The Day After

8 mins read

Dear Dinosty Readers,

I’m sorry for yelling.

Daddy (me) doesn’t really hate Mommy (Raptors), but sometimes when adults are mad they say things they don’t mean. Not in this case, however, as I meant every profane word I wrote about that bitch.  What you need to understand is that Mommy’s a slut, and instead of turning down Lebron James’ advances she spread her legs wide open and let him get right in, shooting his hot supremacy all over her slackjawed face.

But despite all that’s happened, we’re not getting a divorce. True love like ours can’t be squandered after one mishap (unless the man makes it). We’re working out our differences, and Daddy’s hoping she’s learned from her mistakes…though she hasn’t in the past.

Anyway, I still love you kids, and probably will until I find a suitable younger woman (aka the 2010 Brooklyn Nets) so I can ditch this rusty ball and chain.

Love Always,



Now that you’ve all accepted my apology (you have), there are three things I want to mention about yesterday’s game.

No Rebounds: We gave them 20 extra possessions by giving up 20 offensive rebounds. That stat alone rings louder than our feeble free throw percentage or lack of defence down the stretch. Remember playing Red Ass in the schoolyard? When you were palms up against that brick wall, praying silently your assailants were inaccurate? Well imagine they kept missing, but instead of leaving the wall welt-free they were allowed 20 MORE tosses of that tennis ball at your unprotected pre-pubescent body? Chances are you’re going to end up with a bruised bottom for most of the afternoon.  

Fast Slow Break: In the first quarter we were running up and down, getting easy transition buckets. Life was gooood. Jose was racing up court (off defensive rebounds!) and feeding to a streaking Raptor wing for an easy deuce. It was working beautifully, not only racking up points but demoralizing Cleveland on both ends of the court. So of course we don’t score another fast break point until the fourth quarter, when Chris Bosh takes the ball coast to coast in frustration. Instead we chose to labor in a half-court set and prove the pick and roll is Toronto’s 1, 1a and 1b play. So why did we stop running? Certainly not because Cleveland played better transition defence, which would be the only legit reason.

Timid Towers: I don’t know about you guys, but I was screaming at my TV after James scored his second three for 8 consecutive points (my neighbor screamed back, clearly not a sports fan). If you got a guy carving you up like that and you know your coach is too dumb to call a timeout to halt his momentum, don’t you think a hard foul might remind him it’s not going to be easy? Literally every play Cleveland ran in the 4th was Lebron iso at the top of the key to penetrate and either kick it out or finish at the rim. Where was the physical intimidation, the ‘this is our rim’ mentality? I’m not suggesting we play dirty, but basketball is a contact sport, right? And he was fouled, fine, but soft touch fouls only get a player to the line. Rule #1: If you’re going to foul a player, make sure he doesn’t get the shot up. 

We don’t have a single player on our roster who is interested in sending a message. Humphries is our most physical player but doesn’t possess that – I don’t want to call it a mean streak – aggressiveness, that assertiveness, that pride. 

But as Matt from Hardwood Paroxysm accurately pointed out, sending a message is one thing, but sending a message to LEBRON JAMES is another. Who wants to be labeled as the guy who beat on the King? These guys, that’s who. 

Players I would want on the Raptors because they would foul LeBron James

Eric Dampier: For all his shortcomings, Dampier has been playing with tremendous pride for the past 120 games. He brings a swagger to the middle and has no problem ‘sending a message’ to opposing players. Damp ain’t afraid of no one.

Bruce Bowen: Tough to put him on this list because I wouldn’t want him on our team, but he would certainly not shy away from bodychecking LeBron as he coasts to the rim. Or kneeing him in the balls, punching him in the adam’s apple, defecating in his Gatorade, or eating his children.

Glen Davis: I’m putting this rook on the list because of how hard he battles around the rim. If he threw his big badass body into LeBron a couple times, I bet the King settles for jumpers on the subsequent possessions.

Dikembe Mutumbo/Shaquille O’Neal: These two guys appear together on here because they’re at the twilight of their Hall of Fame careers and have nothing to lose by a flagrant or two.  Hell, they could DDT him and not lose respect.

Reggie Evans: He’s as dirty as they come. Watch the next time the Cavs play the Sixers: LBJ avoids this guy.

Jason Maxiell, Antonio McDyess, Rasheed Wallace:  There’s a reason the Pistons don’t get beaten in the paint (Boston game notwithstanding – they weren’t beaten by a slasher). 

Kenyon Martin: Not afraid of anyone. Before he was Mr. Glass, h
e was an imposing interior presence, one a’ them ‘fear strikers’. And he seems the type not to appreciate Lebron’s pretty ass game, and wouldn’t jive with #23 dancing through HIS paint.

Matt Barnes: Along with Jackson, plays with a sense of ownership on the defensive end. A gritty player who’s physicality makes him an asset to his team.

Ronny Turiaf/Udonis Haslem: See Kenyon Martin (minus the Mr. Glass)

UPDATE: Ron Artest: Because who’s crazier than Ron Artest? I think if he threw LBJ to the ground like Lebron deserves (hard and clean), James would so be rattled he’d retire and be a ‘consultant’ for the rest of his life.

Am I forgetting anyone? Drop ’em in the comments section if you’re got someone to add to the list.


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