*Not actually presented by Bell
Yes, it’s the sequel to a random satire column I wrote nearly two years ago. Because #content, you guys.
Narrator: As the Toronto Raptors continue their strong season with a surge toward the All-Star break, the team’s work never stops. Practices are getting more and more intense. Now, we bring you the inner workings of the Raptors, as the Atlantic Division leaders head to practice at the ACC.
This is… Open Gym.
Fade up. Coach Casey lets the Raptors into the gym.
Casey: Alright, guys, let’s get to work. Kyle, DeMar, Greivis, Amir, Jonas, with me. Terrence, Patrick, Tyler, Lou, Landry, Chuck, Greg, and the rooks with Tom.
Tom Sterner: (stares directly into camera) INTENSITY! INTENSITY! INTENSE…. (faints)
Casey: …Alright, with Nick, then.
James Johnson: Hey, coach, what about me?
Casey: …Who are you again?
Johnson: Coach, it’s me, James Johnson. I’m, like, one of your five best players. I ended Andre Drummond’s life a month ago. I’M THE GUY WHO GUARDS LEBRON.
Casey: John Salmons? No, get out of here, silly. You got traded. Silly.
Johnson: (sighs) Whatever.
Johnson sits beside Chuck Hayes, who has ignored the instruction and is eating a sandwich.
Casey walks over to the Raptor starters.
Casey: Alright, guys, let’s work on our inbound sets.
Silence and bewilderment from the starters. Then everyone, including Casey, bursts out laughing.
Casey: Almost had you guys, there.
We head to the other side of the gym. Terrence Ross is looking longingly over at the starters. Tyler Hansbrough is screaming and flailing punches every which way. Terrence glances over.
Ross: Tyler, I told you. There’s no such thing as a Super Saiyan in real life.
Hansbrough: HAAAAAA!!!!! HAAAAAAA!!!!!!! HAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
Ross shakes his head, then heads over to another hoop, where Lou Williams is playing one on one with Landry Fields. As he approaches, Fields commits an embarrassing foul, leading to a 3-point play.
Ross: Lou, I don’t get it. I can never get to the line. What’s your secret?
Williams: Well, young buck, I’ll show you. All you have to do is… this.
Williams grabs the ball and doesn’t appear to move. Seemingly at random, Landry Fields jumps at him and commits a foul.
Fields: Damn it!
Williams: Like that.
Ross: I don’t understand, Lou, I don’t see it. Can you do it again?
Williams: Aight. Watch closely.
Lou gives an almost imperceivable shoulder shrug. Out of nowhere, Greg Stiemsma sprints across the court and hammers Williams, knocking him to the floor.
Stiemsma: (Laughing) Every time, Lou! You old so and so.
Ross: (to himself) …You know, maybe just being “the guy who won a dunk contest and had a 50 point game” isn’t so bad. The NBA is weird.
We slowly pan back to the starters, past the broadcast booth, where the team is sitting. Matt Devlin is barely noticeable as he lies behind the booth, with his head peeking out. He appears to be wearing a straight jacket and shifting from side to side.
Devlin: KYLE LOWRY HASHTAG NBA BALLOT KYLE LOWRY HASHTAG NBA BALLOT KYLE LOWRY…
Jack Armstrong: Great point, Matty D! EM-GEE-DEE! (takes a bite of a slice of pizza)
Leo Rautins: I have literally no idea what I’m doing.
Masai Ujiri enters the gym. He stands in the walkway, smirking, wearing a solid gold top hat.
Greivis Vasquez: Hey, Masai, why can’t we use the practice gym for this?
Masai: How many times do I have to tell you, Greivis. You guys will get it dirty. We need it pristine for 2021.
Vasquez: What’s with the hat?
Masai: I traded James Dolan for my tuna sandwich at lunch.
The camera moves from Masai and Greivis to the court, where DeMar DeRozan and Amir Johnson play two on two against Jonas Valanciunas and Kyle Lowry. Lowry loses the ball on a complicated dribble.
Lowry: Yo, man! That was a foul! You’re trying to tell me that wasn’t a foul?
Jonas: Yah! That was a foul!
DeMar and Amir look at each other and snicker.
DeMar: Man, no wonder they never get calls. They complain about EVERYTHING.
Amir: (whispering to DeMar) That’s nothing. Watch this.
While Lowry and Jonas continue to complain about the no-call, Amir sneaks up behind them and taps them both on their shoulders. They turn towards each other, enraged.
Lowry: That was a foul!
Jonas: THAT was a foul!
Lowry & Jonas, in unison: THAT WAS A FOUL!
Amir and DeMar burst out laughing.
Lowry: Man, what are you two looking at. Before I got here, you were second options to ANDREA BARGNANI.
DeMar: Now I see why they call him the babyfaced assassin.
Drake (sitting in the Drake Zone, obviously): Baby-faced assassin! (lint rolls pants)
Matt Devlin: KYLE LOWRY HASHTAG NBA BALLOT
We now head to the corner of the gym, where the two Brazilian rookies are being led by assistant coaches in torturing Patrick Patterson, who appears to be on some kind of medieval stretching rack.
Unnamed Assistant: Now, I’m going to ask you one more time. What is your name?
Patterson: (panting) …Patrick Patterson.
Assistant: (to the Brazilians) Mais. (look it up, it’s Portugese)
The Brazilians turn the rack as Patterson screams in pain.
Assistant: WHAT is your name?
Patterson: PATRICK PATTERSON!
The assistant nods, the Brazilian turns, and Patrick yells again.
Assistant: WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
Patterson: …Channing Frye.
Assistant: And don’t you forget it.
Quick cut to the other end of the court, where Tyler Hansbrough is now surrounded by a field of strange, glowing energy.
Hansbrough: HAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!
Hansbrough explodes in a ball of light. When the dust settles, he is glowing, shredded, and with flowing blonde hair. He has finally transcended the human plane. He has become a Super Saiyan.
Hansbrough grabs the ball and flies toward the rim at light speed.
He bricks the layup.
Narrator: Next time, on Raptors Open Gym: Chuck Hayes and James Johnson form a buddy cop duo.
Hayes: You know, you’re a good cop, Johnson. You just need to work on the fundamentals.
Johnson: …That guy had a gun pointed at me, and all you did was put a hand in his face.
Next time, on Open Gym.
