DeMar DeRozan basically never loses his cool. He’s not that kind of player. There’s also something to be said for the merits and space for “that kind of player” in the composition of the NBA, but that’s a longer thought for another day that’s not in the middle of summer.
DeRozan’s only been ejected four times over the course of his 636-game NBA career. So rather than drum up the dramatics of calling him tossing a ball at or around the wall sort of in the vicinity of a ref’s head as a “sad ending to his 41-point performance”, let’s instead channel that energy into making a list of all of the other things we wish we could see DeMar throw a basketball at.
Kelly Olynyk: Are we 100% sure that human drain clog Olynyk didn’t pop up at the end of the court at that exact moment? The ball hit the wall at a much higher point than the ref in question is tall, and not a single one of us can say that we wouldn’t do the same when faced with an unexpected teen wolf Olynyk sighting.
Spiders: Likewise, who’s to say there wasn’t a gigantic spider skittering across the wall, headed right toward this poor referee’s head when the hawk-eyed, incredibly thoughtful DeRozan happened to spot it? A big thank you is in order, guy.
Guys going by on really loud motorcycles: Dude, you are freaking my dog out.
Forest fires: These things are getting out of control. If you filled a basketball with water, could you huck it at the same velocity? Unfortunately I’m not a physicist, just a dreamer.
Tall guy in front of you at the show: Not my fault your head was the perfect target for the NBA’s calmest player who is just letting off some steam this once.
Aaron Gordon’s drone at the 2017 NBA All-Star Game Dunk Contest: If Paul Pierce knew how to text, don’t you think he’d have been blowing up DeRozan’s phone with a request to knock this poorly planned prop out of the sky?
Waiving a player: What better way is there of waiving a ridiculous trade you already know is not going to make it to the start of the new season than by having DeMar DeRozan whip a ball at that person? Goodbye, Justin Hamilton, I’m pretty sure you’re wanted at a Plumlee impersonator reunion anyway.
Broken Social Scene: There’s a 100% chance you’d hit one out of 400 members.
Space junk: Hate this stuff.
That pepper spray meme cop: If someone could just go ahead and Photoshop this that would be great.
Slackliners: A menace to the chill afternoon park experience for far too long. And a moving target, so that much more deserving of the talents of an NBA All-Star.
Things high up on the shelf: There are some times when I would squander the talents of renowned basketball player to get something down off a tall shelf. The last box of cereal knocked all the way back behind the kind I don’t want at No Frills, for example. This is like three wishes, people, except they absolutely don’t come with a hidden hard lesson to learn that will ultimately entrap you in your greed and guilt for all time.
Guilt, regret, existential doubt: All lined up like milk bottles at a carnival except they aren’t magnetized and even if they were, DeMar could knock ‘em all over for you and get you the big, stuffed, pop-culturally relevant prize of the summer. Probably just the poop emoji again, unfortunately.
Prime Minister of Canada, Justin Trudeau: Sorry to make this political but this guy sure could use an expertly aimed basketball to the head to knock his accountability back on track.
Manspreaders: Just picture it, a perfectly aimed basketball, flung from the other end of the subway car, or the front of the bus, with such precision and force that the resulting groan echoes through space and time to dissuade such a spread from ever happening again.
LeBron James: Because it never gets old.
The last rude person you didn’t have a good comeback for right away: Even the most on-point of us can get flustered when someone says something particularly wild to our faces, especially in rush hour transit. Imagine if DeRozan was there, waiting outside of the person in question’s place when they left it the next morning, to throw a basketball at their head while they hopefully held a coffee that proceeded to spill all over them. It wouldn’t be scalding because we’re not after a lawsuit here, just a laugh.
Kelly Olynyk, again: Honestly just watch the clip and tell me you don’t see a huge Sasquatch with an unfortunate full-body goatee lurking around back there.
Emissions: ‘Nuff said!