A Spanish Soliloquy

7 mins read

Dear Senor Stoudamire,

Como estas?

My friends Juan Carlos and Pau have shared with me rumors of your unsatisfaction in Graceville. And today I awoke after a long night of drinking cervezas with beautiful women to read on major sports leader, the ESPN, that you are considering ze great powerhouse of Boston along with the Suns of Phoenix as your destination. It is with humble heart that I ask you to consider donning the great Canadian jersey and return to the Toronto Raptors.

It’s simple, really. Think about it un momento:

Do you really want to wake up in your hotel room after a road loss to see Senor Intensity Kevin Garnett hovering over you, daring you to wake? Do you really want to sit on a flight for hours on end listening to Eddie House and James Posey out-loco each other? And do you REALLY want to be anywhere near Senor Pierce? He is a danger to your health! After all, you don’t get stabbed eleven times for being sweet as sangria.

Besides that, did you perchance see the game last night? I was en fuego!

The Sol’s might be fun to watch, but I must admit I have no respect for the state of Arizona. Have you seen how they treat Latinos? I spit on their silicone souls. And don’t let your former teammate Steve Kerr sell you a broken donkey: This team is unstable. Leandro and I made friends last year at Pau’s summer pork roast, and I got the truth. Senor Amare is a big baby, Senor Marion is always unsatisfied, and you would be once again battling for playing time with Marcus Banks and DJ Strawberry. At least here in Toronto you are guaranteed playing time until Senor TJ comes back, and he’s not exactly stuffing the taco in physio, if you catch my drift (In case my analogy does not translate, what I am saying is that he is not progressing.)

And you know that Toronto is a nice city. Clean, good smelling, excellent burritos. The city shares your pasión for the marijuana. It’s not even a crime – how loco is that? Toronto embraced you once, and it shall embrace you again. Remember your fun times here? Your Rookie award? You had by far your best statistical years with the Raptors, and were even awarded a personal nickname, which I’m told is the highest form of flattery an NBA player can be granted.

Here in Toronto you will get quality playing time with true sporting gentlemen. And I will have you know I deeply respect all of the mouse peoples. My fellow countryman and off-season Ibiza travelbuddy Speedy Gonzalez can attest to this.

Por favor, make Toronto your home. You return, I can assure you, would make everybody salsa!

With warm and spicy regards,

Your amigo,

Jose Manuel Calderon

P.S. If nothing else, do it for Jose. I really cannot play another game with Juan and Senor Darrick behind me. They are nice hombres, but as they say, “nice” does not crack the pinata.


Thanks, Jose*. Glad you came through with that, because there’s nothing interesting about the Bucks now that Andrew Bogut cut his braided rattail.

* Check out Kelly Dywer’s passionate plea for Jose‘s All-Star status (thanks HP).

It’ll be good to see Jim Todd and Charlie V., fun to watch Michael Redd, who might end up with the “Saddest Career Award” of my generation* when it’s all said and done. But even when they play Phoenix, I find them utterly dull, worse than a George Lopez cameo on Everybody Loves Raymond. And I don’t have time for dull these days. So Toronto, lay it to ’em please in an efficient and definite fashion, so I can go back to penning hypothetical semi-stereotypical letters to disgruntled basketball players. Much appreciated.

*Ray Allen barely dodged this bullet.

(Of course, given the Raptors propensity to zzzzzzzz after a big win, this game could get away from us if we’re not careful. Keep The Big Yi-Hah at bay, don’t let mediocre guards Charlie Bell, Royal Ivey, and Mo Williams get going from deep, and we should be fine.)

Girl Talk: Bobby Simmons

wellllll……apparently everyone has been to his place by the lake cuz actually, he used to have the hots for this one girl a little while ago in milw. i knew a friend of hers. i guess her girl spilled the beans cuz people used to gossip about it at work all of the time. i haven’t seen them together in a min. i saw them a long time ago at this northside club and some spots downtown, but i haven’t seen them this season. she was pretty, she had her shit together, probably why he stopped seeing her. and why would you brag about screwing Mo and Bobby. both have families with their girlfriends. make you own shit happen. stop trying to float on someone else’s cloud. fans and groupies. that’s all you will ever be.

I totally agree. Get your own cloud, hater.

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