10 Tips for Getting Raptors Playoff Tickets

Assuming you don't have a ton of money, here are some tips.

The Toronto Raptors embark on their fourth consecutive playoff journey this weekend and as sure as the sun will rise on an awkward Game 1 game day tweet from the Mayor, so too will it shine light on scalpers trying to sell you nosebleed seats for $1,000. To help you avoid that encounter, we’ve put together a guide of some tricks we’ve learned over the years to get you to the games with your savings intact.

1. Befriend a Raptor
You need to narrow it down to plausibility and also factor in your potential target/new best friend’s naiveté and/or desperation. Automatically count out anyone in the starting rotations. His freckles might make him look especially approachable but believe me, P.J. Tucker has no time or tickets for you. Based on how sad he’s looked on the bench, Bruno Cabocio is a strong option, as is the least evil of all Singlers, E.J. You could probably get in his good books by trash talking his arguably more talented brothers (don’t say that). And why not Goodluck Okonoboh? Speaking from a strictly first name basis based strictly upon his first name, he might be your best bet!

2. Begin an elaborate career in grifting
StubHub right now has tickets going for $400, and that price is assuredly going to jump a hundred every day until Game 1, then double with rising bandwagon furor and ultimately triple when local top dog of the posedog pound, Norm Kelly, appropriates the narrative for his own self-promotion—it’s all very basic math. A cursory search in ancient swindles and bamboozles reveals that tricking people into thinking you are royalty, like an emperor, seems especially sure-fire. Maybe jewel-heisting? Rum running?

3. Know someone rich
If this seems so obvious then tell me, why don’t you already have playoff tickets hmm?

4. Know someone with playoff tickets
This is basically #3

5. Sell your house in Toronto, Hamilton, even Oshawa at this point and in this real-estate climate
Also basically #3

6. Aggressively enter contests
I am talking every contest that crops up offering, however dubiously, playoff tickets. Newspapers, sports radio, harassing the MLSE with a creative letter writing campaign wherein you send an elaborately decorated raffle box filled with 100 pieces of torn up paper with your full name and phone number on each, local restaurants with no known ties to sports trying to drum up business (looking at you, Sneaky Dee’s), harassing the MLSE by sending a basketball filled with 1,000 grains of rice with your name and phone number etched into each (include magnifying glass, amateur). Suggest to your boss that a contest for playoff tickets is a great way to boost morale and get Tim to start pulling his goddamn weight in presentations, volunteer to store the tickets then claim there was a break-in and they were stolen but aren’t you all so lucky nothing else was taken? Years of valuable, confidential records, all still accounted for—thank god.

7. Utilize your child
Do you have a child with decent coordination and a passable sense of rhythm? Dress them up in baby active wear and show up flustered at fan services, asking where the Lil Ballas warm-up is taking place, please! You were called at the last minute because another baby tore their MCL attempting an ill-timed front roll and this baby, your baby, is the backup baby. Make sure to wet your face and hair a little to impress your sense of sweaty urgency. It’s ok to borrow a baby you know (with permission) for this.

8. Pretend you are the new bouncer at Sher Club
We have all seen those bored looking guys standing outside of Drake’s club. Are they out late on a school night? Somebody in upper management’s shitty nephew? Just keep saying “exclusive party experience” and I’m sure you’ll be fine.

9. Get the inflatable mini bobble head looking Toronto Raptor mascot to eat you
Seems foolproof and looks very comfortable, even.

10. Wait around after a Leafs game
I have my own hiding spots staked out so I’m not going to share those here, but bring enough provisions for a few days, foraging the rest of what you need to stay alive from The Dog House and MacCheesy’s (we can do a designated call like an owl hooting or the subway chimes and meet for a midnight raid, if you like). It’s not going to be pretty, like you’re going to be pretty filthy by the time Game 1 rolls around and your loved ones may not recognize or respect you ever again, but it will be worth it. See you there!

Bonus Tip: If all else fails you might as well sign up to an online casino and go for a big jackpot or play some high stakes table games. Pretend you are James Bond and play some Baccarat. After all, he always wins big in the movies so why can’t you right? If you want your best chance to win though, you better read up on the best ways to win and get some free spins or bonus money to play with to help your chances to see all the Raptors playoff games.

@wtevs