Reports from the Air Canada Centre suggest that the Raptors are close to finalizing a reduction in playoff pricing that is sure to get fans excited. The rationale behind the 40% lower bowl price drop is the club trying to align its pricing with its marketing campaigns such as #WeTheNorth, which has united fans across the country, even in desolate outposts such as Edmonton and Calgary.
Television campaigns have prominently featured youth from low-income neighborhoods playing basketball on worn out courts with rusted metal nets (yet still somehow affording to wear a $300 OVO jacket). These soldiers of the streets hold the US media in contempt for not respecting the Raptors, and parade their distaste by being hostile and unapproachable, mostly by staring into the camera without blinking. To further take out their frustrations, these misunderstood vigilantes tirelessly play 3-on-3 basketball at the expense of attending school, thus forfeiting the chance of landing a job not flipping burgers.
The price drop is designed to inject a sense of urban spunkiness into the lower bowl by inviting the lower middle-class to enjoy the pleasures usually reserved for stockbrokers and their mistresses. Though the Raptors will take a hit in gate revenue, they’ll more than compensate for it by finally having a real atmosphere fueled by teenage angst and latent testosterone.
The Raptors have historically made it a point to create a loud and friendly atmosphere at the ACC, one which focuses on entertainment, games, prizes..basically, anything but basketball, with 4Korners supplying a steady dose of inoffensive beats and bleeped out lyrics. The new demographic that the price change is expected to usher in will force the Raptors to rethink their in-game ops. Though early reports remain unconfirmed, it is strongly believed that arena music will be fuelled entirely by amateur Soundcloud mixtapes, with the scoreboard only showing relevant memes and reaction GIFs to in-game events.
“It’s time to give back to the people who we’ve taken so much from”, beamed a proud Masai Ujiri, referring to the thousands of dollars charged for grey zone tickets, and setting All-Star weekend prices so high that it prompted the IMF to sanction an independent investigation into financial crimes. “#WeTheNorth isn’t just a slogan, it’s a way of life”, said Ujiri, as reporters reluctantly jotted down notes while suppressing the urge to ask questions about the gross mismanagement of DeMarre Carroll and Kyle Lowry’s injuries.
University of Toronto finance professor emeritus, James A. Whiteman, described the move as “bold” and pointed out that this was the first time in North American sports that a team over .500 had reduced ticket prices since the Chicago White Sox threw the World Series at the behest of Arnold Rothstein.
Perhaps the most innovative tweak for the upcoming post-season had to be the Raptors use of Snapchat to broadcast games. Proving once again that they “get” millennials, the Raptors turned down lucrative broadcast rights offers from TSN and Sportsnet, instead opting to rely on juvenile miscreants to “snap” the game. The plan almost hit a snag when league officials questioned Toronto on how post-game highlights would be created, only for the Raptors brass to offer “screenshotting” as a solution. After technical discussions which also involved snapping expert, Patrick Patterson, the league relented to the Raptors plans on the condition that the Raptors convince Lindsey Pelas to “follow back” the league’s Snapchat account.
The playoffs are coming to the ACC, along with a wave of kids who’d like to know just what the f**k BMO knows about basketball.
