Merry Christmas! Now that Covid protocols have hit the Raptors like a ton of bricks, it’s time to look at Plan B on how to utilize the assets at our disposal. If you’re not allowed to play the players you’re paying millions to play, then how else can you use them to get some eyeballs on your product? Fear not, here are some ideas for which the MLSE marketing team can thank me later.
Scottie and The Ray Allen Drill
Scottie is a content goldmine that deserves his own streaming service. Enter The Ray Allen Shooting Drill. Nothing gets your mid and long-range jumper working like this drill which sort of works like the 3-point contest except you have to hit shots from all ranges to advance to the next “rack”. A viewing of Scottie doing this drill makes for pay-per-view material and I’m shocked the Raptors haven’t clued onto ideas like these. You could even have Chris Boucher doing the same on the undercard.
Freddie and Parabolas
On the other side of the court of Scottie doing his drills will be Fred VanVleet hitting rainbows. Think of limbo but the opposite: put a horizontal bar at the FT line extending from sideline to sideline about 30 feet high off the ground, and Fred has to hit shots over it from three. Raise it by a foot every time he hits one, and let’s see how far he can get. He can’t go beyond 24 feet out. In mathematical terms we’re looking at a quadratic equation for the arc of his shot, i.e., a parabola where we measure the y-intercept to see how high he can go. I’m sure some analytics dude will make something meaningful out of this meaningless exercise. That’s basically what the entire sport of baseball is now, so if you want to make it interesting, just ask Buck Martinez.
Getting Gary Trent Jr to the FT line
In his last seven games Gary has gone to the FT line five times. This is a problem, and I reckon he’s a bit terrified of going into the paint and must face his fears head on. And I mean head on. The solution here is simple: have three punching bags swinging from side to side in front of the basket like pendulums, and Gary has to drive to the rim to finish. You could even put cameras on the bags to make viewers part of the action, and part of TSN 5G. Will Gary evade the punching bags and finish at the rim? Will the punching bags knock out Gary? Tune into twitch.tv/WatchGaryFaceHisFears to find out. A note on TSN 5G, has anyone used it? I mean, have you ever felt the need to switch camera angles mid-game to see a different view of something you just saw? I get it if you’re analyzing a foul or a challenge deeply, but other than that it seems like a use of technology entirely for the sake of it. Instead of using my 5G on replays of Isaac Bonga, I’d much rather inject them into my left arm and get instant connectivity to the Mars rover.
Malachi Overcomes Dad
I have a theory that Malachi Flynn hates his dad. In fact, I think every athlete whose dad is a vocal figure in their professional life is hated, but decorum suppresses this angst. Your dad’s mileage may vary. The goal in this particular exercise isn’t necessarily basketball related, but more about how Malachi can exorcise his dad’s demons. The only solution I can come up with is for the gym to blast out his dad shouting expletives at Malachi about how he’s failed him over and over again, up until to the point Malachi just snaps and takes an axe to the speaker. I’m not saying this will turn his season around. I’m saying it’ll turn his life around. To me, Flynn is trending on the same career path as Roko Ukic, the Horseface Killah as so appropriately dubbed by AltRaps at the time. The lack of a good backup point guard is presenting him opportunities much like it did for Ukic, the question is whether he’ll take it or be on an Aeroflot flight to Siberia.
Precious Oops
Much has been made of Precious Achiuwa not finishing alley-oops, so this is the perfect time to practice the art. Ideally you’d have a person throw him the ball but given Covid protocols, we must improvise and to save MLSE some cash so the Rogers CEO guy can pay for his caviar. You know those machines used to cannon t-shirts out at arenas? Well, they can be exapted to throw out basketballs at supersonic speeds right near where Achiuwa has to catch them and finish. If you ever wondered how to make hard hands more soft, this might be it. Or he might lose a hand or two. Either way it makes for anxious viewing. While we’re on the topic of Precious, anytime I look at him trying to play center my mind wanders to Antonio Davis. Both undersized for their position, but the latter ended up carving out a career on account of his physical strength. On more modern fronts he’s trying to replicate the success guys like Montrezl Harrell, Draymond Green or even Bam Adebayo have had. What’s the one thing those three guys can do consistently? Finish on alley oops.
