The “that crowd was quieter than a hairpin dropping into Nicki Minaj’s hair” edition:

Anderson: this is how Maurizio has a job. His picking up of Anderson while Colangelo was out getting a tall latte was a stroke of genius. Thank heavens for the MLSE IT department!!    It took just 12 minutes tonight for Anderson to solidify the fact that he has easily eclipsed any previous late-season pick up in Raptors history.

Bargnani: 20 rebounds, 32 points in a game where he played 46 minutes. He did his best to change the minds of his countrymen about what the national sport should be in Italy.  His agent is quickly arranging a meeting with His Holyness.

Calderon: a shoo-in for the second team for the NBA All Defensive team. John Wall spent half of the game standing looking on in awe as Jose swiped ball after ball out of his hand with deftness, leading the Raptors to 48 fast break points.  Jerryd who?

Davis: if ever there was a poster child for leaving school early and making some big NBA bucks based solely on raw talent, it’s Ed Davis. Night in and night out he has constantly hustled, hit 75% of his shots and has made fools out of all the teams that chose others, letting him fall to our open arms.

DeRozan: without a doubt he has been our worst draft pick in history. His appearances at the Slam Dunk contest only amplified that fact to the world and easily gave the organization a bad name across the league. Want to know why nobody wants to come here unless they are on the way out of the league? DeMar holds the key. Worthless.

Forbes: 12 offensive boards tonight, absolutely shattering the small front line of the Bullets.  The man sure has proven me wrong this season as he has come out every game and has only had one game without a double double. Can’t wait to see what he does as he captains the summer league squad.

Gray: an absolute cult hero was born as he picked up Brian Cook and Saraphin both at the same time and slammed them on top of SuperFan to finally shut him up. The crowd went nuts and actually even booed the pizza promotion.

A. Johnson: in one of the most bizarre scenes ever at the ACC, Amir ran to centre court after halftime, grabbed the mic, broke into “Thriller” and began to shave his head. At the end of it, he pointed  to Devlin and screamed “I’m Back, Bitch”, flipped the crowd off, and bit 2 Dance Pak members.  Rabies are feared.

J. Johnson: not sure why you guys have so many doubts in this guy. He is A-U-T-omatic with the ball in his hand and he gets teammates more involved than your mother in your business.  Only one thing is more consistent: other sites stealing RR original ideas.

Kleiza: there hasn’t been a softer player wearing a Toronto uniform since Mengke Bateer. Opposition players don’t know if they should fight through a screen he sets or ask him for a massage.   He defines a paper bucket in a hurricane.

Uzoh: given a 2 year contract just before gametime, he came out and had 12 dimes and dropped 14 points on the heads of a completely surprised Generals team.  Afterward he told Jack Armstrong “I’m just glad to be here in Calgary and I absolutely love Beaver Tails. By the way, can you stand up straight when you talk to me?”

Driving the bus: Aaron Gray

Under the bus: DeMar DeRozan

Theme of the Game:

  • drizz

    lol you had me until I read Bargs 20 rebounds

  • Detour

    32 points, 20 rebounds? The box I read said 18 and 8…

    • Detour

      Wait never mind, got it.

      • Jon

        Ladies and gentleman, our April fool.

    • april


  • shazzy

    lol you suck at sarcasm

  • Derozan

    Nice April fools joke

  • Pbjake

    You’re my favorite blogger on the Internet! I just love your deep insights into the vast world of basketball and the Toronto Raptors!

  • Ppellico

    Gray driving the bus!?

    Look…he doesn’t even own an MP3 player let alone have a Canadian license!

  • Lorenzo

    Holy shit i feel like an idiot, the whole time i was thinking that this was some sort of typo. But then i looked into the bottom right corner of my monitor…

    Great song choice.

    Also, that Amir part was hilarious

  • Bendit

    Your comic relief is welcome. People actually paid to watch that bore? 

  • Arsenalist

    Didn’t even know there was a game.

  • Truthkiller

    Ahh 32 points I see what you did there april fools my dude.

  • Bill

    You… you had me fooled.  I even watched the game.  Damn you.

  • AB7.38pt.on.CB4

    1st of April : 4 points in 30 minutes from a 7 times All Star ? Keep setting screens on South Beach you Clown of Clown’s

    • cesco

       Maybe KG rattled him by whispering “RuPaul” .

    • Destro

      7 time all star >>> 0 time all star

      • Truthkiller

        +1, that line was murderous. 

    • sleepz

      Your alias is played out now. It’s 2012. Why comment on the forgotten Bosh when you can adjust your handle and detail the fresh trials and tribulations of Andy B everyday?
      AB7.8boards!.0def.rotations.1depressedteam& fanbase.

      Andrea is a decent shooter. It’s watching him on the other end of the floor that is depressing as a Raps fan and an indictment on Colangelo. 

      • Nilanka15

        Arguing with a fanboy is like playing chess with a pigeon.  You could be the greatest player in the world, but the pigeon will still knock over the pieces, shit on the board, and strut around triumphantly.

        • sleepz

          I actually don’t think being a fan of a particular is player is a bad thing actually. There was a time when no one could tell me anything wrong about P. Ewing including him being a dude who sweated profusely. lol

          I just observe certain bloggers calling writers and other bloggers CLOWNS and it makes me laugh because the biggest clowns are players getting paid a kings ransom to go out every night to clown their coach, teammates and the fans by not getting after it and disrepecting the game acting like it’s not a privilege to play it.

          It’s a shame.

        • pran

          destro/gots2go is no better, no matter how bargs plays the guy always rips on him

          • Destro

            When the guy rebounds and plays D like a man….i’ll have no reason to rip his ass PAUSE.

            Yall act like theres no justification for criticizing him…

            • pran

              you should be ripping on him NOW, his defensive play has hugely regressed from the beginning of the season, which is why casey benched him in the 3rd. 

      • Destro

        He’s not even a decent shooter….42 % is bottom of the barrel for a big man and 29 % from 3 land…Highly inefficient scorer on a losing team….The irony tho is dudes SN is actually an indictment of his hero and he dont realize it….A guy who scores on alot of shots and does nothing else…

  • BCStefanskiCaseyGots2Go!!!

    Good W over a D League team.

    The April Fool’s joke was on the fans at the game as the Raptors got the W but scored just 99 points- no pizza.

    Fans cheer louder for pizza than a W…smdh lol

  • Absinthe

    I was gonna say 
    but then I saw that date of the game 😡

  • NyAlesund

    20 rebounds? Yes,it is possible, but in three games…lol!

    • cesco

      He got 17 rebounds in one game last year , most ever .

      • Destro

        More than he got the other 81 games combined…

      • Statement

        Yes, but how did the rest of the high school team do?

      • Theswirsky

        Actually he didn’t last year.  That was over two years ago.  And in his approx 150 games since he’s gotten into double digits 8 times.

        • Theswirsky

          and just for comparison, he’s managed 5 or less rebounds 13 times this year alone.

        • Destro

          To follow up on this almost as bad as his rebounding is his blocks per game…0.5 for a man his size who is in the middle…just ANOTHER testament to how terry cloth soft he is on the defensive end….He’d be bottom of the league among blocked shots among PGs let alone Centers/PFs

          • cesco

             He has the same blk/game as Love at .52 , better blk per 48 min and better blk/foul ratio , 0.31 vs 0.19 .
            Dirk has .49 blk/game and he is MVP and world champion . Dirk 2.0 will be world champion one day and you will still be bellyaching about him .

            • Destro

              Again you deflect his criticism OFF onto other half assed comparisons…Love is not his size and Dirk althought not a shot blocker is a much better player with credentials to prove that…bargs might be a champion someday as a 6th man or in the euro league…

        • cesco

           If he was stats obsessed like Rupaul he would get 7 rebs/game VERY EASILY . He leave defensive rebounds to his team mates who spend their time under both baskets a la Noah .

          • Theswirsky

            haha impressive.  Not a new excuse but still a funny one

          • Destro

            You’d be better off just saying he’s afraid of anything orange or he’s allergic to rubber…

  • Nilanka15

    Man, that really was a boring game…

    • cesco

       Are both teams really trying hard to win ? . The answer is no .