Full disclosure, I write this while still feeling the impact of jet-lag and one of the worst head colds I’ve had in years. I can likely be described as little more than a functional adult right now, although that too may be in question as I drink “Boiled Coke” (Coca Cola, Ginger, and Lemon…brought to a boil), as recommended to me by Kelsea O’Brien (@kelsea_lately on Twitter, who claims it is the best cure for sickness and I’m going for it).
With all of those pre-qualifications out of the way, there appears to be a greater than 50 percent chance that this will just turn into some sort of a boiled coke/illness/jet-lag hallucination where just write player’s names over and over again thinking it is some profound and scholarly article.
So let’s dive in to this adventure together…
Media Day is the official start to the NBA season, but it is a largely pointless event for all 30 teams. The players line up to answer questions in large scrums, with almost all the questions being mild alterations of one another.
“Kyle, are you aware that you have new teammates? Do you like having teammates that are new?”
“Kawhi…can you please like us? Tell us that you already love Toronto!”
Etc.
Every player has added 25lbs of muscle while also being 15lbs lighter than they were in college, and are feeling more explosive then they have in their life.
Overall, it’s a good day for optimism (unless you’re a Sacramento Kings fan…that’s just one gut punch after another) as we finally get to hear from the players and see that the season is on the horizon. And that’s why I love it. The moment that Media Day starts we at least have things to begin analyzing/discussing, even if it is clichéd or canned answers. I’m all on board.
As I sat watching through the player interviews, from Kawhi Leonard and Danny Green being introduced to Jonas Valanciunas or CJ Miles holding individual availability, I had one distinct thought:
If I could arrange a dinner with three Raptors, who would be the ideal group to eat with?
Yes, this is a random thought, but I was less than 12 hours removed from my return trip to India and the subsequent jet-lag and I couldn’t help myself. And I’m sorry to say I’ve since given this exact question far too much thought. So it’s time to do a Dinner Party Draft (of sorts).
First, the most important ground rule: Player’s Only (Baby!). Masai is the obvious answer if this dinner was open to all members of the organization. Imagine sitting down for an honest/open conversation with Masai over a good meal. Easy first overall pick, but it’s against the rules here in order to make things more complicated.
Analyzing the roster there appears to be a few distinct categories for our dinner party guests:
Miscellaneous: Delon Wright, Norman Powell, Malachi Richardson, and Lorenzo Brown
Absolutely nothing against these four players, as all of them seem like good guys. Delon is going to be a consistent contributor for this team and remains one of the best back-up point guards in the league, while Norm has helped save the Raptors in multiple playoff series.
Malachi and Lorenzo meanwhile are the deepest of bench players in Toronto, but Lorenzo is a G-League MVP and Malachi is a shooter that shoots.
Between the four there is some fun options available, but their personalities are not distinct enough to put them in any one category. Each of them have fought through adversity to get to where they are, earning any minutes that they’ve gotten through their work in the G-League, but they would be a wildcard at dinner.
Goofballs: Jonas Valanciunas, OG Anunoby, and Pascal Siakam,
A goofball could make or break dinner. They can be the entertainer and joke teller, or they can dominate the moment and ruin conversation. Valanciunas would likely bust out his Borat impression, and Siakam might ask the server “Is that item…SPIIIIICY????” about every item on the menu.
OG being labelled a Goofball might be controversial due to his quiet nature, but a man who wears crocs, dances on the beach during training camp (last year), and seemingly takes sick pleasure in satisfyingly short answers is clearly a man with a sense of humor. Besides, have you ever seen him subtlety roast his teammates on Instagram? It’s a work of art.
Storyteller Vets: Danny Green, Serge Ibaka, CJ Miles, Fred VanVleet
This is the cream of the crop. Every good dinner needs a storyteller that can help carry conversation and provide that one anecdote that you’ll remember for years to come. Miles is such a bright personality, Green has already stolen the hearts of Raptors fan in a few short months, Ibaka is a foodie that could order in multiple languages and has a history to his life, and Fred is Mr. Bet On Yourself.
Any of them would be a great addition, but too many storytellers at one party can rob the conversation of fluidity.
Crotchety Old Men: Kyle Lowry, Kawhi Leonard, and Greg Monroe
Fortune favours the brave, and picking any of these players would be a gamble. While Lowry and Kawhi are the two best players on the team they aren’t exactly known for being great conversationalists…at least publicly. And I get the same vibe from Monroe.
All of them are likely far more relatable in one-on-one conversations away from the pressure of the media routine, but you likely can only bring one Crotchety Old Man to dinner in order to have your best chance at keeping conversation going smoothly.
Ideally I’d pick one person from each category to join, but with three seats and four player groups there just isn’t enough seats available for that strategy. As much as it pains me to leave Delon and Norm off the final invite list, I’m leaving the Miscellaneous group out.
I’m also leaving out the Crotchety Old Men. If I was having a one-on-one meal both Kyle and Kawhi would be near the very top of draft board, but for a group dinner I want to go for more certainty in the conversational balance.
Final Picks: CJ Miles (top pick), Pascal Siakam, and Fred VanVleet
In my books this is the best bet for a lively dinner and a fun evening. CJ helps carry the conversation and has 13+ years of NBA experience to share (plus Lauren might join and she seems absolutely delightful), Fred can teach me how to bet on myself (a tall task), and Siakam is just enough of a wildcard personality that the night could go in almost any direction.
But the question remains: Who you got?
