deandredeaniels

Because who wants to see Drake host the ESPYs (I do).

The Raptors (1-2) will take on the Rockets (1-2) at 8:30 PM tonight. Apparently it’s a playoff game, and the winner of tonight’s esteemed tussle will earn the opportunity to square off against the mighty Canadian Cavaliers.

But first, before we start fantasizing about a match-up between Canadian Andrew Wiggins and Brazilian Andrew Wiggins (Bruno), our Jurassic squad must eliminate the Rockets in order to stave off extinction.

The mighty Rockets boast a few fringe names, such as Donatas Motiejunas, Nick Johnson and Isaiah Canaan. Expect lots of three-point shooting (what else would you expect from a Morey-built squad?), as the team attempted 29 triples out of 64 total shots in their last contest against the Nuggets. That’s a whopping 45.3 percent, for those who don’t have a calculator handy.

Meanwhile, our Brazilian-heavy squad features the three-headed behemoth of Bebe Nogueira, Scott Machado and Bruno Caboclo. All in all, they’re not all that great at basketball at this point, but I feel comfortable with my favorite team trotting out three Brazilians better at their craft than World Cup pariah Fred is at soccer. Fred is pictured below imitating Brazilian fans’ reactions to him playing soccer.

Feel free to discuss the game in the comments. A full recap will go up sometime tonight after the game. It starts at 8:30 PM.

HALFTIME UPDATE

Raptors up 56-30. Bruno has 12 points on 3-of-5 shooting. Buycks killing it with 16 points on 8-of-9 shooting, also has three assists. He’s actually being a point guard for once, which is nice. Looks like we’re headed to a match with the Cavaliers. This should be fun.

FINAL UPDATE

Welp. Spoke too soon. The Raptors somehow lost 93-77. Find out how they did it in my recap.