New Year’s Resolutions for Your Toronto Raptors

Why not?

New Years Eve is the time for popping bottles, getting together with loved ones, and swapping serendipitous smooches with unsuspecting strangers people you’ve met more than 15 minutes from midnight. It’s a time to celebrate the year that was – if it was fantastic, cheers to your life and keep it up! If not, at least it’s over and you can try to improve. Turn over a new leaf and delude yourself into thinking that the linear passage of time elapsed across a revolution around the Sun has any significance beyond changing the last digit on a time-stamp. Look into your life through champagne-bottled glasses and see what/who/where you want to be – wealthier, healthier, happier and more accomplished. Set lofty goals, cherish your life and make a mandate for change. Should you fail in practice, at least your mind can stand upon the shoulders of your ideals and look proudly on itself.

None of us are perfect (for example, I just went on a needless 100+ word ramble about New Years) and we can all aspire to be better. This includes our beloved Toronto Raptors, and everyone involved with the organization. So in the spirit of actualizing this gimmick the holidays, here are some New Year’s Resolutions for your Toronto Raptors:

Demar Derozan: Keep working on that three-pointer! After starting off the season shooting 39.3% from deep (through Dec 3), he’s regressed back to near career norms  at 31.3%.

Amir Johnson: “Amir you’re amazing, just the way you are” – Bruno Mars, probably. But actually, you’re amazing. Keep up your post-Gay production and don’t get injured. Actually, just one thing – shoot less of those pick-and-pop jumpers. Those are hideous.

Jonas Valanciunas: Work on developing another post-move! You have one move and everyone knows it – the Jonas. Players have stopped falling for your pump fake and it’s making you predictable. Change it up, son!

Terrence Ross: Be more focused on defense. You’re wickedly athletic but you get caught ball-watching way too often. You can be the three-and-D guy we’ve been missing! Look at how much we loved Anthony Parker and Mo Pete! You too can receive too much love for being a fringe-y starter!

Kyle Lowry: Avoid injuries until Masai trades you to the Knicks for a 2018 1st, Shump AND THJ. Also, get a new stylist. This is unacceptable:

Haters gonna hate, but I’m going to rock this velvet bow-tie.

Greivis Vasquez: Come up with a nickname for yourself. Apparently the one I made up for you is both unfunny and slightly racist. Also, it wouldn’t hurt if you could sink a jumper once in a while.

John Salmons: I get it, you know you’re going to get waived after this season is done and you need to ball-out to get another contract, but stop stealing Ross’ minutes, okay? Yeah you’re better than him now, but he’s here for the future, you’re not. Help yourself to a $1 million dollar buyout on your way out, courtesy of your undoubtedly excellent agent.

Tyler Hansbrough: Make another unintentionally hilarious car ad so J.E Skeets can do another parody video about you. Also, I miss the Basketball Jones. Come back to Canada! Toronto misses you!

Patrick Patterson: Remember when you could stretch the floor with that outside jumper? Where did that ability go? Go find it. You’ll carve out a nice career as a mid-range Donyell Marshall if you do.

Landry Fields: Maybe try sleeping on Jeremy Lin’s couch sometime. Outside of basketball, don’t change a thing, you ridiculously lucky man.

Steve Novak: Shave that mustache. Start hitting some threes. That’s it, basically.

Unless you’re as good as Sidney Crosby, you can’t rock a mustache as weak as this one. It’s okay Steve, I forget that too sometimes.

Austin Daye: I was never all that good with physics. String Theory explains how Austin Daye can be 6’11 and 200 lbs, right? Okay cool.

Chuck Hayes: Are you alive? Has anyone seen Chuck the last couple of days? I haven’t. Maybe he’s with…

Julyan Stone: Are you with Chuck? Do you need a map to find your way off the bench? Maybe this guy can help…

Dwight Buycks: Dude, please tell me you’re with Stone and Hayes. Tell me the next time I see you three won’t be on the side of a milk carton. Also, who’s idea was it to put missing people on milk cartons? Imagine a little 10-year old kid pouring out some milk for his breakfast and seeing morbid black-and-white pictures of missing people. That’s just a little horrifying. Also, please do something cool on the court so I can tweet out this killer joke: “Dwight can ride his Buycks with no handlebars, no handlebars, no handlebars” (P.S: if you caught this reference, and would like to get more #HotTacos, please toss me a follow. I have a pitiful number of followers)

Masai Ujiri: Win back James Dolan’s trust so you can fleece him again. The Knicks still own their 2018, 19, 20, etc 1st rounders.

Dwane Casey: It really wouldn’t hurt if you could draw up a play once in a while. Expand that playbook. Actually, while you’re fixing that playbook, please cross out “Amir Johnson Game Winning Corner Three Attempt”. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Alright I’m out. Enjoy your respective evenings. I hope you spend it with loved ones rather than being antis0cial while watching Raptors-Bulls. Also, please don’t drink and drive. If you’re in Toronto, the TTC is free after midnight. GOTransit is free after 9 PM. Party irresponsibly but get home responsibly! Happy New Years everyone!

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