Kyle Lowry looks a little out of shape, everyone’s uncomfortably ignoring it. Dwane, you concerned? “Nah, he hides his muscles well *smiles nervously*”.
Jonas Valanciunas lean as hell after playing in Europe, there’s talk of a bigger role on offense. Coach, is Jonas going to get a bigger role? “The last guy to get off a potato truck doesn’t win the rodeo, and I’ve ridden some buses but that right there is a barn door”. #MakesNoSense, Next day Toronto Star headline: “Coach Casey has wise words for Valanciunas”
DeRozan’s been eating with his left foot all summer, nobody knows why but there’s talk of a wicked crossover in the arsenal. NOBODY SEEN IT. Being guarded by Norman Powell in practice and Powell cornered about it after, “Tell us Norman, have you seen this crossover?” Can only shake head and mutter expletives in way of response. Legend of crossover grows.
Terrence Ross been working on his drive game, says Carroll been mentoring him on D and shit. Fuckin’ right! First pre-season game, bright lights are on. Time to exorcise them demons. 0-8 FG. Benched in second quarter. Back to the drawing board.
Bruno Caboclo runs this town. Gets his name chanted at Dairy Queen. #MadeItInLife. Walks into movie theater. Free tickets. Strolls into Brass Rail. Upper Brass, son. DeAndre Daniels tries to tag along. Access denied.
Opening ceremony of #Raptors905. Hazel McCallion cuts the ribbon. “Where’s George Mikan at?” Not here, he long dead.
Reporter asking softball questions to Cory Joseph. “You excited about being back in Toronto?” “It’s an honor to be paid $7 million for being born in Pickering”.
Late October evening, no games. Where’s Bismack at? Nobody can find him. Driving Uber. “Yo man, I thought you in the NBA”. “For now. For now.”
Post-practice scrum. Everyone exhausted, sweating. James Johnson bone dry. “How so, James?” “Cannot get playing time in practice”. Casey, why that? “It’s a matchup thing”.
Rumor there’s a video of DeRozan’s crossover leaked on Instagram. #LeaguePassAlert! Grainy video surfaces of 20 pixels moving in the direction of 20 other pixels which form a rim if you look at it from the right angle. Crossover hype at peak levels.
Dwane Casey: “Luis Scola will be the starting PF”. Everyone scratching their head. Scola literally scratching head. Raptors.com softball interview, “Was Scola’s experience and maturity the reason you chose to start him, coach?” Casey: “There are guys who make hay with a haymaker, and there are guys who make hay with grind. We need a little bit of wind at the back and Scola’s got the lunch pail mentality of getting that dinner done quick” Next day Toronto Star headline: “Dwane Casey: Tactical Genius”
Valanciunas can now shoot threes. “He’s a modern-day Draymond Green”, says coach. Opening night. Valanciunas given 8 feet of space to shoot three. Fakes. Nobody moves. Fakes some more. Arena quiet as fuck. Takes two steps forward. Big problem, wasn’t dribbling. Turnover.
Kyle Lowry gambling on defense. RR Blogger: “He’s got to be more disciplined”. Posts screenshots of Lowry gambling. Pornhub tab visible in background. #Exposed
October 6th: Blake Murphy drops article of the century. 10,000 words, 40 GIFs, all kinds of graphs and shit. All about Ronald Roberts. October 7th: Ronald Roberts cut. October 8th: Blake Murphy: “It was worth it”.
Flashback to DeMarre Carroll, July 3rd, “Hopefully it’s not too cold up there”. Present day, October 18th: -26 with the windchill. “What the shit is this?” #WelcomeToCanada
