Toronto vs. Miami Not-So-Hot, 7pm

Oh boy oh boy oh boy! The Heat are in town! Skippity-riffic! Mark Blount and Ricky Davis and Earl Barron! It doesn’t get better than this!

What do you mean, it does? You’re not excited? Come on, get into the frame of mind! This is the NBA – Where Amazing Happens! Isn’t it amazing that the Heat are only two years removed from a championship yet are borderline unwatchable? I think so! And on cold snowy January nights like this, you’ve got to hang your hat on something! In fact, I’ve been working myself up all day and now I’m so revved that I’m going to punctuate every sentence in this post with exclaimation marks! Let me know when it gets annoying!

Time was the news of Shaq and Dwayne Wade coming to town would make both basketball fans and ghetto white froth at the mouth*! Fast foward two seasons, and I couldn’t be less hyped about this game! Wait…Chuck and Leo are calling it…yup, less hyped!

*That IS froth, right?

In fact, I’m not even going to watch it*, and you know why? Because I’ve discovered Rock Band!

If this makes me a bad blogger, so be it! Slap my wrists! Shit in my mushroom risotto! Dip my privates in batter and deep fry ’em! Just don’t accuse me of not being able to belt out a wicked “When We Were Young”!

*Until I get home from rrrrrrrrRRRRRROCKING! God bless Courtney Love and PVR.

Playing the Heat at home is really one of those no-win scenarios, like waking up after a bender beside a hot stranger, only to find your only condom still in it’s package! Either you had unprotected sex with a stranger, or you didn’t seal the deal at all!*

*Getting annoying yet? Great!

And tonight, Either the Raptors disappoint or they merely do what’s expected of them! Because let’s be honest, if we can’t defend the Heat, we might as well call the season off! 9 wins?? Way to go, fellas!

Consider this: The Heat are so bad, Alonzo Mourning completely blew out his knee just so he didn’t have to be a part of their futility! The Heat are so bad, Rafael Araujo turned THEM down! The Heat are so bad, they employ Luke Jackson! But seriously, I’m pretty sure Lebron could post a better record than 9-36 playing by himself!

So while you’re sitting on your couch wondering why Jason Williams gets paid $9 million a season (Williams, Blount, and Shaq GrandDaddy are earning a combined $37 million dollars THIS SEASON, which sickens me), I’ll be sitting with my buddies, the Weezer blaring as I stroke the skins!*

*Which means playing drums, and nothing else.

Oh, and all those concerned with Jose’s increasing minutes can breathe a bit easier today: TJ’s got a tentative return date!

Girl Talk: Dwayne Wade

I will be in the ATL for a couple of parties I wish a bitch would run up on me .I will come up out my body an, fuck one of you small time tramps up .Did you tramps know I got a new black on black Range Rover from DWYANE WADE FUCK HIS DUMB ASS WIFE AND THE REST OF SLUTS I LOVE MICHELLE S. CHICAGO

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