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Thread: Bill Simmons Sums Up our Offseason

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  1. #1
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    Default Bill Simmons Sums Up our Offseason

    "Take the half-man, he can dance for the children; kill the other one!"

    For my single favorite moment of the month: Toronto going all out for Steve Nash, even giving Landry Fields a $19 million poison-pill contract in a desperate attempt to block New York's rumored Steve Nash trade … only the Lakers snared Nash and poor Toronto was stuck with Fields(Fields made just 25.6 percent of his 3s last year and had an astonishingly bad 12.0 PER.), leading to a hilarious scenario when the Raptors immediately tried to amnesty Fields's deal even as he was signing it. (Just kidding. I made that up.)

    You know what the whole thing reminded me of? The Larry Sanders roast (one of the greatest TV episodes of all time7), when Artie had to book an obscure comedian named Kip Addotta to get Jerry Seinfeld at the roast, only Seinfeld canceled at the last minute, leading to Addotta droning on at the roast as Larry fake-laughed in pure misery. Eventually, he leaned over to Artie for the following exchange:

    Larry: "Who the f-ck is that?"
    Artie: "That's Kip Addotta."
    Larry: "Who's that?"
    Larry's agent: "He's the guy we had to get to get Seinfeld."
    Larry: "Where's Seinfeld?"
    Larry's agent: "The bastard canceled an hour ago."

    Basically, Toronto's summer was the Larry Sanders roast, Steve Nash was Jerry Seinfeld, and Landry Fields was Kip Addotta. The good news for Toronto: They salvaged things (a little) by acquiring Lowry, and everyone loves last year's no. 1 pick (Jonas Valanciunas, a stud by all accounts). We don't need to get rid of basketball in Canada just yet.



    Pretty much nail on the head. Let's all fake laugh in pure misery together.

    Now please, for the love of god, somebody merge this thread.
    Last edited by NoBan; Fri Jul 20th, 2012 at 12:35 PM.

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    Raptors Republic Superstar TheGloveinRapsUniform's Avatar
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    Quote NoBan wrote: View Post
    "Take the half-man, he can dance for the children; kill the other one!"

    For my single favorite moment of the month: Toronto going all out for Steve Nash, even giving Landry Fields a $19 million poison-pill contract in a desperate attempt to block New York's rumored Steve Nash trade … only the Lakers snared Nash and poor Toronto was stuck with Fields(Fields made just 25.6 percent of his 3s last year and had an astonishingly bad 12.0 PER.), leading to a hilarious scenario when the Raptors immediately tried to amnesty Fields's deal even as he was signing it. (Just kidding. I made that up.)

    You know what the whole thing reminded me of? The Larry Sanders roast (one of the greatest TV episodes of all time7), when Artie had to book an obscure comedian named Kip Addotta to get Jerry Seinfeld at the roast, only Seinfeld canceled at the last minute, leading to Addotta droning on at the roast as Larry fake-laughed in pure misery. Eventually, he leaned over to Artie for the following exchange:

    Larry: "Who the f-ck is that?"
    Artie: "That's Kip Addotta."
    Larry: "Who's that?"
    Larry's agent: "He's the guy we had to get to get Seinfeld."
    Larry: "Where's Seinfeld?"
    Larry's agent: "The bastard canceled an hour ago."

    Basically, Toronto's summer was the Larry Sanders roast, Steve Nash was Jerry Seinfeld, and Landry Fields was Kip Addotta. The good news for Toronto: They salvaged things (a little) by acquiring Lowry, and everyone loves last year's no. 1 pick (Jonas Valanciunas, a stud by all accounts). We don't need to get rid of basketball in Canada just yet.



    Pretty much nail on the head. Let's all fake laugh in pure misery together.

    Now please, for the love of god, somebody merge this thread.
    hahaha this is hilarious

    Any which way you sugarcoat it, Landry Fields was a pawn in the botched Steve Nash signing. And BC should come out and be honest and say that it was what it was really was. Too many was. But seriously, just say we went after Nash, used Fields to up our chances, but it still failed, and now we're stuck with Fields.

    Im surprised that at the presscon, nobody dared ask Landry how it felt being the pawn. "Landry, do you know that you werent really a target acquisition, but rather was being used as a deterrent for the Knicks so they can't acquire Nash?" Yikes.

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    Super Moderator ReubenJRD's Avatar
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    Quote TheGloveinRapsUniform wrote: View Post
    hahaha this is hilarious

    Any which way you sugarcoat it, Landry Fields was a pawn in the botched Steve Nash signing. And BC should come out and be honest and say that it was what it was really was. Too many was. But seriously, just say we went after Nash, used Fields to up our chances, but it still failed, and now we're stuck with Fields.

    Im surprised that at the presscon, nobody dared ask Landry how it felt being the pawn. "Landry, do you know that you werent really a target acquisition, but rather was being used as a deterrent for the Knicks so they can't acquire Nash?" Yikes.
    Yeah but he's also a solid acquisition however way you want to put. He's most definitely better than JJ, the only thing I don't like about him is his contract. Which yes, basically every raptor fan is talking about.

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    Raptors Republic Superstar heinz57's Avatar
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    Quote TheGloveinRapsUniform wrote: View Post
    hahaha this is hilarious

    Any which way you sugarcoat it, Landry Fields was a pawn in the botched Steve Nash signing. And BC should come out and be honest and say that it was what it was really was. Too many was. But seriously, just say we went after Nash, used Fields to up our chances, but it still failed, and now we're stuck with Fields.

    Im surprised that at the presscon, nobody dared ask Landry how it felt being the pawn. "Landry, do you know that you werent really a target acquisition, but rather was being used as a deterrent for the Knicks so they can't acquire Nash?" Yikes.
    thbisisis? is that you?

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    Quote TheGloveinRapsUniform wrote: View Post

    Im surprised that at the presscon, nobody dared ask Landry how it felt being the pawn. "Landry, do you know that you werent really a target acquisition, but rather was being used as a deterrent for the Knicks so they can't acquire Nash?" Yikes.
    Perhaps, but it's equally true that New York was using him as a pawn to try to acquire Nash, and hadn't shown much interest in resigning him except as sign-and-trade bait. Dude plays great, exceeds expectations, but becomes an afterthought to New York's superstar approach to team-building. If I were him, I'd relish the opportunity to screw NYK over by moving to a division rival and thwarting their dreams of acquiring Nash. Like they say, in the NBA, money = respect. Toronto was willing to give him $19 million dollars worth of respect, who cares if it was part of a larger plan that fell through.

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    Super Moderator Joey's Avatar
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    Quote NoBan wrote: View Post
    Now please, for the love of god, somebody merge this thread.
    I would say this is no longer funny; but that would imply that it was funny at some point in time ....
    In Masai we Trust.

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    Quote joey_hesketh wrote: View Post
    I would say this is no longer funny; but that would imply that it was funny at some point in time ....
    The jerkstore called, and they are running out of you!














    I had sex with your wife!

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    Super Moderator Joey's Avatar
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    Quote NoBan wrote: View Post
    The jerkstore called, and they are running out of you!
    "Whats the difference? You're their all time best seller!"

    I had sex with your wife!
    My wifes in a coma ...

    Don't try and out-Seinfeld me. hahah


    And I wasns't trying to be a jerk, just pointing out that you really should just get over the Merging habbits of the Mods on this site. Its been run a certain way for a LONG time, and I would be quite disappointed if everything changed just because one guy wouldn't stop harping about it.
    In Masai we Trust.

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    Raptors Republic All-Star Hotshot's Avatar
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    Quote joey_hesketh wrote: View Post
    "Whats the difference? You're their all time best seller!"



    My wifes in a coma ...

    Don't try and out-Seinfeld me. hahah
    Are you saying you want a piece of me?! (had to throw my hat in because of the Seinfeld reference ).

    I think in order to get our money worth on Landry Fields, his girlfriend needs to be in every home game wearing a sexy outfit and blowing kisses to the camera. It will still be better then Chris Bosh annoying ex with her aircraft carrier size forehead.

    Speaking of Seinfeld, I think this gif best signify Steve Nash reaction about the Raptors offer as well as my reaction of Colangelo drafting Ross, offering a contract to Nash and signing Landry Field.

    Last edited by Hotshot; Fri Jul 20th, 2012 at 07:12 PM.

  10. #10
    Super Moderator Joey's Avatar
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    As for the actual thread, Bill Simmons is a joke just looking for a laugh.
    Dude wouldn't know serious journalism if it punched him in the face.
    In Masai we Trust.

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    Quote joey_hesketh wrote: View Post
    As for the actual thread, Bill Simmons is a joke just looking for a laugh.
    Dude wouldn't know serious journalism if it punched him in the face.
    The guy runs one of the most successful sports & pop culture websites in America. He masterminded the most successful sports documentary series ever. He wrote what is widely considered the bible of basketball, which was a #1 best seller.

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    Raptors Republic Hall of Famer mcHAPPY's Avatar
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    Quote NoBan wrote: View Post
    The guy runs one of the most successful sports & pop culture websites in America. He masterminded the most successful sports documentary series ever. He wrote what is widely considered the bible of basketball, which was a #1 best seller.
    Doesn't make him a journalist.

    Columnist? Author? Essayist? Documentary Extraordinaire? Dickhead*?
    Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.


    *That is just my opinion because I am sick of the constant Raptor/Toronto bashing with the relocation talk. Anyone seriously arguing moving the Raptors at this time is ignorant or just trying to create discussion/controversy/interest.

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    Quote NoBan wrote: View Post
    The guy runs one of the most successful sports & pop culture websites in America. He masterminded the most successful sports documentary series ever. He wrote what is widely considered the bible of basketball, which was a #1 best seller.
    Not to mention that the Larry Sanders show was one of the greatest sitcoms EVER! I wonder who Hank was in that scenario? Maybe Maurizio?
    HHHHHHHHHHHEY NOW!

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    Raptors Republic Superstar planetmars's Avatar
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    I really like Bill Simmons (his book of basketball is a great read).. but I don't think he would ever consider himself a journalist. He's a fan of the game, and he writes about it. He writes for entertainment and will exaggerate a lot to make his point, but his points are usually right, IMO.

    What I love about Simmons is that he doesn't hold back. If he thinks something was stupid he will tell you. Unlike a journalist he doesn't have to worry if an agent, player, gm/owner has a grudge against them for something he wrote. I loved his remark about Brand/Kaman and how they didn't work out in 2006 when they were much younger, and how he's unsure how that would work out in Dallas. It caused both Cuban and Kaman to react. You don't typically see that from real journalists.

    When it comes to the Fields signing no one can deny that it was a bad contract. But if the goal was to get Nash, and if it worked it would have been considered a brilliant move. Nash didn't sign and we got a pretty good young player. We're not trying to win a championship next season so its not that big of a deal - however from an outsider looking in, it does seem pretty funny - especially since it doesn't happen very often. How often do you hear of one team cock-blocking another team so they can get a top-notch free agent? That's actually quite entertaining.

    Also we're only on the books for Fields' average salary, which is about $6.3M a year for 3 years.. that's not Arena's money. He is very tradeable. Hell if Turk was traded I'm sure Fields could get traded as well.

    If you read the entire article out on Grantland (there is a part 2 as well) you can see that Simmons makes fun of all the ridiculous signings, but will give credit where credit is due.

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    Raptors Republic Hall of Famer mcHAPPY's Avatar
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    Quote planetmars wrote: View Post
    I really like Bill Simmons (his book of basketball is a great read).. but I don't think he would ever consider himself a journalist. He's a fan of the game, and he writes about it. He writes for entertainment and will exaggerate a lot to make his point, but his points are usually right, IMO.

    What I love about Simmons is that he doesn't hold back. If he thinks something was stupid he will tell you. Unlike a journalist he doesn't have to worry if an agent, player, gm/owner has a grudge against them for something he wrote. I loved his remark about Brand/Kaman and how they didn't work out in 2006 when they were much younger, and how he's unsure how that would work out in Dallas. It caused both Cuban and Kaman to react. You don't typically see that from real journalists.

    When it comes to the Fields signing no one can deny that it was a bad contract. But if the goal was to get Nash, and if it worked it would have been considered a brilliant move. Nash didn't sign and we got a pretty good young player. We're not trying to win a championship next season so its not that big of a deal - however from an outsider looking in, it does seem pretty funny - especially since it doesn't happen very often. How often do you hear of one team cock-blocking another team so they can get a top-notch free agent? That's actually quite entertaining.

    Also we're only on the books for Fields' average salary, which is about $6.3M a year for 3 years.. that's not Arena's money. He is very tradeable. Hell if Turk was traded I'm sure Fields could get traded as well.

    If you read the entire article out on Grantland (there is a part 2 as well) you can see that Simmons makes fun of all the ridiculous signings, but will give credit where credit is due.
    Simmons is to journalism what professional wrestling is to professional sport.

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    Quote Matt52 wrote: View Post
    Simmons is to journalism what professional wrestling is to professional sport.
    That's a bit of a stretch, isn't it?

    And I would just ignore his sarcastic rants about moving the NBA out of Toronto. Nothing he says will expedite the process of the Raptors switching cities because there is no chance of it happening anytime in the near future IMO.

    My impression of him is that he is hit or miss. Sometimes I like his show, and sometimes I don't. I would put him at more of the Howard Stern of the NBA (minus the nudity and swearing of course).
    Walking like I'm already there.

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    Quote 10 000 Hours wrote: View Post
    That's a bit of a stretch, isn't it?

    And I would just ignore his sarcastic rants about moving the NBA out of Toronto. Nothing he says will expedite the process of the Raptors switching cities because there is no chance of it happening anytime in the near future IMO.

    My impression of him is that he is hit or miss. Sometimes I like his show, and sometimes I don't. I would put him at more of the Howard Stern of the NBA (minus the nudity and swearing of course).
    I don't think so.

    He is a very talented writer.

    Remember, I am talking journalism. He is not a journalist.

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    Administrator Arsenalist's Avatar
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    I really hope that a day will come where we'll stop being the butt of jokes.

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    Quote Matt52 wrote: View Post
    I don't think so.

    He is a very talented writer.

    Remember, I am talking journalism. He is not a journalist.
    Sure, he's a columnist. But he's also one who's quite connected to the basketball world and seems to be able to have intimate chats with many of games top stars. They seem to respect him, but I can understand your viewpoint. He's definitely not for everyone.
    Walking like I'm already there.

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    Here's another Raptor's blurb from Simmonsn on the lithuania/russia match:

    Even if the Timofey Mozgov/Jonas Valanciunas center battle didn't bring back memories of Russell and Chamberlain, or even Dave Cowens and Tom Boerwinkle, I loved watching the guy who nearly derailed the Carmelo deal before realizing his meaninglessbackupbigmanian destiny in Denver (Mozgov) outplaying the top-five lottery pick that Toronto stashed away last summer (Valanciunas). On the bright side for Raptors fans …

    1. Even if Valanciunas doesn't seem like he knows where to go or what to do, and even if his pick-and-roll defense could only be described as calamitous, he's only 20 AND he hustles. So there's hope.

    2. At least they ended up with Landry Fields instead of Steve Nash.


    #facepalm

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