Filling in for A-Dub who will be back with the post-game.
 | Amir Johnson, PF 39 MIN | 2-4 FG | 2-2 FT | 5 REB | 2 AST | 2 STL | 2 BLK | 0 TO | 6 PTS | +19 Big boss man going up against Nene. Big minutes and foul trouble almost got the better of him, but didn’t bring him down. Brought the required defense, including a block in the fourth quarter. |  |
 | Rudy Gay, SF 37 MIN | 10-25 FG | 1-1 FT | 8 REB | 1 AST | 3 STL | 0 BLK | 5 TO | 24 PTS | -1 Volume shooter? Sure. Hands on his knees on D? Sure. Swagger? Hell yes. Good thing the Wizards are bad enough to give Rudy and the Raptors a high margin of error. Got into a shouting match with a rapper I never heard off but who has more than 2M followers. This world is gone to shits. |  |
 | Jonas Valanciunas, C 21 MIN | 2-2 FG | 3-4 FT | 8 REB | 1 AST | 0 STL | 1 BLK | 1 TO | 7 PTS | -4 Nom nom nom nom. That’s him gobbling up rebounds and then puking all over Nene. |  |
 | Kyle Lowry, PG 32 MIN | 3-6 FG | 4-4 FT | 6 REB | 10 AST | 1 STL | 0 BLK | 4 TO | 11 PTS | +12 Every time he dribbles the ball a baby dies. Every time he picks up his dribble an angel loses its virginity to the devil. I saw his passes coming from a mile away and every time I went, “Noooooooo!!!!” | |
 | DeMar DeRozan, SG 37 MIN | 9-18 FG | 6-7 FT | 3 REB | 3 AST | 3 STL | 0 BLK | 4 TO | 24 PTS | +19 Pretty solid game for a guy who looked like he was carrying a piano on his back the whole time. Several moments of WTF on offense and defense, but somehow the best player on the night. |  |
 | Aaron Gray, C 5 MIN | 0-0 FG | 0-0 FT | 2 REB | 0 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 1 TO | 0 PTS | -5 He came, he saw, he said “f**k it, I’m going back to the bench”. | |
 | Andrea Bargnani, C 26 MIN | 4-7 FG | 0-0 FT | 4 REB | 1 AST | 1 STL | 1 BLK | 1 TO | 9 PTS | -4 Andrea “Microwave” Bargnani. Came in, heated up some primo and sat back down. Just joking, AB fans. He supplied efficient offense off the bench and get this…fought for rebounds!! This means he’ll be going 0-9 with 0 rebounds in his next game…when he’s on the Bulls. | |
 | John Lucas, PG 16 MIN | 4-7 FG | 0-0 FT | 1 REB | 1 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 0 TO | 10 PTS | -4 If you count his dead-ball threes, he went 8-9 from downtown. | |
 | Alan Anderson, SG 24 MIN | 1-9 FG | 2-2 FT | 5 REB | 1 AST | 0 STL | 1 BLK | 0 TO | 5 PTS | +7 He’s clearly color-blind and everything looks like a green light. |  |
 | Terrence Ross, SG 3 MIN | 0-0 FG | 0-0 FT | 0 REB | 0 AST | 0 STL | 0 BLK | 0 TO | 0 PTS | +1 You’d think winning the dunk-off might’ve bought him some playing time, especially against Beal. Word has it Obama was watching this game just for Ross to get in. Disappointed that it didn’t happen, he called a drone strike on Casey. | |
