Because who wants to see Drake host the ESPYs (I do).

The Raptors (1-2) will take on the Rockets (1-2) at 8:30 PM tonight. Apparently it’s a playoff game, and the winner of tonight’s esteemed tussle will earn the opportunity to square off against the mighty Canadian Cavaliers.

But first, before we start fantasizing about a match-up between Canadian Andrew Wiggins and Brazilian Andrew Wiggins (Bruno), our Jurassic squad must eliminate the Rockets in order to stave off extinction.

The mighty Rockets boast a few fringe names, such as Donatas Motiejunas, Nick Johnson and Isaiah Canaan. Expect lots of three-point shooting (what else would you expect from a Morey-built squad?), as the team attempted 29 triples out of 64 total shots in their last contest against the Nuggets. That’s a whopping 45.3 percent, for those who don’t have a calculator handy.

Meanwhile, our Brazilian-heavy squad features the three-headed behemoth of Bebe Nogueira, Scott Machado and Bruno Caboclo. All in all, they’re not all that great at basketball at this point, but I feel comfortable with my favorite team trotting out three Brazilians better at their craft than World Cup pariah Fred is at soccer. Fred is pictured below imitating Brazilian fans’ reactions to him playing soccer.

Feel free to discuss the game in the comments. A full recap will go up sometime tonight after the game. It starts at 8:30 PM.


Raptors up 56-30. Bruno has 12 points on 3-of-5 shooting. Buycks killing it with 16 points on 8-of-9 shooting, also has three assists. He’s actually being a point guard for once, which is nice. Looks like we’re headed to a match with the Cavaliers. This should be fun.


Welp. Spoke too soon. The Raptors somehow lost 93-77. Find out how they did it in my recap.

  • Joe


  • leftovercrack

    Well Mr. Kabongo, if you are stuck to the bench in the summer league, I guess your NBA star isn’t too bright. Sigh!

  • Brandon Holmes

    Loving Bruno’s stroke.. That reach is gonna make him a real treat to guard beyond the arc,

  • balldontlie

    Bebe using dat reach!

  • mountio

    wow – what a collapse! Gotta love summer league

  • brunoandbebe

    that white point guard cant even dribble the ball. how did he play division 1 smh.

  • Eunys

    No wonder why we lost some easy games last season!! Those assistant coaches are useless

    • noname

      No. the players are useless, did you watch the game? No one knows how to run an offence. Our defence is okay.

      • Eunys

        Come on man! the same players were leading by 29 in first half! Coaches should have known better what players they have; anyway

        • noname

          like I said, it’s the offense. They held the rockets to like 37 points at the half, but then our offence straight up *stopped*. That gave the Rockets the entire second half to destroy us and take the win. Jesse Murmuys did a good job as assistant coach during the season. And his trap style defense seems to be working in this summer league (granted, it’s summer league) according to the eye test and to the stats. But maybe he just wanted to develop the defence for the players and didn’t bother making actual sets on offense (cuz there clearly wasn’t any, also according to the eye test).

  • brunoandbebe

    tj bray and john shurna (wannabe novak) are the worst players i ve seen.