Imagining Conversations Between Drake and the Raptors Front-Office

6 mins read

Drake says he’s friends with Demar Derozan and Rudy Gay. Does this mean the Raptors won’t be #rigginforwiggins? Read on for a #hotsportstake.

Note: This idea was totally stolen from’s Shea Serrano‘s series entitled: “texts from…”

During his introductory press conference, Drake said that he counts Demar Derozan and Rudy Gay amongst his friends. He also has an office right next to Masai Ujiri and Tim Leiweke. This got me thinking; could the following scenarios actually take place?

[Drake walks into Ujiri’s office]

Drake: Hey Ujiji (like Kijiji).

Ujiri: Hey Audrey.

D: Yo! Don’t call me that, Ujiji!

U: Well, stop calling me Ujiji.

D: Ugh. You’re the worst. I need to talk to you about the new logo.

U: I’m a little busy right now with real basketball things. I’m on the phone with the Knicks. I offered them Aaron Gray and Leo Rautins for Iman Shumpert, Tyson Chandler and Mike Breen.

[phone rings]

U: Hold on. I gotta take this. Hello?

Ghost of Isiah Thomas: Hey Ujiji.

U: Why is everyone calling me that?

Ghost: Drake sent a memo around the league saying that’s what you’d like to be called.

[cut to Drake giggling]

U: Alright whatever. What do you think of my offer?

Ghost: Counter-proposal; I’ll give you Carmelo Anthony and all of the draft picks in the next decade if you give me Rudy Gay and Demar Derozan.

U: Sounds like we h-

D: NO! You can’t trade Demar and Rudy! They my boys!

U: …what?

D: Seriously man, you can’t do this.

U: I’m the general manager! I can do what I want. I’m pulling the trigger.


[Tim Leiweke rushes into Masai’s office sporting his goofy grin]

Leiweke: What is it, Aubrey?

D: YO! Y’all gots to stop calling me that. You’re hurting my feelings :(

T: Whatever. What do you want? I’m busy bribing Adam Silver to give us the first pick so we can draft Andrew Wiggins doing legitimately not shady business things.

U: I’ve got a deal that would make us into a championship contender.

D: Nah! He’s going to trade away Gay and Demar! They my boys! I’m quitting if he makes the deal.

T: Actually? …Fine. Don’t make the deal, Ujiji.

U: You can’t be serious.

T: I’m always serious. Look at this face. How could I NOT be serious? You’re not making that deal.

U: …I hate this job.

[Ujiri’s phone rings]

U: Hello?

[Dwane Casey on speakerphone]

Casey: Hey Ujiji. Just calling to let you know that Jonas will be in the line-up tonight despite his ankle problems. He says he’s good to go so I’m playing him, but only for the first 2 minutes. Then I’m going to give a bunch of minutes to Aaron Gray because he’s better at “pounding the rock”.

U: Yeah, that soun-

D: Nah! You can’t start him.

C: Why?

DA broken ankle aint nothin’ to be played with. PSYCH!

U, C: …I hate this job

[Drake is loudly repeating “started from the bottom now we here” ]

U: Hey Drake! Are you singing that because I built the team into a contender using my super ninja GM skills?

D: Nah. I’m singing that because of this [turns his computer monitor towards Ujiri]. I was killing Lil Wayne it in this round of Tetris Battle but then I messed up and dropped an Z block on where I was setting up for an I.

U: …what?

D: You know? Started from the bottom now we here…at the top of the screen. I’m going to lose.

U: Aren’t you supposed to be working on the new Raptors jersey or something?

D: Nah man. I’m already done. You wanna see it?

U: Sure

U: …what?

D: Yo, this is the new trend! You know how everyone is wearing sleeved jerseys now? Well, I’m taking even farther. Full sleeves with buttons and a collar.

U: Please tell me this is a joke.

D: Nah man, Amir Johnson has already bought two stores worth of these shirts and he was just handing them out to random people on the street.

U: …why?

D: He does that for everything I make. He’s really supportive, you know?

U: Because nobody else will buy the things you make?

D: 🙁

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