Because it's better to laugh than cry:
• Leo and Matt have the chemistry of a Japanese nuclear plant and seawater. Instead of nullifying it, Matt politely spreads Leo's cancerous misery around.
• Alabi is never going to be an NBA player. But if there was a league for sprinting up the court in order to boldly assert his meaninglessness after a change of possession, he'd be an all-star.
• Maybe the grass is 'purpler' on the other side, but the opposition's cheerleaders always seem hotter.
• In terms of overall talent, intuition, effort and experience, Barbosa is our best player. He also looks (and plays) like a really nice guy who you are only slightly surprised to find is stealing women's purses at the mall.
(Part I) Takes at least 5 shots a game that have me shouting, "No! Don't shoot that!", followed by "Damn, this guy is so incredibly skilled"
(Part II) has the slowest (defensive) reaction time in the league. Something will happen -- a post move by an opponent, a rebound or a loose ball, and he has this pregnant little pause, then reacts. He's a human time delay.
(Part III) The counterpunch of "I" followed by "II" invariably make me feel like Charleton Heston at the end of Planet of the Apes.
• James Johnson smirks every time he makes a bucket with any degree of difficulty. It makes me want to punch him -- but in a friendly way, because he'd kick my ass otherwise.
• If you took Mr. Ed (the famous TV horse) and fed him six tubs of peanut butter you'd get the same visual effect as P. J. Carlesimo's jaw during an interview. His bits should be sponsored by Big League Chew.
• Sonny Weems, Reggie Evans and Jose Calderon should hire either translators or speech therapists. Add in fellow mumblies Bargs, Barbosa and DeRozan and you have the makings of the least intelligible team in league history.
• Jay Triano doesn't have the respect of his team. Even the mascot avoids him.
• If Dwight Howard starts making action films and needs a stunt double, he should call Joey Dorsey.
• Amir Johnson has the mechanics of the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. Fortunately, he has his heart, too.
• Julian Wright can't shoot. If I'm ever in front of a firing squad, I hope six of him are pulling the trigger. If there was a World Series of Russian Roulette, he'd win.
Feel free to suggest more