33-27

I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again: No matter how bad things get here in Toronto…at least we’re not Miami Heat fans. All the palm trees and porn stars in the world wouldn’t wash the taste of stale defeat from my mouth. I couldn’t watch these guys for 82 games without taking up hard drugs. Crackwhores look more put together than this roster.

Playing the Heat pretty much guarantees you’ll dig out of your slump, especially when they don’t put up much fight. We got to do what we wanted when we wanted to, dicing up a rancid defence with crisp ball movement and solid post play. How did we do it? I’m going to turn the floor over to hoops guru and Team Canada Coach Leo Rautins:

 “The key, Chuck, is to limit your cold streaks, and extend your hot ones”.

What knowledge! No wonder Team Canada is doomed. Leo was really spouting some head-scratchers last night. Question: Did he always have his ear peirced, or is this the second physical manifestation (tanning being the first) of his mid-life crisis? I hope he starts showing up to work in Ed Hardy t-shirts and skinny jeans.

Of those 20 turnovers by the Heat, at least 8 were passes to invisible players and in one instance, directly to an official. I guess it’s easy to mistake pinstripes for white and red jerseys. Yeesh. They’re worse than the all-girls JV team at the Helen Keller Academy. I don’t even feel bad for Dwayne Wade. Son’s already stolen a ring (you know my opinion on this) and seems to be operating under his own set of rules. There are some consistent travelers in the L, but we might as well start calling Wade “Expedia”…he’s always taking a trip. How does someone make it from the three point line across the court for a reverse layup in two steps? They don’t. It’s comical at this point.

 And I’m guessing this ISN’T what Shawn Marion, was looking for when he asked to be ‘The Man’. At least now he’s being appreciated…for having the worst record in the NBA. What’s the over/under on phone calls made from Marion to Kerr in the last three weeks, begging for forgiveness? I’m going with 6.5. 

Leo Rautins, in all his infinite wisdom, had this to say about Marion: 

“Shawn Marion is one of the premiere offensive players in the entire league, Chuck.”

Uh, not by a long shot. Unless ‘premiere offensive player’ means ‘athletic defender with a nose for the ball’. Marion’s a lot of things, but I assume you have to be able to actually create your own shot to be considered in the same breath as Kobe, Lebron, Carmelo, and Iverson. Even Shawnette Marion has to agree with that.

Who had money on Rasho and Marcus Banks leading the way? In other news, cats have officially called a truce with dogs, all currency has been abolished in favor of the barter system, and Nazi’s have finally acknowledged the Holocaust.

Moon had an energetic game on both ends of the court, getting into the paint and SURPRISE! getting points. I think Jamario’s done shooting three’s, yes? His defence was definitely there last night, winning the Long Gangly Wingman battle by holding Shawn Marion to 5 points while Mooon grabbed 4 steals and 3 blocks of his own. Says Leo:

“Once Jamario gets the ‘team concept’, he’ll be an outstanding NBA player.”

I’m sorry Leo, is this the first team Jamario’s ever played on? I didn’t realise that the USBL didn’t have playbooks or coaches. If he’s not grasped this ‘team concept’ you speak of by now…isn’t it a little late? 

Let’s talk about the hit on Andrea Kwamehands for a second. He was having a great game before that elbow to the head by Alexander Johnson knocked him to the ground. That bodycheck is as vicious as anything I’ve seen in the league this year. A team down by twenty sending a thug out to make a statement is pure Pat Riley, that greasy slimeball. I don’t care how old and wrinkled and irrelevant and dated he is, he’s a schmuck regardless. It looked tragic for a moment, but Bargnani deserves the Rocky theme song for shaking it off and showing toughness. He goes to the line with a black eye and drains both free throws before going to the bench.

So does Sam answer back? Does he say “Who do these guys think they are?” Does he send out Primoz (who was cussing up a storm as they cut to the bench, not far from a smiling Humphries) to lay the next guy who comes into the paint on his back? Does he send Maceo out there to knock Johnson down the first chance he gets? Or does he do nothing? I think you know the answer.

I’m going to go out and say it: Anthony Parker is the most underappreciated role player in the league. Battier gets respect, Posey gets his props, David Lee has his cult following, Manu is officially NOT a role player, Najera’s known for his thing… but our very own AP is as valuable a ‘glue guy’ as they come. He consistently goes out there every night and plays within the scope of his role…if he needs to score, he scores. If he needs to rebound, he rebounds. If he needs to defend…well, not the perimeter, but his man D is pretty solid. Bosh and Jose might be the team MVP’s, but we’re lost without Parker. Now if he’d just become a little more vocal, he might blossom into just the type of leader this team needs.

* Bosh is too busy conquering YouTube to take on this r
ole. 

Jose had another brilliant game, barely breaking a sweat on his way to 13 assists in 26 minutes. TJ’s numbers of 13 and 5 look pretty good, but there’s something wrong with this guy. Not because he carries a man-purse (can you say ‘rainbow’?), not because he apparently had a private meeting with Sam and Colangelo’s right hand man before the game, but because he’s totally dominating the ball in a way he never did before… a BAD way.

Here’s the breakdown of TJ’s first stretch on the court, on the offensive end:

TJ Missed FG

TJ Turnover

TJ Pass – Made FG

TJ Missed FG

TJ Missed FG

TJ Steal

TJ Made FG

TJ Pass – Made FG

TJ Made FG

TJ Made FG

TJ Pass – FT’s

Grand total: 11 possessions, 6 shots by TJ (3/6, 50%), 1 steal, 1 TO, and three passes – 1 foul, 2 Made FG. Here’s the problem with this: The PG, in a game we’re winning handily, takes more than half his posesssions one-on-one, takes twice as many shots as passes. When did he turn into 2002 Allen Iverson? This kills the flow of an offense, not that we needed it tonight. When TJ’s not on the court, the ball moved crisp around the perimeter, in and out of the paint for the best possible shot opportunity. When TJ’s in the game, he holds the ball way too long, getting into deep shot clock situations which are good for NO ONE. Point guards pass, their primary role being to run the offense. Jose gets it, but TJ doesn’t right now, overcompensating for…something. 

We can all agree that the while the win was good, Washington will be a more accurate test to see if we’ve crawled out of the depths of dysfunction and back into a playoff team.