5 more minutes of basketball to get the victory.

Gray: the midseason funk continues and while his energy is still high, he’s playing like a kid who was raised in Toronto who just moved to India and is being forced to play cricket with a top level team. He looks lost, unsure of himself, and like he just wants to go home.

A. Johnson: nice effort in the extra frame, and a solid effort throughout. Kind of reminds you of that third kid at the table in the school cafeteria. You have the cool kid, his yes man, then the kid that is suave enough to have the cool guys ear, but can also do his own thing when he wants and if he wants.

J. Johnson: tonight for him is like when you order honey garlic wings and they come back to you tasting sickeningly sweet and dripping with goop. Fine shooting the ball, but his five turnovers and, at times, frenetic out of control style of play took us to the cusp of failure way too often.

Kleiza: for all you guys, he is the embodiment of getting a hot chick to invite you back to her place to watch her please herself and the vibrator craps out due to batteries. For all you ladies, it’s like finding out George Clooney is going to marry your uglier sister. For all you Raptors fans, Linas has gone missing and we need to find his scrawny ass in the jungle right quick.

Magloire: back talking smack to the other teams and setting hard fouls. Kind of like Don Cherry, only cooler.

Driving the bus: Jerryd Bayless

Under the bus: Linas Kleiza

Theme of the Game: