…Pay Attention During The Pre Season
10. The Biggest Losers. Cause it’s fun to see who’s been stacking plates in the weight room, and who’s just been stacking plates. Nothing short of Al-Qaeda allegiance worries a GM more. Perennial “Watch List” members include Eddie Curry, Michael Sweetney, and The Big Pasta Bowl, Shaq.
9. Rounding Out The Dozen. Most positions are already locked down, but watching mediocre players fight it out for roster spots is a true pleasure. From the moment they hit the court, they’re like a pet-store puppy showing off for potential owners. They run around like mad, take poor shots, and generally try way too hard. But somehow, it’s always endearing. Remember watching the kid with one leg try out for the high school soccer team? You know he’s not going to make it, but gosh if he isn’t cute for trying.
8. WNBA Watch. Every year the league matches up NBA teams against non-NBA teams; Every year at least one NBA team loses. How long till they bring the WNBA into the mix? I’m starting the over/under at 2.5 seasons. Don’t you want to see the Houston Comets take on the New Orleans Hornets? Tell me you wouldn’t gather your buddies and a 2-4, together developing some makeshift drinking game to celebrate the missed layups.
7 (or 8a, depending on who’s counting) Muggin’. I love, love LOVE the look on a player’s face when they lose to a non-NBA team. It’s somewhere between homicide, suicide, and Justin Timberlake’s drug-fuelled disbelief on Punk’d. Sure, they get paid millions to suit up, and sure, its only preseason. But for guys with more pride than brains, it absolutely tears them apart when they get smoked by a team who’s name they can’t even pronounce.
6. Name Game. Foreign announcers pronouncing NBA names, NBA announcers massacring foreign names. Hilarious for everyone involved. Yes, this could be solved by spending ten minutes going over the rosters, but where’s the nationality-insulting fun in that?
5. Snap! Crackle! Pop! At least one marquee player misses the upcoming season following a serious pre-season injury. You don’t want to miss it! It will lead the players to release statements like ‘We feel for him but we’re more than just one player’, and the ownership to consider bubble-wrapping their players and cancelling next year’s pre-season.
4. The Off-the-Court Incident. Beat-downs. Robberies. Driving into a pole while masterbating to porn. Our overpaid, undereducated superstars are good for at least one handcuffable mishap before Halloween. The easy bet (and perrenial Oops! All-Star) is Stephen Jackson, but if you ask me, the smart bet this year is Ricky Davis, stuck alone with his NBDL teammates in Wastelandistan…I’m sorry, Minnesota.
3. New Hairdo’s. Because People, In Touch, and US Weekly don’t follow around our heros. Who shaved their cornrows? Who’s rockin’ a ‘fro? Who’s shaved inexplicable objects into their head? I need to know. We need a hoops tabloid. I’m sure ESPN will get right on it – they don’t seem to discriminate.
2. It means something. Even when people say it means nothing. What they mean to say is that pre-season standings mean nothing. But all you had to do was watch the Toronto/Boston game Saturday to know that these players are looking to set the tone early.
1. Because it’s still more interesting than Baseball playoffs.
