You’re busy, you got a job, kids to feed, and a wife that wants you to change the filter which you, frankly, don’t see any need in doing since you did it, like, three months ago. In all this commotion and noise, just how does one follow the Raptors? If these kinds of questions are plaguing you, I have good news in the form of solutions.    Note that this advice applies the other way as well, i.e., for women.  But since I’m a dude, I can only give my view.

1. Basketball = Food TV
Kids these days are fed left-wing propaganda like Baby Einstein while they slur and spit their way into wasting half a bowl of expensive, organic baby food. As much as I think that Baby Einstein music is the best thing ever when you’re baked, it is a complete waste of time during meals.

If you are able to, somehow, combine the activities of feeding your child and watching the Raptors by making your child eat to the Raptors, you are truly a king.  Much like the giraffe is bobbling balls in Baby Einstein, so is Greivis Vasquez for the Raptors.  Your baby will simply not tell the difference.

Pro tip: You don’t need to listen to Matt Devlin or Leo Rautins go on about needless stuff, just play some Bach in the background while you got the Raptors on and your kid gets the best of both worlds.

2. Start working out
“Start working out? What? This doesn’t make any sense” is what I see you thinking. Wait and listen up. Your wife wants you to be in good shape, she wants you to be attractive, have a nice body, or at least not hang a Michelin tire on your belly button. Your strategy here is to simply start working out more which she can’t possibly object to. Once you have moved past this gate of approval, the next strategy is to schedule your workout between 7-9:30PM, with a break around 8PM for halftime.

Not only are you working out (for her and for yourself), you are actually catching the game (totally for you).

Pro tip: Use the baby monitor to listen to your wife to see if she’s complaining to your mother-in-law about your new-found love of exercise.

3. Take the kid to a Raptors game
This one’s a bit on the expensive side but just think about what you’re accomplishing by doing this:

1. You get to see the Raptors
2. You ingrain basketball in your offshoot
3. Wife gets a break from taking care of the child

Pro tip: Pretend the game went into triple overtime (your wife will never know) and head to the local bar after the game.

4. Massage incentive
Women love massages. It doesn’t even matter if you’re doing them poorly or even hurting them while doing it, they just love it. If you spend about half an hour massaging your lady’s back or something, they will view you as the greatest husband ever. This is a fact, no debates here. Time your massage to start at 6:30pm, by the time it ends at 7pm you will have gained enough goodwill that she will leave you alone for at least an hour, which should be enough to catch a half.

Pro tip: Massage her during halftime and the first few minutes of the third to watch the rest of the game undisturbed.

5. Perform a long-ignored task
Life is all about finding win-win situations, and some low-hanging fruit are chores that you had been asked to do but never bothered because they really don’t matter. The key is doing them in front of the TV. Remember that Ikea table that you never got around to assembling? Or those daycare applications that you were supposed to fill out? Well, this is the time to do them. In front of the TV. Whilst watching the Raptors.

Pro tip: Ironing is an activity that can be made to look like it takes forever. It’s best to move that ironing board down to the living room and start ironing EVERYTHING. Of course, do it between 7-9:30pm.

6. Make a game of it
The previous tip only works for when the work can be done in front of the TV. This tip covers the other cases.

Start making win-win bets with your wife. For example, “If the Raptors score 20 points in the first quarter, I will totally take the Christmas lights down tonight. If they don’t, no worries, you don’t have to do anything”. Then watch the game to see the bet play out.

Make bets that you know you’re going to “lose”, this way she’ll associate the Raptors as a trigger to getting work done, when in fact you’re the clever one who has carved out time out of nothing. Face it, you’d have to take those Christmas lights down anyway at some point.

Pro tip: Make bets that she can easily understand. For example, don’t bet things like “If Jonas Valanciunas gets X amount of offensive rebounds..” since she doesn’t know who Jonas Valanciunas is nor what an offensive rebound means. Try going for simple items like “If the Raptors score 80 points in this game…”

7. Baby as phone stand
Babies are small, but they’re totally big enough to have a phone rest on their bellies. If it’s your turn to feed the little one, all you have to do is fire up that formula, start league pass, and place the phone gently on the baby as you feed your progeny.

Pro tip: Use a VPN service like Private Internet Access to connect to League Pass to watch your area’s home games. Be sure to keep phone away from baby’s heart due to radiation and stuff.

Got any tips of your own? Please do share.

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