Game Analysis

Raptors Roll Call March 10 vs Pistons

Slap me. Slap me again. Harder. Your Raptors seem to enjoy it, losing to the Pissed Ons 105-86. We are 13-27 and humiliated.

The “I like to be spanked” edition:

Barbosa: if anything, watching Calderon go down may have just taken any possibility of him packing his bags by Thursday out of any discussion. That or we now have a true test of Colangelo’s man love for Leandro.

Bargnani: the return of the lady killer. Limited minutes, rustier than a sprinkler left out all winter, and about as game ready as a two legged basset hound.

Bayless: next couple of weeks will be a true test to see if he is able to take a back seat and give up shots to other guys. He should be out there getting more people involved than a blonde at a porno shoot. Let’s see him step up.

Calderon: he was either trying to do the Dougie while dribbling a basketball or he twisted his ankle to resemble a twisty straw. That looked more painful than watching CP24 at 4am while nursing.

Davis: it shocked me that he only put up 8 and 5 considering he seemed to have a hand in a lot of plays in his 24 minutes. Loving his energy lately and the extended practice time has brought it out. That said, I would still have more faith in a kangaroo at the free throw line. A blindfolded one. Shooting backwards.

DeRozan: while the entire team played like they just found out they had herpes, DeMar played like he found out he was the cause. Granted that the Pistons probably drew up their defensive game plan to zero in on him (not knowing if Andrea would be back) but still, he played 37minutes with probably 15 of those in garbage-related time and the Pistons no longer covering him like he was George Clooney at a brothel.

Forbes: guess who got to put his slinky away and was invited to play with the other reindeer??  Nooooo, not Rasual Butler, silly…..Gary Forbes!! The pride of Panama came out and stole the show. The only other positive thing he could have done was beat the snot out of that horrendous Piston mascot.  12 points in 16 minutes (granted, mostly garbage) was the only beacon of light for us tonight.

Gray: well one positive is he didn’t have the sole of Monroe’s shoe imprinted on his face at the end of the game. Statistically he faired fine, but his game resembled someone looking for their glasses in a dark room.

A. Johnson: 6 points and 5 rebounds in 17 minutes against his old team just doesn’t cut it. He kinda looked like someone had kicked over his sand castle, peed on it, then gave him a wedgie.  Somebody did and his name is Lawrence Frank. How embarrassing is that?!?!

J. Johnson: you knew what was coming when in the pregame our pals in the studio were giving James enough dap to swell both his heads. To say his parents are currently considering disowning him is letting him off lightly. An American Idol contestant with laryngitis and the physical attributes of a whale would perform better than Johnson in this game.

Kleiza: and then there was Linas. My dog has been sprawled out on my carpet all day. The only time he has left that spot has been to pee, defecate and eat. There were times I thought he actually might be dead. How did I know he wasn’t? He would pass gas, and even as badly as it smelled, it was a floral fragrance compared to the 23 minutes of court time that Linas saw.

Magloire: gave up a couple of hard fouls, watched younger guys blow by him and looked like a buffoon.  All hail the best Raptor signing of the off season.

Driving the bus: Gary Forbes

Under the bus: Linas Kleiza

Theme of the Game:

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