13-10, and introducing “Introducing…”

Didn’t watch the game when I got home last night for two reasons:

1. I was too busy ravenously stuffing crackers into my mouth and unknowingly creating enough crumbs on the couch to feed a Ugandan village*. Makes villagers happy, girlfriend irritated.

* I hear they really like crumbs!

2. I spent half the night huddled around a Blackberry with an assorted bunch of fellow Raptor enthusiasts, pressing refresh every thirty seconds. (DiNote: I don’t recommend watching Raptors games this way.)

Anyway, they won. Served The Big Weinerschnitzel his just desserts. Three in a row, two against + .500 squads, isn’t nearly as surprising as the fact that this win streak is fueled by Kris Humphries. If you’re not a Raptors fan or a homosexual with a tall-man fetish, right now you’re saying ‘Who?’, and with good reason. Allow me to make the introduction.

Why make the introduction, you ask? (trust me, you did)

What if I told you Humphries had a fan page that looks like this. Exactly how full of shit would you think I was? There’s not enough peyote in the world to make someone that Humph obsessed. Make sure you got them speakers on for the rockin’ soundtrack. To summarize, I can’t believe that there’s someone willing to put this much effort into Kris Humphries, for god’s sake….

But here I am, about to do the same thing.

Introducing: Kris Humphries

Birthplace: Chaska, Minnesota. (Home of Kris Humphries!!)

Below is the picture that comes up when you Google Image Search:

Nickname(s): Humph, The Ill Humphatic, The Big Sexy

Strengths: Rebounding, hustling, ‘exploding’, being handsome, Yahtzee, holding his breath underwater.

Weaknesses: Shooting, laying the ball in, dunking, dribbling, and sourdough Timbits.

Parents: Debra and William, or collegiate athletes who never went any further. Wonder if they rode Kris hard as a kid to practice, to excel, to not close his pathetic little eyelids until he rules the grade 6 Northern Minnesota basketball universe.

College: Minnesota (aka. the ‘sour cream’ of Universities). Chose it over Duke. Kris is a homebody at heart.

Collegiate Mascot: The Gopher, named “Goldy”

Tee hee!

Collegiate Stats: Averaged 24ppg. 11rpg as a freshman. Dominated the Big Ten in both categories.

Obligatory Oscure Side-Stat: No freshman had led the Big Ten in both cats since 1959.

Wierdest term I came across while researching for this piece: “ex-frontcourt-mates-to-be”

Obscure Accolades: Gatorade Circle Of Champions Minnesota Player Of The Year (Runner up: metro(thexual?) Player Of The Year)*

Favorite Website: Rivals.com, who gave him honorable mention All-America status (along with the Associated Press) and likely elevated him to first round status.

*First ever bracket-within-bracket usage of this blog. Is it sad that I consider this a major breakthrough?

Drafted: 14th overall by Utah. Poor guy. Can you imagine being a guy who grew up his whole life in Minnesota and gets drafted by UTAH. Maybe he’ll retire to Idaho and complete the Milquetoast State Tour.

Greatest Accomplishment (in my opinion): He’s an Olympian. Kris was third leading scorer on the USA Basketball World Junior Team that went 4-1 in 2002, behind only ‘Melo and The Big Twisty.

Meet The Big Twisty, the Raptor who spells Chris correctly.

Obligatory Athlete Philanthropic Organization: The KH Foundation. (Donate today! Don’t Delay! Okay?)

Favorite Sexual Position: On top, baby. Often, and loud. The paint ain’t the only p-word Kris is pounding. Just check out that rugged jawline. It’s okay to look. He won’t bite y’all….unless ya ask him. Oh, silly Humph.

Look! Lookit how he bites his lip! He’s even got a playful side, sigh…

Obligatory Basketball Youth Camp: In June and July, held in places with weird names like Crosstown, Savage, Lakeville, and Chanhassen. What’s up with that, Minnesota? (I bet Kirby Pucket lived in Crosstown. Or Savage.) I wonder how he teaches this without a gigantic Asian man?