SOCHI, Russia — The single most American way to look at Olympic medals standings – particularly when the United States is on top – is with disinterest.
The most golds? The most total medals? Who cares, of course we win, we are the Americans. Second place, fourth, whatever? Who cares, this is stupid anyway, a nation as great as ours doesn’t base its self-worth on whether we have two citizens capable of stacking themselves on a luge sled and whip down an ice track fastest.
This serves America well, a tried and true game plan of utter arrogance for the Olympics and it would be going well this time around except for one thing … we are currently getting crushed by Canada.
Gold medals, silver medals, all medals, it doesn’t matter how you count it up, the Canadians – with just 30 million people – are eating our lunch (probably a chicken noodle soup and a grilled panini from Tim Hortons). Then to quench their thirst they are going to that sweet beer fridge they brought over that only opens if you have a Canadian passport.
Yeah, Canada is cool. The U.S. is not, at least not yet. There’s time and more events and hockey and all of that, but thus far, the Canadians are on a roll, extending their hot streak from the Vancouver Games and winning and winning and winning.
As of Wednesday morning here, the U.S. was in fourth place with just seven medals, a mere two gold. Canada has nine and four, respectively. The United States is also trailing Norway – which leads all nations in medals – and the Netherlands – which is in third behind Canada – but who knows anyone from Norway? Who even knows where it is? And the Dutch are too nice to hate. Or so everyone says.
Canada is a different story. They’ve been waiting for this for years, the chance to get all politely smug up there – “team’s doing well, eh?” – quietly mocking us over mogul races and dreaming that their ridiculous bastardized version of football will somehow gain supremacy.
The province of Quebec has six medals alone, so maybe the solution is simple: 51st state. The Canadians will warn that Quebec is a handful. It’s a little nutty, too prideful and always threatening to secede. This is no problem for us; it’s just Texas with poutine rather than Frito Pie.