DeMar DeRozan lays claims to ‘invisible shot-blockers’

DeMar DeRozan has alleged that invisible shot-blockers have taken refuge inside the paint on occasions the USC-hitman drives to the paint.

DeMar DeRozan has alleged that invisible shot-blockers have taken refuge inside the paint on occasions the USC-hitman drives to the paint. Although the empirical evidence to support these claims exist, NBA officials have rebuked any such talk stating that “it’s completely idiotic”. DeRozan has maintained his stance on the topic claiming that every time he drives to the rim he sees the rim “right there” and suddenly out of nowhere his shot is prematurely aborted.

Speaking after a Young Onez promotional event at Real Sports Bar, DeRozan reignited the issue saying that the NBA needs to investigate this phenomenon and not allow opposing teams to have a sixth, and sometimes seventh player, present on DeRozan’s drives. When questioned about why it only happens to him and not anyone else, DeRozan retorted, “cuz I’m from Compton”. The reply, much like DeRozan’s jumper, made little sense.

Raptors supremo, Jay Triano, added fuel to the fire by claiming that it’s the only explanation of why a “high flyer” such as DeRozan is seemingly unable to finish once he gets to the rim. “My D-36X9 goggles, made of the same stuff they use in those airport scanners, can clearly spot these additional players, they’re sitting on the baseline and as soon as DeMar makes his predictable spin move, they get right up and block it, sometimes downwards”.

DeRozan’s poor run of form was further magnified when, ahead of Wednesday’s clash in Toronto, gun-wielding point guard Gilbert Arenas questioned whether the USC product had any claims to the title of “high flyer”. The sporadically scoring ex-blogger stated: “I’ve never seen him dunk on anyone, Nick Young’s got more dunks”. A quick search on YouTube supported Arenas’ story. Upon further investigation, little evidence was found of DeRozan possessing the capability to dunk on people, and the only video proof of him dunking was in an empty gym, on the fast break, or on his bedroom where an official 4-feet plastic rim is firmly secured to the door. Ex-Raptor Patrick O’Bryant almost recalled DeRozan dunking on him in practice but later revised his story saying that it was only in a video game.

An arthritic Vince Carter, whose aerial antics once made him a legend north of the border, called on DeRozan to overcome his fears of the would-be shot blockers by taking more threes. Carter, now a mere vestige, sent a text message to DeRozan: “U kno dat itz hardr to blk a 3 den a dunk, rite? LOL”. A league source close to the situation spoke on the condition of anonymity stating that they had, “no idea” who DeRozan was.

In a matchup of two spectacularly pedestrian sides, the Raptors host the Wizards in Toronto tonight. Wizards talisman, John Wall, is listed as questionable for the game, one that can be seen on Sportsnet. The only channel that doesn’t require Rogers customers to subscribe to the VIP Ultimate Super Extra HD Plus Package to watch a Raptors game. The two sides faced off in Washington a fortnight ago when the Raptors suffered a 109-94 setback without Wall, after the game Andrea Bargnani had an epiphany which team-sources described as him going to the corner of the locker-room, facing the wall, and speaking gently into his hands for three hours. The trick worked as the ex-Benetton player went on to average 27.25 points over the next four games, all Raptors wins.

With the post-season a distant dream for both franchises, the entertainment from this encounter will come from the subtleties:

  • Will Jose Calderon commit an uncharacteristically bad turnover?
  • How many shots will Sonny Weems take which will be completely out of the rhythm of the offense?
  • Will Andray Blatche get boo’d for torturing the English language by spelling his first name that way?
  • Will Jay Triano call a timeout in the third quarter?
  • Will Raptors-rookie, Ed Davis play? And if he does, will he have 25 points and 12 rebounds?
  • Will Jerryd Bayless repay the faith shown in him by Blake Murphy?
  • Will the ACC fans think “Is that his brother?” when Hamady Ndiaye comes into the game?
  • Will Al Thornton have a career game?
  • How many times will Matt Devlin say “that’s his area” when referring to Linas Kleiza’s mediocre post-game?

This and more. Tonight.

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