The Raptors are slated to go 23-18 in the first half of the season.
It’s yet another slow week in Raptors land as we wait for the season — or anything for that matter — to start. And as hopes begins to bubble on a pivotal campaign for our beloved Dinos, eyes and hearts remain fixed on the future.
Namely, how will the Raptors perform? After shuffling half the team and adding some significant pieces to the roster, will the Raptors better their woeful defense? Can the offense sustain its sparking efficiency? At the very least, can we expect some development from the Raptors’ young players?
Those are all worthy questions and they deserve great pondering and detailed analysis. But the bottom line is wins and losses. How many games will the Raptors win next season?
Well, here’s a painstaking game-by-game prediction for all 82 contents on the Raptors’ calendar.
Oct. 28 Pacers 87 – Raptors 96 (1-0)
It’s a brand new season and the Raptors play host to the Pacers in front of a late-arriving ACC crowd in the home opener. Fans go crazy as Lowry and DeRozan’s names are sung by Herbie Kuhn. Conversely, head coach Dwane Casey is greeted with a polite smattering of handclaps.
Onto the game itself. The Raptors jump ahead early as the Pacers struggle to run their new sets. Monta Ellis refuses to pass the ball and Paul George is thoroughly confused by the power forward position. George Hill catches fire from deep, but the Raptors eventually pull away, with Valanciunas having his way on the interior against Lavoy Allen.
Oct. 30 Raptors 99 – Celtics 97 (2-0)
Those damn Celtics throw a serious scare into the Raptors. Isaiah Thomas throws up 25 points in 28 minutes off the bench while Amir Johnson puts on a masterclass in pick-and-roll finishing around a bewildered Valanciunas. Still, with the game coming down to the wire, DeRozan outduels Evan Turner as the Raptors pull away with a squeaker.
Nov. 1 Bucks 93 – Raptors 88 (2-1)
Remember how DeRozan struggles with long-limbed defenders? Here comes Giannis Antetokounmpo and Khris Middleton. DeRozan is smothered and tries to compensate with his new-fangled 3-point shot (v. 5.0., a new one every summer!) which draws nothing but iron. Lowry tries to take over instead, but he’s flustered, too, by the presence of John Henson at the basket.
In a cruel twist of fate, Greivis Vasquez hits a dagger three with a minute left to put the Bucks up 7. He immediate turns to the ACC crowd and shimmies, which allows Cory Joseph to slip right by him on a drive to the basket. No worries, though, as Henson recovers in time to swallow Joseph’s floater attempt.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a80La97Kneo
Nov. 3 Raptors 108 – Mavericks 100 (3-1)
Who’s ready for Dirk vs. Scola in a battle of super old international fours? Anyone? No?
Well anyway, the Mavs are mess. Samuel Dalembert is the only center in the league slower than Dirk and it’s a layup line to the hoop. Joseph drops 20 points on 8-of-14 shooting while Lowry gets an early breather.
Nov. 6 Raptors 105 – Magic 87 (4-1)
Sorry Magic fans. The team isn’t ready yet. There’s plenty of talent on the roster, but what did they really do this offseason other than to add Mario “One more hit and I can” Hezonja? Tobias Harris struggles from the floor as he’s checked by Carroll while Valanciunas bullies Vucci Mane on the low block.
Nov. 8 Raptors 89 – Heat 113 (4-2)
The Florida two-step is never easy, and with the Raptors having spent the night in Miami on a Saturday, the Raptors aren’t quite ready for the Heat. Hassan Whiteside puts Valanciunas in foul trouble while Chris Bosh obliterates the Raptors’ hilariously thin depth at power forward.
It’s a blowout, and to make matters worse, Gerald Green dunks on Bruno Caboclo in garbage time which sends little Bruno to the DL with a badly bruised ego.
Nov. 10 Knicks 99 – Raptors 96 (4-3)
Panic spreads like pee in a kids’ pool party, as the Raptors drop an embarrassing contest to the Knicks. Try as he might, Carroll can’t stop Carmelo Anthony when he’s on his A-game. ‘Melo goes off for 40 points while wearing a very thick headband.
The next day the headlines read: “Carroll getting a stop? More like Carroll’s a colossal flop” (AMIRITE??? PLEASE KEEP OUR ADVERTISING BASE HAPPY. *Sunshine Girl on pgs. 1 through 46*)
Nov. 11 Raptors 100 – Sixers 0 (5-3)
Meek MiLLLLLLLLLLLLL takes another L. His career went 100 to 0 real quick. Joel Embiid leads all scorers with 32 thirsty tweets aimed at Bad Gal RiRi.
Nov. 13 Pelicans 108 – Raptors 95 (5-4)
The Raptors weren’t ready for Anthony Davis. Nobody is. He’s like Omar from the Wire. He’s got a shotgun and the Raptors’ bigs…well they got into foul trouble. This game was over before it even started.
Nov. 15 Raptors 97 – Kings 93 (6-4)
The Kings stay the Kings, as in they continue to be terrible. DeMarcus Cousins serves a 3-game suspension for snatching George Karl’s whiteboard during a timeout and drawing an emoji of a snake. Rudy Gay and Rajon Rondo, predictably, can’t get it done for the Kings.
The next day, a thirty Raptors blogger named Trill Woo (no relation) writes a piece pondering the idea of a Ross-for-McLemore trade that seems crazy at first, but it’s the effing Kings.
Nov. 17 Raptors 80 – Warriors 106 (6-5)
Steph Curry scores 26 in the first half. Bruno returns from injury but refuses to play for fear of getting banged on by Shaun Livingston. Instead, Bebe Nogueira takes his place and gets banged on by Festus Ezeli. What a good friend, that Bebe.
Nov. 18 Raptors 91 – Jazz 87 (7-5)
Playing in Salt Lake City on the second night of a back-to-back is never easy. But Valanciunas shows out and pushes Rudy Gobert on the block as he drops 20 points, 11 rebounds and two blocks to stoke the raging passions of Valanciunas’s ardent fanboys.
After the game, Sam Holako gives Valanciunas a grade of A- in the quick react and RR burns to the ground. It’s been a lovely seven years, everyone.
Nov. 20 Raptors 113 – Lakers 89 (8-5)
Wouldn’t you know it? Kobe’s injured once more. A sprained knee keeps him out for a month. Stepping up in his place are Swaggy P and Lou Williams, who literally spend the first 15 seconds of each possession playing Rock Paper Scissors to decide who’s gonna jack up a fadeaway 3.
Meanwhile, Roy Hibbert demands a trade. But no one hears his cries.
Nov. 22 Raptors 108 – Clippers 112 (8-6)
It’s a close game as the Raptors always inexplicably play the Clippers tight. Early foul trouble for Valanciunas pushes Casey to pit James Johnson on Blake Griffin. He manages to slow him down, but FUCKING PAUL PIERCE DOES IT AGAIN.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zovkvrLin0
Nov. 25 Cavaliers 100 – Raptors 94 (8-7)
The Raptors finally return home from their West Coast swing and are greeted by LeBron James and company. Greaaaaaat.
Still, it’s a career night for DeRozan, who does his best LeBron impression and tosses in a 30-10-7 game. Meanwhile, Luis Scola leads all bench scorers with 17 points, most of which coming in the post against Tristan Thompson, leaving Cavaliers fans to wonder “did we really spend $90 million on a hustle guy?”
Still, it’s LeBron and the King stays the King. James scores 26 and drops 13 dimes while Kevin Love scores 30.
Nov. 28 Raptors 96 – Wizards 94 OT (9-7)
Time for a grudge match! The Raptors get their first crack at the Wizards following their playoff humiliation and what unfolds is one of the best games of the season.
Lowry vs. Wall. DeRozan vs. Beal. Valanciunas’s beard vs. Gortat’s beard. It’s all happening.
The difference-maker is Carroll, who goes 5-of-5 from deep, including the go-ahead triple with nine seconds to go on Lowry’s drive-and-kick. Matt Devlin goes berserk and through sheer habit, blurts out DEMARRE CARROLL HASHTAG NBA BALLOT! much to the great surprise of Jack Armstrong, who chimes in with a word of reason.
Nov. 29 Suns 99 – Raptors 105 (10-7)
The Suns’ season is loudly imploding around the sulking figure of Markieff Morris. Things are getting out of hand. In the first half, Markieff tries to check in for the Raptors but he copped an old uni (Raps are wearing the OVO alts that day) and is immediately stopped. Then, in the second half, a frustrated Markieff brings out a framed picture of him with his twin brother Marcus, while he inserts pin after pin into a Lon Babby-shaped voodoo doll.
Dec. 02 Raptors 97 – Hawks 98 (10-8)
Carroll is greeted with a warm round of applause by a throng of classy Hawks fans. The love for Carroll is apparent in ATL. Before tip-off, the Hawks show a montage of Carroll’s time in Atlanta and he receives a warm round of hugs from his former teammates.
Then, things get a bit weird.
The affection doesn’t stop. 2 Chainz gives Carroll one of his two chains. Ilya Kovalchuk returns from Russia to hand Carroll a signed Thrashers sweater. Ludacris offers Carroll one of his two massive fist props from the “Get Back” video. Tip-off is delayed by 24 minutes.
Dec. 3 Nuggets 78 – Raptors 99 (11-8)
The Raptors aren’t messing around. They know that every loss for Denver and New York improves their draft pick. After the loss to the Knicks, Masai Ujiri signs himself to a 10-day contract and takes Ross’s spot in the rotation to ensure the win.
Dec. 05 Warriors 120 – Raptors 97 (11-9)
The upside is that we’re done with the Warriors for the season.
Dec. 07 Lakers 90 – Raptors 104 (12-9)
Kobe is back! The early 2000s are not.
Dec. 09 Spurs 99 – Raptors 93 (12-10)
The game is much more lopsided than the score would suggest. San Antonio races to an early 10 point lead and hold it throughout the game. Still, the Raptors make a desperate fourth quarter surge, led by DeRozan, and make it respectable before LaMarcus Aldridge shuts the door with three-straight jumpers down the stretch.
After the game, Joseph returns to the locker room to find a bottle of Pinot Noir in his locker, along with a signed note from Popovich:
Another toast to 2014. I’m proud of you.
Dec. 11 Bucks 89 – Raptors 93 (13-10)
It’s time for revenge. Lowry explodes for a 34-10-13 performance as he lays waste to the Bucks defense. Meanwhile, the Raptors throw more salt on Vasquez’s grave by handing out free first-round picks as a giveaway. They borrowed a page from the Bucks’ page on that one.
Dec. 13 Sixers 87 – Raptors 99 (14-10)
It’s not particularly close. Bruno and Bebe get some run while Norman Powell fills in admirably for a rested DeRozan.
After the game, a tank-happy fan argues in favor of a Lowry-for-Embiid trade while swearing his life away (4-year contract, nothing guaranteed) to Sam Hinkie.
Dec. 14 Raptors 90 – Pacers 93 (14-11)
Paul George finds his stride and the Pacers finally admit defeat and trade for a legitimate power forward in Taj Gibson. Together, they put the clamps on the Raps’ offense and grinds out a win, 2013-style.
Dec. 17 Raptors 107 – Hornets 98 (15-11)
Michael Jordan’s latest attempt at building a team is, once again, not working. Adding shooters was a nice touch — they really could use somebody not named Marvin Williams — but the problem remains the same. Walker and Jefferson are not good enough to feature as the main pieces on a decent playoff team.
But hey, at least they dumped a very promising prospect in Noah Vonleh for a rental of Nic Batum. That was smart. (Bring him home next summer, Masai!)
Dec. 18 Raptors 100 – Heat 97 (16-11)
It’s been a month and a half since the season started, which means that the Heat’s aging core is due for an injury. With Wade out with a pulled hammy, the Heat are short on depth on the wing. That gives the Raptors’ perimeter players free reign to exploit their defense.
Dec. 20 Kings 99 – Raptors 108 (17-11)
Look, the real problem with this Kings squad isn’t talent. It’s fit. You can’t just throw everything out the window and bet on talent to win out. With a franchise player like Cousins in the middle, they should look to surround him with defensively solid wings who can shoot. It’s a tried and true strategy with dominant bigs.
The other problem is defense. Who is their stopper? Cousins is nice, but he gets disengaged rather quickly. Gay can defend his position. Rondo is alright. Past that, they don’t have much. They certainly don’t have a defense-first coach, either.
Dec. 22 Mavericks 108 – Raptors 100 (17-12)
After rushing back too early from injury, Wes Matthews finally finds his stride with the Mavericks. As does JaVale McGee, who inexplicably turns his career around under the guidance of Rick Carlisle. When the they’re functional, the Mavericks’ offense is deadly. The Raptors try to slow them down, but Dirk Nowitzki’s outside shooting lulls the Raptors into playing smallball without Valanciunas, and thus rebounding becomes a problem. It’s a story we’ve seen many times over.
Dec. 26 Raptors 91 – Bucks 93 (OT) (17-13)
Massive snowstorms paralyze American air travel. The only Raptors who could make it to Wisconsin were a festive group of Raptors 905 kids who spent Christmas partying with Jonas in Wasaga. They somehow push the Bucks to overtime but Jabari Parker scores a career-high 35 points, including 14 in overtime, as he thoroughly demolishes a teary-eyed Bruno, who was utterly spent after 47 laborious minutes.
Dec. 28 Raptors 115 – Bulls 106 (18-13)
Taylor Swift is touring in Chicago and Jimmy Butler — a massive Swiftie — is conspicuously “sick.” Without Butler’s stifling defense, DeRozan unleashes a 40-point performance.
Dec. 30 Wizards 89 – Raptors 94 (19-13)
Bradley Beal is out with another injury. Alan Anderson drops 22 points in his place (on 8-of-25 shooting, naturally) but it’s not enough. After the game, Anderson and Casey share a warm embrace as John Salmons looks on, his eyes filled with spite and sorrow.
Jan. 01 Hornets 92 – Raptors 91 (19-14)
Somehow, someway, the Hornets always manage to play spoiler against the Raptors on the road. I’ve seen it happen twice in person. In 2014, Walker hit a fadeaway at the buzzer. Then, last season, Gerald Henderson magically morphed into Michael Jordan as the Raps lost by eight.
This time around, it’s relatively unknown guard Jeremy Lamb who catches fire. He scores 32 points, including nine 3-pointers, as the Raptors lose at the buzzer on an Al Jefferson putback. (Did Casey take out Jonas to go small on the final defensive possession? You bet.)
Jan. 03 Bulls 100 – Raptors 87 (19-15)
T-Swift is gone. Butler is back. DeRozan shoots 3-of-20 from the field. It’s a miserable game all around.
Jan. 04 Raptors 106 – Cavaliers 99 (20-15)
LeBron decides to take another midseason vacation. This time, James takes off an entire month to shoot “Trainwreck 2” which gives him another opportunity to bust out the Rogaine. Who are you fooling, LeBron?
Stop it, LeBron. https://t.co/LttWjkVS0s
— William Lou (@william_lou) June 12, 2015
Meanwhile, Irving and Love try their best to keep the team afloat, but the Cavaliers can’t stop the Raptors’ two point guard lineup with Joseph and Lowry. They combine for 50 points in the Raptors’ best win of the season to date.
Jan. 06 Raptors 108 – Nets 112 (2OT) (20-16)
I’d love to say that the Nets actually won this fair and square, but it’s readily apparent that Mikhail Prokhorov bribed several members of the Raptors to throw the game. How else can you explain Lowry and DeRozan both “accidentally” boarding the wrong flight and “accidentally” ending up at Mikhail’s sex cabin in the Alps?
Aside: Shoutout to Page Six for publishing the phrase “a phalanx of beautiful women.”
Jan. 08 Raptors 88 – Wizards 104 (20-17)
Times are rough in Raptorsland. Lowry catches an elbow from Marcin Gortat and exits in the first quarter. With Lowry gone, a distraught Raptors club quickly folds against their bitter rivals.
Jan. 09 Raptors 120 – 98 (21-17)
No worries, though. Lowry is diagnosed with nothing more than a sprained neck. He sits out against the Sixers and it’s the Sixers, so of course the Raptors win this one.
After the game, Ryan Wolstat of the Sun praises Canadian guard Nik Stauskas on a “stellar” 3-of-9 shooting performance.
Jan. 14 Raptors 105 – Magic 88 (22-17)
Lowry misses a second-straight game, but no matter, as Valanciunas explodes for a career-high 38 points (in three quarters of course; no time for the fourth). The Raptors easily blow out the Magic and Norman Powell shines in garbage time. The RR crowd goes nuts in the comment section of the quick react, as the top-voted comment is a suggestion to replace “average” DeRozan with “future superstar” Powell.
Jan. 20 Celtics 100 – Raptors 104 (23-17)
It’s the return of Amir Johnson! The ACC goes fucking nuts when he checks in with 5:47 left in the first quarter. A teary-eyed Johnson stops to acknowledge the crowd. Drake greets “Tall Money” with a hug as he checks in.
:’)
(I really hope this happens. Don’t let me down, ACC faithful.)
Jan. 22 Heat 107 – Raptors 102 (23-18)
Rookie Justise Winslow draws the start for an injured Wade (yes, again). Winslow stuffs the boxscore, scoring 22 points, grabbing 10 rebounds and three steals as the Heat put away the Raptors to rise into second in the East.
After the game, a self-satisfied Blake Murphy tweets:
Too many Urkels on your team, that’s why your Winslow.
Check back Friday for Part 2. Maybe. As you could probably tell, I’m running out of jokes.
