Destroying the Eastern Conference Chumpions

The game last night was a telling example of the cruel, fleeting joke that is NBA success. A combination of favorable match-ups, superior teams choking, Lebron’s very broad shoulders and three drops of David Stern’s sorcerer blood landed Cleveland in the Finals last year. They reacted the same way the rest of the NBA did: “Seriously?” I can’t believe Eric Snow has been the starting PG for two NBA Finals teams. There’s hope for Derrick Martin yet.

(A side note: Who wouldn’t pay $10 to watch a Martin/Snow 1-on-1 Pay-Per-View event? Get NBA superstars to do the color commentary and analysis and watch them hold in their laughter. I think Arenas and Carmelo would be a good tandem.)

I’m sure it had nothing to do with the dollar value and unlimited marketing opportunities Lebron carries with him deep into the playoffs, but one thing’s certain – even before Game 1 of the Finals, they were considered by NO ONE to be the best team in the East.

And after watching them last night, I am going to say it right here, right now: Without Varejao and Pavlovic, this team isn’t making the playoffs. New York, Orlando, Atlanta, Miami, and Charlotte all look better than the Lebrons, not to mention Jersey, Chicago, Detroit, Washington, Boston, and us.

Though it was a very uneventful game with the Raps in control from the offset, here are some thoughts as I watched the home team effortlessly demolish their competition:

Pre-Game:

Before tipoff, ~~Michael Chiklis~~ Joey Crawford walked over to Nav Bahtia aka the Superfan, and the two unlikely friends hugged it out. I’m sure it was innocent, but if Joey happens to leave the ACC in a shiny new Hyundai, don’t think Stern’s henchmen won’t rappelle down from their gargoyle perches and ‘eject’ Crawford from his ride.

I wonder when Lebron’s gonna do his powder-in-the-air move (you know, the one he stole from KG?) in front of the wrong announcer. One day he’s gonna splash all that baby powder in the face of a drunken announcer who’s wife just left him, and the King’s gonna get a mic in the trachea. My money’s on the Nets announcer. He’s gotta be a ticking time bomb.

– This ranks right up there on the Obvious Scale, but Lebron looks and acts like the leader of this team. As he throws down a thunderous one-handed jam, every available womb in the building prepare itself in hopes of catching LBJ’s baby batter, aka the Golden Shot.

First Quarter Notes

After heating it up in the pre-game shootaround, Kapono’s first touch is a swish.

– TJ’s throwing hot dimes. Too hot, in fact. I’ve counted two deflections, and one missed pass so far. He better take some mustard off those doggies or he’s gonna make a mess.

Another J leaves Kapono’s hand, another 2 points. I blinked and missed his release. His spacing, both in transition and in the half court is excellent. If he can hit the open shot consistently (like he did last year, at over 50%) and AP decides to show up and play, we’ll have more than enough room to run plays for Bosh and Bargs to do their thing…er, thang.

Maybe they caught wind of yesterday’s post, because the first thing Rasho does it take the ball right at Big Z for 2. Z then takes it right back at Rasho on the other end and draws the and-1 with a veteran pump fake (then clangs the freebie, lights a smoke, and puffs back on defence.)

End of Quarter: 23-18 Toronto

Second Quarter Notes

Mop Girl is losing her hotness. Maybe the novelty is wearing off, maybe she’s getting older, maybe she got a less attractive mop. Regardless, she’s a major disappointment. One less complete stranger worshipping her every move.

Ocho hits the court and gets more applause than TJ. I wonder who gets more women? If the team was located in America, I’d say TJ for sure. But here, I think Jose has to be ahead. Is there any way to track this information? If anyone reading this has slept with either Jose Calderon or TJ Ford, please leave a comment.

Humph drops a confident J from just behind the free-throw line. He didn’t have that last season. Looks like he came to play.

TJ makes another bad decision that almost leads to a turnover. If Cleveland was any good, they’d have picked it off. But most of their players run like they’re playing with their shoes untied.

Kapono knocks down a 3 as the buzzer signals half.

End of the Second: 50-45 Toronto.

So far we’re playing great in transition, moving the ball around with crisp, committed passing (except TJ, who somehow has 8 assists). And the Cavs, with the exception of Lebron, couldn’t beat my coed work team (Go Ringers!)

3rd Quarter

Kapono and Rasho are the first two guys out of the locker room after the half, hitting the court early to work on jump shots. It’s notable and impressive, something I’m sure the coaches pay attention to. Who wants a starting spot?

Somebody please teach Bargnani how to follow his shot. Yeah, he’s got a sick stroke but it’s also a streaky stroke. If he followed his shot he’d have 4 more boards per game and 6 more points. Now, Dirk follows his shots – that’s difference #215.

Kapono. So hot right now. You can almost see him winking to Carlos, Joey, and Juan as he struts past the bench. I’m trying to locate his wife, the undeniable source of his hotness.

Apparently the Cavs are paying Larry Hughes $12 million this year (with $12.8 next year, over $13mill the year after – when I saw this I almost choked) to throw alley oops. Cause he sure doesn’t do anything else.

Bargnani is toasted on a nice move by Gooden but great help D by CB4 for the block. What injury?

It’s 6:45 in the 3rd, and BD (Bad Decision) Ford already has 10 dimes. Have I mentioned the Cavs look awful?

TJ steals the ball and dishes it to Kapono for another easy two. The Cavs just can’t take care of the ball. There have been at least four steals by our PG’s before the Cavs crossed the half court line.

In all the ugliness, LBJ makes it look easy. He’s just too strong. You can hear the slaps echoing off his reinforced steel beams arms as he takes it to the lane and finishes the potential three-point play.

Delfino with a nice stepback J. I look up to the scoreboard and he’s got 12 and 7. A very quiet 12 and 7. I wish he had a bit more outward aggressiveness, some swagger.

I’m now convinced Kapono will be our starter on opening day. He’s playing starter’s minutes, getting starter’s points, and though Delfino’s putting together a pretty good game, I can’t help but lean Jason’s way..

I think I just caught Drew Gooden on the bench making sushi plans for after the game. I bet he’s going to Circa after.

As Delfino drops another three, I can’t help but applaud the fact that we have four white guys on the court, which makes their celebratory chest bump all the more awkward.

End of Third Quarter: 80-62 Raptors

4th Quarter

As he flies past Devin Brown again, it’s clear Calderon ‘Calderowns’ the Cavs PG’s. (When you’re done laughing uncontrollably, please read on)

NOTE: I stopped taking notes temporarily for one reason and one reason only: Because I’m tipsy and because I don’t want to be too disrespectful to the Eastern conference champs. But wow. Up by 30, they just can’t handle our 3’s, defence, and speed.

Put down the beer, pick up the pen(cil).

We have so many steals. Must check stats after. (UPDATE: 14 steals for the good guys by 9 different players. I’ll credit their quickness, but those Cleveland passes were so telegraphed, I picked one off from Section 104.)

With 5:15 to go – Moon, Baston, Jackson, and Graham hit the floor for the first time! Because you’d think this would be prime prove-yourself time (despite Sam’s assertion that what happens in practice will determine the final roster), why Jamario and Baston haven’t been in the game yet is a mystery to me. Why Joey hasn’t is not. If the Raptors were Archie and the Gang, he’d be Big Moose.

A minute later, Derrick Martin takes out his dentures, puts in his mouth-guard, and wheels himself onto the floor to start jacking shots.

Jamario swats the ball away. This is followed by someone behind me yelling, “You just got mooned!” I turned around to applaud the obvious joke but got a faceful of someone’s hairy ass. Damn double entendres.

As Luke Jackson feeds a streaking Jamario in transition for the easy 2, my friend Cash exclaims: “Luke’s onto some metaphysical shit now. He just literally passed his roster spot on to Jamario.” He waited to make sure I wrote that one down.

FINAL SCORE: Raptors 111, Cleveland 36.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Raps did all the right things, pouncing early and knocking the wind out of their wine-colored sails. But while the game wasn’t so telling for the unchallenged home front, it spoke volumes for the team in defeat.All Cav starters played over 30 minutes, with the exception of Z, who played 29. There wasn’t a single Raptor who played over 25 minutes. This does not bode well for Cleveland. 20 Turnovers, 16 assists, 41%FG and 18.8% from 3 spells four quarters of ugly basketball played by the Best Player In The World and his traveling DancePak.

They better cough up the cash to bring their two most valuable role players back or Anderson and Sasha fall for one of those African email scams.