Drake says he’s friends with Demar Derozan and Rudy Gay. Does this mean the Raptors won’t be #rigginforwiggins? Read on for a #hotsportstake.

Note: This idea was totally stolen from Grantland.com’s Shea Serrano‘s series entitled: “texts from…”

During his introductory press conference, Drake said that he counts Demar Derozan and Rudy Gay amongst his friends. He also has an office right next to Masai Ujiri and Tim Leiweke. This got me thinking; could the following scenarios actually take place?

[Drake walks into Ujiri’s office]

Drake: Hey Ujiji (like Kijiji).

Ujiri: Hey Audrey.

D: Yo! Don’t call me that, Ujiji!

U: Well, stop calling me Ujiji.

D: Ugh. You’re the worst. I need to talk to you about the new logo.

U: I’m a little busy right now with real basketball things. I’m on the phone with the Knicks. I offered them Aaron Gray and Leo Rautins for Iman Shumpert, Tyson Chandler and Mike Breen.

[phone rings]

U: Hold on. I gotta take this. Hello?

Ghost of Isiah Thomas: Hey Ujiji.

U: Why is everyone calling me that?

Ghost: Drake sent a memo around the league saying that’s what you’d like to be called.

[cut to Drake giggling]

U: Alright whatever. What do you think of my offer?

Ghost: Counter-proposal; I’ll give you Carmelo Anthony and all of the draft picks in the next decade if you give me Rudy Gay and Demar Derozan.

U: Sounds like we h-

D: NO! You can’t trade Demar and Rudy! They my boys!

U: …what?

D: Seriously man, you can’t do this.

U: I’m the general manager! I can do what I want. I’m pulling the trigger.


[Tim Leiweke rushes into Masai’s office sporting his goofy grin]

Leiweke: What is it, Aubrey?

D: YO! Y’all gots to stop calling me that. You’re hurting my feelings :(

T: Whatever. What do you want? I’m busy bribing Adam Silver to give us the first pick so we can draft Andrew Wiggins doing legitimately not shady business things.

U: I’ve got a deal that would make us into a championship contender.

D: Nah! He’s going to trade away Gay and Demar! They my boys! I’m quitting if he makes the deal.

T: Actually? …Fine. Don’t make the deal, Ujiji.

U: You can’t be serious.

T: I’m always serious. Look at this face. How could I NOT be serious? You’re not making that deal.

U: …I hate this job.

[Ujiri’s phone rings]

U: Hello?

[Dwane Casey on speakerphone]

Casey: Hey Ujiji. Just calling to let you know that Jonas will be in the line-up tonight despite his ankle problems. He says he’s good to go so I’m playing him, but only for the first 2 minutes. Then I’m going to give a bunch of minutes to Aaron Gray because he’s better at “pounding the rock”.

U: Yeah, that soun-

D: Nah! You can’t start him.

C: Why?

DA broken ankle aint nothin’ to be played with. PSYCH!

U, C: …I hate this job

[Drake is loudly repeating “started from the bottom now we here” ]

U: Hey Drake! Are you singing that because I built the team into a contender using my super ninja GM skills?

D: Nah. I’m singing that because of this [turns his computer monitor towards Ujiri]. I was killing Lil Wayne it in this round of Tetris Battle but then I messed up and dropped an Z block on where I was setting up for an I.

U: …what?

D: You know? Started from the bottom now we here…at the top of the screen. I’m going to lose.

U: Aren’t you supposed to be working on the new Raptors jersey or something?

D: Nah man. I’m already done. You wanna see it?

U: Sure

U: …what?

D: Yo, this is the new trend! You know how everyone is wearing sleeved jerseys now? Well, I’m taking even farther. Full sleeves with buttons and a collar.

U: Please tell me this is a joke.

D: Nah man, Amir Johnson has already bought two stores worth of these shirts and he was just handing them out to random people on the street.

U: …why?

D: He does that for everything I make. He’s really supportive, you know?

U: Because nobody else will buy the things you make?

D: 🙁

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  • CalgaryRapsFan

    That is some funny shit. If you’re even 1% right, I’m worried. Drake seriously better be employed by the team’s marketing/PR department, otherwise this move is pathetic and reeks of desperation by a joke of a franchise.

    • Raps Loyalist

      read ghostface killah’s annual top 10 softest rapper if you really wanna laugh….He says that Drake is so soft that he makes lambs look dangerous hahaha

      • Why does it matter if a rapper is “soft” or not? Isn’t the music the important thing? I think it’s best not to get caught up in all the other crap that means nothing.

  • DryDry

    Drake: Hey guys I know sweet f all about sports marketing, or any kind of marketing, or PR, or advertising, but I do like basketball and Derozan is my playstation pal.
    Raptors brass: YER HIRED

    • Umm pretty sure a platinum-selling, Grammy award winning artist has a small idea of how marketing, advertising or PR works .. but even if he didn’t, he’s only part of the Raptors organization for publicity. A lot more people will be interested in the Raptors just by having someone like Drake aboard.

  • Statement

    I’ve learned from Drake that starting from the bottom = working at Shoppers.

  • Raptorsss

    “Starting at the bottom is renting a large house in Rosedale and getting crap money from Degrassi.”

  • Jonathan Mac Lean

    I don’t think I really need to say this but: it’s publicity. That’s why he’s on board. People from Toronto who don’t care about the Raps but do care about Drake will suddenly tune into a game or two. Make a lot of noise and people will turn their heads.
    But if Drake starts trying to toy with Ujiji’s (lol) business, I’ll walk into MLSE myself and send him back to the ‘bottom’.

  • Amigo

    Who cares. Selling BS to teenagers and maybe a few more seats at the ACC is all this new President Tim L has in his mind.
    Where’s the Championship team gone ? Are we tanking ? Well, you know, we first have some sold outs then will see…..


  • Jkwasia

    For all of you who don’t know what”started from the bottom” means …….Its relating to his rap career not his finical situation he started as a nobody in the rap game hence the bottom….now he is one of the best selling hip hop artist on the planet.