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Thread: LeBron to Announce Decision at United Nations

  1. #1
    Raptors Republic Rookie Paradigm Shift's Avatar
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    Default LeBron to Announce Decision at United Nations

    I don't know how many Raptors Republicans are familiar with Andy Borowitz. He is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report." In this issue, below, he turns his wit toward NBA free agency.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    LeBron to Announce Decision at United Nations

    By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

    08 July 14


    N.B.A. superstar LeBron James said Tuesday morning that he would announce the name of the team that he is signing with on Thursday at a special session of the United Nations General Assembly to be convened especially for that purpose.

    “This decision affects everyone on the planet,” James said. “I want to let all the nations on Earth know at the same time.”

    An emergency meeting of the U.N. Security Council on Tuesday was deadlocked on the issue, with seven members wanting James to remain in Miami, seven others hoping for a return to Cleveland, and Lithuania abstaining.

    The Miami Heat president, Pat Riley, and the Cleveland Cavaliers owner, Dan Gilbert, both confirmed that they would be in the audience at the United Nations to hear James announce his decision. “I’m not going to lie: I wish he’d tell me in advance,” Riley said. “But I guess I’ll have to wait to hear along with Russia, China, Ecuador, and everybody else. That’s the way LeBron wants it.”

    To help him with his decision, the N.B.A. star has assembled an esteemed circle of advisers, including Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and the scientist Stephen Hawking, all of whom are expected to be in attendance for the United Nations announcement.

    The U.N. General Secretary, Ban Ki-moon, acknowledged on Tuesday that the world body had many other issues on its plate, including conflicts in the Middle East and Ukraine, but added, “It’s really hard to focus on anything until we know where LeBron is going.”

    Source: http://www.newyorker.com/online/blog...d-nations.html

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    This is actually the most credible piece of journalism surrounding this offseason. Waiting for the writers views on how each 2014 draft pick will do in the upcoming season.

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    Raptors Republic Veteran rocwell's Avatar
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    Raptors Republic Superstar enlightenment's Avatar
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    Lol, Lithuania abstains! Some good satire right here
    The Baltic Beast is unstoppable!

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    Lebron is going to the World Cup final in Rio on Sunday. Angela Merkel will be in attendance for the final, too. Maybe Lebron will announce his decision there.

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    Raptors Republic Superstar Superjudge's Avatar
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    This guy.... just when you think he ISN'T gonna create a circus all about him...... he creates a circus all about him.

    Sigh.

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    Raptors Republic Superstar TRex's Avatar
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    Quote Superjudge wrote: View Post
    This guy.... just when you think he ISN'T gonna create a circus all about him...... he creates a circus all about him.

    Sigh.
    It's a joke.
    Follow me on Twitter - @11_RRyan

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    Raptors Republic Veteran MACK11's Avatar
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    Hahahahahha
    On Russel Westbrook's Chances at Defensive Player of the Year:

    "I think he has a good case. He's the only guy who can hold Durant to under 30 points a game."

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    Raptors Republic Superstar Superjudge's Avatar
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    OMG you guys are a step slow.

    Yes, its a satire. Its a satire based upon............ wait for it.......the actual real world circus Lebron is creating in free agency, again

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    The beauty of Andy Borowitz is that he writes on the edge of what is possible/probable. His writing, generally more political, exhibits has a keen sense of what someone with strong political feelings wants to believe their opponent is "really" thinking, beyond the discourse the opponent puts out publicly.

    ...that's why it sometimes easy to get sucked in to thinking it is "real"

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    Seriously guys. Obviously there is no such thing as a UN. Might as well hold a press conference at the Galactic Federation of Planets. - smh

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    Administrator Apollo's Avatar
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    He's worked out arrangements with NASA to send out a deep space probe. It is in humanity's best interest that the Galaxy understand the magnitude of the decision.

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    Administrator Dr. James Naismith's Avatar
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    Quote Apollo wrote: View Post
    He's worked out arrangements with NASA to send out a deep space probe. It is in humanity's best interest that the Galaxy understand the magnitude of the decision.
    That's golden dude. I gotta tweet that shit.

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    Thank you, thank you. I'm here Mondays and Thursdays but I will do special events.

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