The “that crowd was quieter than a hairpin dropping into Nicki Minaj’s hair” edition:
Anderson: this is how Maurizio has a job. His picking up of Anderson while Colangelo was out getting a tall latte was a stroke of genius. Thank heavens for the MLSE IT department!! It took just 12 minutes tonight for Anderson to solidify the fact that he has easily eclipsed any previous late-season pick up in Raptors history.
Bargnani: 20 rebounds, 32 points in a game where he played 46 minutes. He did his best to change the minds of his countrymen about what the national sport should be in Italy. His agent is quickly arranging a meeting with His Holyness.
Calderon: a shoo-in for the second team for the NBA All Defensive team. John Wall spent half of the game standing looking on in awe as Jose swiped ball after ball out of his hand with deftness, leading the Raptors to 48 fast break points. Jerryd who?
Davis: if ever there was a poster child for leaving school early and making some big NBA bucks based solely on raw talent, it’s Ed Davis. Night in and night out he has constantly hustled, hit 75% of his shots and has made fools out of all the teams that chose others, letting him fall to our open arms.
DeRozan: without a doubt he has been our worst draft pick in history. His appearances at the Slam Dunk contest only amplified that fact to the world and easily gave the organization a bad name across the league. Want to know why nobody wants to come here unless they are on the way out of the league? DeMar holds the key. Worthless.
Forbes: 12 offensive boards tonight, absolutely shattering the small front line of the Bullets. The man sure has proven me wrong this season as he has come out every game and has only had one game without a double double. Can’t wait to see what he does as he captains the summer league squad.
Gray: an absolute cult hero was born as he picked up Brian Cook and Saraphin both at the same time and slammed them on top of SuperFan to finally shut him up. The crowd went nuts and actually even booed the pizza promotion.
A. Johnson: in one of the most bizarre scenes ever at the ACC, Amir ran to centre court after halftime, grabbed the mic, broke into “Thriller” and began to shave his head. At the end of it, he pointed to Devlin and screamed “I’m Back, Bitch”, flipped the crowd off, and bit 2 Dance Pak members. Rabies are feared.
J. Johnson: not sure why you guys have so many doubts in this guy. He is A-U-T-omatic with the ball in his hand and he gets teammates more involved than your mother in your business. Only one thing is more consistent: other sites stealing RR original ideas.
Kleiza: there hasn’t been a softer player wearing a Toronto uniform since Mengke Bateer. Opposition players don’t know if they should fight through a screen he sets or ask him for a massage. He defines a paper bucket in a hurricane.
Uzoh: given a 2 year contract just before gametime, he came out and had 12 dimes and dropped 14 points on the heads of a completely surprised Generals team. Afterward he told Jack Armstrong “I’m just glad to be here in Calgary and I absolutely love Beaver Tails. By the way, can you stand up straight when you talk to me?”
Driving the bus: Aaron Gray
Under the bus: DeMar DeRozan
Theme of the Game: