You’re busy, you got a job, kids to feed, and a wife that wants you to change the filter which you, frankly, don’t see any need in doing since you did it, like, three months ago. In all this commotion and noise, just how does one follow the Raptors? If these kinds of questions are plaguing you, I have good news in the form of solutions.    Note that this advice applies the other way as well, i.e., for women.  But since I’m a dude, I can only give my view.

1. Basketball = Food TV
Kids these days are fed left-wing propaganda like Baby Einstein while they slur and spit their way into wasting half a bowl of expensive, organic baby food. As much as I think that Baby Einstein music is the best thing ever when you’re baked, it is a complete waste of time during meals.

If you are able to, somehow, combine the activities of feeding your child and watching the Raptors by making your child eat to the Raptors, you are truly a king.  Much like the giraffe is bobbling balls in Baby Einstein, so is Greivis Vasquez for the Raptors.  Your baby will simply not tell the difference.

Pro tip: You don’t need to listen to Matt Devlin or Leo Rautins go on about needless stuff, just play some Bach in the background while you got the Raptors on and your kid gets the best of both worlds.

2. Start working out
“Start working out? What? This doesn’t make any sense” is what I see you thinking. Wait and listen up. Your wife wants you to be in good shape, she wants you to be attractive, have a nice body, or at least not hang a Michelin tire on your belly button. Your strategy here is to simply start working out more which she can’t possibly object to. Once you have moved past this gate of approval, the next strategy is to schedule your workout between 7-9:30PM, with a break around 8PM for halftime.

Not only are you working out (for her and for yourself), you are actually catching the game (totally for you).

Pro tip: Use the baby monitor to listen to your wife to see if she’s complaining to your mother-in-law about your new-found love of exercise.

3. Take the kid to a Raptors game
This one’s a bit on the expensive side but just think about what you’re accomplishing by doing this:

1. You get to see the Raptors
2. You ingrain basketball in your offshoot
3. Wife gets a break from taking care of the child

Pro tip: Pretend the game went into triple overtime (your wife will never know) and head to the local bar after the game.

4. Massage incentive
Women love massages. It doesn’t even matter if you’re doing them poorly or even hurting them while doing it, they just love it. If you spend about half an hour massaging your lady’s back or something, they will view you as the greatest husband ever. This is a fact, no debates here. Time your massage to start at 6:30pm, by the time it ends at 7pm you will have gained enough goodwill that she will leave you alone for at least an hour, which should be enough to catch a half.

Pro tip: Massage her during halftime and the first few minutes of the third to watch the rest of the game undisturbed.

5. Perform a long-ignored task
Life is all about finding win-win situations, and some low-hanging fruit are chores that you had been asked to do but never bothered because they really don’t matter. The key is doing them in front of the TV. Remember that Ikea table that you never got around to assembling? Or those daycare applications that you were supposed to fill out? Well, this is the time to do them. In front of the TV. Whilst watching the Raptors.

Pro tip: Ironing is an activity that can be made to look like it takes forever. It’s best to move that ironing board down to the living room and start ironing EVERYTHING. Of course, do it between 7-9:30pm.

6. Make a game of it
The previous tip only works for when the work can be done in front of the TV. This tip covers the other cases.

Start making win-win bets with your wife. For example, “If the Raptors score 20 points in the first quarter, I will totally take the Christmas lights down tonight. If they don’t, no worries, you don’t have to do anything”. Then watch the game to see the bet play out.

Make bets that you know you’re going to “lose”, this way she’ll associate the Raptors as a trigger to getting work done, when in fact you’re the clever one who has carved out time out of nothing. Face it, you’d have to take those Christmas lights down anyway at some point.

Pro tip: Make bets that she can easily understand. For example, don’t bet things like “If Jonas Valanciunas gets X amount of offensive rebounds..” since she doesn’t know who Jonas Valanciunas is nor what an offensive rebound means. Try going for simple items like “If the Raptors score 80 points in this game…”

7. Baby as phone stand
Babies are small, but they’re totally big enough to have a phone rest on their bellies. If it’s your turn to feed the little one, all you have to do is fire up that formula, start league pass, and place the phone gently on the baby as you feed your progeny.

Pro tip: Use a VPN service like Private Internet Access to connect to League Pass to watch your area’s home games. Be sure to keep phone away from baby’s heart due to radiation and stuff.

Got any tips of your own? Please do share.

  • Delabar’s Weighted Balls

    Fun & Creative Article. The only bone to pick for me is that Wireless Phone radiation is probably not safe for human (& biological) life, let alone resting it on your child. Just a heads up for parents

  • afrocarter

    Ctrl+A, Ctrl+C, open Microsoft Word, Ctrl+V, Ctrl+P

  • Azih

    Clarification on Protip of point 3. Do you take your kid to the bar with you? Or just leave it somewhere?

    • arsenalist

      Depending on age, the bar is a fine spot. Pro tip extra: Order an orange juice so he can blend in nicely (people think he’s having a screwdriver). If child happens to be under 2, use Baby Bjorn for increased levels of engagement with ladies.

    • john

      I enjoyed your refering to the child as “it” 😛

  • AxlT

    Ok, now do one about how to get the TV away from teenage son and his bros

    • stooley

      buy him a 12 pack

      • AxlT

        Spence?

  • Nate Huffman

    Pro Tip #7, what about keeping the radiation away from the brain too?

  • ItsAboutFun

    hahaha, priceless! In the context of being able to see the Raps games, I’m happy I’m past this stage of needing such inventiveness.

  • Stephen

    Working out is my go-to move. The eliptical was put downstairs in the basement for that very reason.

  • RapsExpat

    “Women love massages. It doesn’t even matter if you’re doing them poorly or even hurting them while doing it, they just love it.” – hilarious

    • D

      Or do a terrible job so they jusy ask you to stop and then shell leave you alone anyways

  • Will

    haha, some good tips here. My best tip would be to record the game and put them to bed early. If they’re in bed by 8:00 PM, you’ll have enough of a recorded buffer to fast forward through the commercials and halftime. Taking them to games is great too. They’re basically free until they can’t sit in your lap for the whole game. Also, they’re great for getting free swag. You don’t even have to ask. People always give free stuff to kids.

  • Martin

    No. 4-5 is proven winners, specifically with ironing at no 5. Did it just a few hours ago watching IND-GSW from last night…

    • Martin

      *are.

  • The Red Fury

    Granted I’m not married. But my girlfriend pretends to watch with me with her eyes on her cell phone for 90% of the game other than times I tell her to ‘check out this play’ when an instant replay is on-screen.

    • Matt

      My girlfriend did too until we got married. 10 years of marriage and she hasn’t watched a game since 😉

  • mountio

    Great article … especially for someone with a 1 and 3 year old. A couple others / comments to add
    – Get used to watching the raps on all forms of media and having sound going on at least two (if not three things at once). Example, Calliou on the TV, Podcast on the ipad and Raps streaming on the laptop. Sounds ridiculous, but after a while, your eye / ear get trained to drown out the other stuff .. so no set of distractions will keep you away from the Raps. Pro tip – be ready to switch your source for the Raps on a dime if for some unknown reason your kids demand to watch their shows elsewhere or you need to be mobile with the game.
    – As for Kids at the ACC – its a great idea .. but you hit no mans land between 1 and 3ish where they are a) too old to just pass out in a Bjorn and sleep for the game and b) dont have enough patience to sit and watch. Its a great thing once they do .. but the years in between are rough.
    – Take your wife to the ACC and get a babysitter. Perhaps not the same as watching with your buddies, but she gets away, you get the Raps and everyone is a winner
    – This is similar to the the feeding your kids to the Raps .. but somehow convince them that every time the Raps come on, its “fun” and try to get them to repeat stuff on the broadcast. I still struggle with this one … but im targeting phrases like “Bah-Cah-di” and other similar things that Matt and Jack say often. Ill admit, this one is a work in progress, but I have high hopes …

  • peacedawg

    Flip laptop open while watching the game to send that “all important” email, work on that deliverable with a tomorrow deadline or check on the Japanese futures market and how it is being affected by the geo-political situation in the Ukraine.

  • notlisa

    The key is to find a partner who loves ball and the Raptors! I’ve tried dating non-Raptor fans and it’s weak. Nothing like sharing something you are so passionate about with your partner!

  • Philoveritas

    Get them their own jersey…works for me…we put on our basketball shirts and say ‘Go Red-Guys’. Although my two year old still get sports confused, she screams out “Touchdown” when they score. Oh I asked a few weeks ago and the folks at the ACC told me the official policy is kids 2 and up need their own ticket.