Lonely this Valentines’ Day? Fret not, the NBA’s set of gimmicky events are here to keep you company. That’s the same as love and companionship, right?

UPDATE (8:54 PM)

Game starts in approximately 10 minutes. In the meantime, do yourself a favor and watch the last few seconds of the Celeb Game. US Secretary of Education Arne Duncan is channeling his inner Kevin Durant.

No child left behind indeed. Arne “Tim” Duncan finished the game with 20 points, 11 rebounds, 6 assists and 2 steals. Fan voting screwed up (surprise surprise) and voted Kevin Hart for MVP, but Hart rightfully conceded the award to Duncan.

UPDATE (9:07 PM): Tonight’s Rosters

rosters

Team Hill’s team is much deeper than Weber’s, and I’m pretty confident that they’ll win this game. Lillard won’t play that many minutes, but neither will AD23. Hill’s team has more shooting, more athleticism and better ball-handling. Predictions: Hill’s team wins 154-130, Beal wins MVP after hitting like 2000 three pointers.

UPDATE (9:22 PM)

Sweet start for Jonas. He picks up a foul on Davis cutting backdoor and then gives up the ball after trying his patented “Jonas” move in the post. Also, the Celtics’ doo-doo duo of Olynyk and Sullinger have a combined 9 early points, which is LOL.

UPDATE (9:23 PM)

Drummond is a beast. Jonas…not so much. Jonas misses an alley-oop, Drummond gets the rebound and dunks it home.

UPDATE (9:26 PM)

Sweet, another missed alley-oop for Jonas. Crappy pass by Lillard. I think I’m firmly in the #TeamDrummond camp.

UPDATE (9:30 PM)

Three straight put-back dunks for Drummond! He’s got 16 points and 7 rebounds in 7 minutes. This Valentines’ Day, I think I’m in love.

UPDATE (9:32 PM)

Good lord! Jonas tries to pull the hook on Davis, and he gets absolutely demolished by Davis’ freaky length. Wow. That was embarrassing. Someone is going to gif that, and I’m going to link that here so it can haunt your nightmares as well.

UPDATE (9:35 PM)

UPDATE (9:39 PM)

Grant Hill is made for television. He’s articulate, insightful and composed. Also, this game kinda sucks. I always forget that. Webber’s team leads 47-46 with 6 min left in the first half.

UPDATE (9:44 PM)

Great possession for Waiters. He calls for a clear-out, dribbles for 5 seconds, takes a step inside the three-point line an launches a long contested jumper. It clanks off the back of the rim. Gee, I wonder why Kyrie Irving hates him?

UPDATE (9:50 PM)

This has been a pretty awful game thus far. As per usual, defense is being avoided like the plague, but the players aren’t even making up for it by pulling out fancy dunks or cool cross-overs. It’s just lots of layups and ill-advised threes.

Basically, it’s like watching the Sixers play the Lakers.

UPDATE (9:55 PM)

The first half is finally over. Team Hill leads 67-66 over Team Webber after 20 minutes of play. Drummond leads all scorers with 17 points and 11 rebounds. Conversely, Jonas has 0 points and 2 rebounds. Since this game is a snooze fest, let’s re-open that debate. Who you got — Jonas or Drummond? I’m firmly #TeamDrummond

Here’s some food for thought: Sam Holako pointed out that instead of Jonas and Ross, we could potentially have Drummond and Harden (rumored to be offered for Jonas) instead. I don’t know about you, but I’d definitely rather have the next Dwight Howard and a rich man’s Manu Ginboili, but that’s just me. Once again, thank you Bryan Colangelo!

UPDATE (10:08 PM)

The “Inside the NBA” crew is more entertaining than all but four teams in the Eastern Conference (Heat, Pacers, Raptors, Knicks). Also, look how dapper Jonas looks in this photo:

UPDATE (10:16 PM)

Great move by the New Orleans game ops playing “How we Do” by The Game (ft. 50 Cent) on the organ. G-Unit was Wu-Tang after the Wu-Tang, and I’ll defend 50/Yayo/Lloyd Banks/The Game to the end of time.

Oh, and Jonas threw down a dunk. Ho-hum. Second half underway.

UPDATE (10:21 PM)

Alright this game is boring, so let’s talk about how great mid-2000′s hip-hop was.

There was 50 Cent and G-Unit. You had Eminem and the Detroit scene (whaddup D-12). There was the Nikki Minaj before Nikki Minaj (Missy Elliot). There was the whole ATL/dirty south scene with Ludacris, Usher, Chingy, and OutKast. Jay-Z did his thing and pulled Kanye out of the wilderness. Snoop Dogg hung his blue flag on the left-side (and only on the left side because that’s the crip side) and Dr. Dre reminded us not to forget him.

The best part about mid-2000′s hip-hop was that it was proud and it was true. Jay-Z and Kanye West weren’t trying to create empathy for their identity crises with wealth. Drake wasn’t around to rap/sing about his emotions. Everyone was just proud of where they came from, and they made no apologies for their message.

G-Unit made no qualms over rapping about being ostentatiously wealthy. The ATL songs were always steeped in equal parts crunk, grillz and pimp juice. The West Coast rappers stayed OG and proud. Detroit’s rappers stuck to its humble roots and underdog attitude. No one tried to wow you, and no one cared for your opinion. They just rapped about whatever, however, and I miss that.

Take me back! *puts soapbox away*

And this game sucks. Team Hill lead 101-99 with 8:40 left. Jonas made two wide open dunks. Yawn.

UPDATE (10:40 PM)

A shootout has broken out between THJr and Dion Waiters. They’re going mano-e-mano with clearouts and three-pointers. Waiters has the last 14 points for Team Hill. Kevin Durant and James Harden are loving it on the sidelines.

UPDATE (10:43 PM)

I don’t understand that Ciroq commercial. Why is P. Diddy hitting up Vegas with Phil Leotardo from The Sopranos?

UPDATE (10:45 PM)

Mason and Miles Plumlee are taking over this game. I’m totally cool with that. They’re the yin to the Zeller brothers’ yang.

UPDATE (10:50 PM)

Tonight, and only for tonight, Waiters and THJr are Bird and Magic. This is insane. They’re dropping bombs from everywhere on the court. Waiters just knocked down back-to-back threes.

Hardaway Jr has 34 points and 7 threes. Waiters has 31 on 14 field goal attempts. Wow.

UPDATE (10:53 PM)

Mason Plumlee just ranked Drummond across the face on a dunk attempt. Not cool, man. Not cool. Drummond has 27 points and 24 rebounds.

UPDATE (10:55 PM)

Two point game! Team Hill is up 132-130 with 33 seconds left. Waiters just tried to clothesline THJr on a closeout. This is getting fun. Also, Drummond just grabbed his 25th rebound. How is that even possible?

UPDATE (10:58 PM)

Intentional fouling has broken out, which is kinda cruel. Barnes sinks two FTs to give HIll’s team a five-point lead. Trey (Kerby) Burke drives coast-to-coast for an uncontested layup. Beal is intentionally fouled and makes two. Team Hill up 139-134 with 15 seconds left.

UPDATE (11:02 PM)

Beautiful. The game ends with Giannis Alphabet Hands throwing down a two-handed windmill dunk. Team Hill wins 142-136 over Team Webber. Drummond had 30 points and 25 rebounds. Waiters scored 31 points on 14 points and somehow dropped 7 dimes (which means he willingly passed the ball seven times). THJr led all scorers with 36 points for Team Webber’s squad.

UPDATE (11:07 PM)

Drummond wins MVP! The  guy from BBVA Compass presenting the award just dropped the MVP Trophy and broke it. Oh my god. I’m dying right now. Forget what I said earlier. The THJ vs Waiters showdown and the trophy drop totally made up for it.

Here’s the gif, courtesy of /r/NBA superstar “ebmurphy” (I wonder who that could be)

Jonas finished with 4 points in 19 totally unspectacular minutes. A fast paced pick-up game is not suited for him, and he looked wholly disinterested in the whole endeavor.

Alright I’m out. This live-blog probably wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had.

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