When it was announced Chris Bosh would be sitting out the last pre-season game in Europe with a sore left knee, the collective Raptorfan spidey-sense began tingling. Then Chris missed a couple of practices, and the tingling became an itch. Now, with today’s announcement that he’ll likely be in a very expensive suit for (at least) the next two pre-season games, that itch has become a loud, whooping cough that sort of sounds like ‘oh shit’.
It’s not the plantar fascitis, Chris’ never go away (we call it his ‘Rosie O’Donnell’) issue. It’s the same tender left knee from last year. And another injury means another gray hair, another six pack of domestics, another shouting match with your stick-up-their-ass neighbors, another night in bed muttering obscenities to your Glade Plug-In. We know the vicious cycle all too well.
The practical side of me applauds the decision to rest up. Better safe than sorry, as any slight tweak, twist, or sprain could be the difference between missing two pre-season games and missing the 2007-2008 post season. I can see the disgusting scenario unfolding, swirling around like a bat in the cave of my imagination: Chris is sidelined for 20 games while the Raps fight but land just outside the playoffs – too high for the lottery and too low for everything else (but just right for golf, which is exactly what pro athletes need: practice in a totally unrelated sport).
But the impractical, instant-gratification side of me (which is more dominant than Duncan on the block) has tickets to the Oct. 25th game against Cleveland The Lebrons and yearns to see The Big Bosh Man (not to be confused with this guy) in action.
So while others might sit back and hope for his knee to heal, The Dinosty is suggesting a more proactive approach. Why wait for someone to Bay St. bonehead to bump his suitcase into Bosh’s knee while he waits for his bubble tea and inadvertently ruin our season?
Here are a three things that Torontonians (sorry, Raptors diaspora) can do to help ensure Bosh’s knee heals properly and safely:
1. Re-pave The Sidewalks. Our treacherous cracked sidewalks are a ticking time bomb. If Bosh gets a size 13 caught in a crack…there goes the season. Now, I know for most of you, the mere mention of ‘work’ gets you sweaty and panting, but don’t get all crazy – I’m not talking the whole city – just the downtown core. Say, I dunno, from Yonge to Bathurst, from Dundas to Queens Quay. And get rid of those lines in the concrete while you’re at it. In fact, let’s skip concrete all together and go for a more substantial approach – ashphalt. All you need is some gravel, a mixer, a lute, a paver, some grades, a shovel, work boots, and two or three friends (Italians a plus). See, it’s easy!
2. Bubble Suit. Now, it’s not like I jinxed it or anything. That type of thinking is preposterous. But what makes total sense is building Bosh a bubble-wrap suit to wear while he’s healing. Nothing that screams ‘I’m a freak’, but something subtle, even stylish. He really only needs bubble-wrap pants, but knowing he’s a stickler for fashion, he’ll likely want the matching jacket. Here’s how we do it: I’ll contact Harry Rosen’s and give them Chris’ measurements (don’t ask how I got them, it doesn’t matter and I promised her I wouldn’t say anything). All you need to do is drop by any Harry Rosen’s and give them 5 bucks. Tell them to stick it in the ‘Dinosty’ envelope. I’ll do the rest. Since the suit’s not made from silk, cotton, or other costly materials, it shouldn’t take too long to raise the cash. And I’ll only take a small cut of the donations (for, um, administration fees and stuff). What do you get? The image of a healthy superstar walking around secure in the suit you helped purchase should be thanks enough, you greedy creeps.
3. Pray. We’re not a particularly religious group here at the Dinosty, but false idols, offerings, sacrifices, and effigies of all kinds (voodoo dolls are our faves!) are not only accepted but encouraged. Hunger strikes, pilgrimages to the ACC, big Bosh tattoos – feel free to get creative. Have someone you hate? Busting their kneecap just might realign the cosmos, ridding Bosh of his pain. That’s probably what we’ll do. After all, we read somewhere that hurting bad heals good. And if it’s been written, it’s good enough for us.
So what are you waiting for? I’m not going to do all the work. Get out there and protect our biggest asset!
p.s. I need to include this…
<a name=”2716684633″></a>
…in order to register this blog with Ball Hype. Don’t mind it. If you’re like ‘huh? What?’, check it out.