Our boy Lowry did things during a spirited pick-up game.

Western Conference

Stephen Curry – B+

Remember how a shaggy-haired Steve Nash used to wow audiences at All-Star games of yore with fancy behind-the-back passes and pull-up transition triples? Give him a haircut, speed him up four-fold and voila: it’s the legend known as Stephen Wardell Curry.

Steph was made for these games. Vine was made for his game. His intricate dribble moves can’t be described, only watched. What am I writing? This is your early warning: this recap isn’t very good.

Klay Thompson – D

Shot threes, carried around a blank expression that oddly resembles the Easter Islands.

James Harden – A-

Let’s step aside from the All-Star Game for a second. The Beard is my pick for MVP at the break. He’s doing LeBron-type numbers while single-handed powering the Rockets’ otherwise horrid offense. Even his defense is much-improved, to the point where I would even say he’s an average-to-good on that end.

LaMarcus Aldridge – C

He’s got a torn ligament in his thumb. Why is he playing in a pickup game?

Marc Gasol – C-

The battle of the Gasols was fun on paper. But non-athletic bigs are always shunned in these types of games. Unrelated: did you know he lost 100 pounds by cutting McDonalds’ out of his life?

Tim Duncan – OLD

It’s 1:30 a.m. and you’re at the bar with your jacket on. You’re ready to leave. But this girl you’ve been eyeing sends you a text. She tells you to wait — she’s gonna reach in 15. So you take your coat off and wait, checking your watch intermittently. Five minutes pass by. You grab a gin and tonic. Ten minutes pass by. You answer a few Facebook messages. Eventually, 30 minutes have passed by, you’ve shelled out $40 on five drinks and you’ve run out of stickers to send. Then your phone vibrates. “Sorry we’re late. My boyfriend and I are getting in a cab now. Be there soooon ;)” You make a frown and utter a heavy sigh. You clearly don’t want to stick around but you’re committed to saving face, at least. So you order a double shot of Jameson and grit your teeth. That was the equivalent of Tim Duncan’s night. Dude’s too old for this silliness, man.

Dirk Nowitzki – A++++

HE CAUGHT AND FINISHED AN ALLEY-OOP! SHUT IT DOWN. LET’S GO HOOOOME!

DeMarcus Cousins – C-

He scowled a lot, presumably because he knew that he wasn’t going to play with another star until next year’s All-Star Game.

Russell Westbrook – A+

Westbrook is like a shark. He’s composed entirely of muscle and made only for one thing: to attack. To him, weak defense is the equivalent of blood in the water and lanes were open like a 24/7 drive-thru chum bucket (what?). He feasted on dunks and more dunks en route to setting a record for most points in a half with 27 points in the first half before dropping 41 points in 23 minutes. A deserving MVP.

Kevin Durant – FU (to the media)

Treated the game like he treats the media nowadays: with visible contempt. Thanks for coming out, KD.

Chris Paul – B+

He’s just happy to be away from Blake Griffin’s gross elbow for a week.

Damian Lillard – B-

He played. I dunno. Didn’t really watch. Did you know he’s got bars?

Eastern Conference

Kyle Lowry – A+

Started slow but eventually picked up a few sweet assists as his teammates eventually got used to playing with him. He finished with 10 points on 4-of-13 shooting with eight assists.

But forget that. Are you ready to get your mind blown? Lowry dunked for the first time in over two years.

The excessive Hashtag NBA Ballot whoring was worth it.

John Wall – B

It felt wrong watching Lowry toss alley-oops to him. They’re supposed to be rivals.

Carmelo Anthony – D

MJ’s shot over Ehlo. Magic busting out the skyhook. Bird winning the Three Point Shootout with his warmup jacket on. Dr. J’s layup. Ray Allen’s shot in Game 6. ‘Melo dragging his injured body through a miserable half-season with the Knicks so he could shoot 6-for-20 in the All-Star Game. Same thing.

LeBron James – A-

He wanted the MVP so bad. He was gunning out of the gate and finished with 30 points, five rebounds and seven assists. Many of his misses were of the flashy variety — he attempted two 3-pointers with a foot on the center logo in the first quarter alone — but that’s what this game is all about. Otherwise, he put his head down and attacked the basket with vintage vigor and was generally the only player other than Westbrook that took the entire game seriously.

Pau Gasol – C-

See brother Marc.

Kyrie Irving – C

Hot take: He’s got 90 percent of the talent that Curry has.

Atlanta Hawks – B

Real talk: they deserved four all-stars, but they were really boring. Korver hit a bunch of threes and Teague was fast. It reminded me of the time the Pistons had four all-stars. It was a cool idea, but not really all that fun to watch in a meaningless game.

Chris Bosh – INC

He did typical Bosh things, like making weird faces and coveting opportunities to do routine guard things, like dribbling. That stretch with the Big Three era really changed him.