The “most boring game ever” edition

Bargnani – rough night for the (giggle)#1 pick. He was as hot as ice cubes in the Arctic.  He did knock some down late, but early on he was as ugly as Popeye Jones. No fouls, though. Pop them bottles.

Bosh – that look at the end of the game said it all. I think we have officially reached that “we just need a win” benchmark that every team leader hates to reach.  5 rebounds is disappointing, but so is the team he is playing for. Gotta suck it up and provide that spark though, Chris.

Calderon – anytime you’re ready there, sunshine. You may as well play…it’s not like we are going to need you in the playoffs.

Graham – yikes. The big zero. May as well have pulled a Kapono and called in sick.  The only thing less fulfilling than his game tonight would be lite beer.

Humphries – he has an owie. Difference between him and HO is that (a) he sits on the bench to support his team and (b) it’s an actual injury.

Jawai – he saw action!!!!! In true Raptor style, he was fed the ball and immediately travelled. All those practice hours with Kapono and Bargs has paid off. That clinging you hear is the tapping of Fosters cans in celebration. First Obama and now this. I can die happy.

Kapono – you knew this night was made for history when, on his first touch, he drove to the bucket and laid it up like a fat man stumbling with a pizza in his hands. It went in, though. On any given night, he can be the most frustrating Raptor. Of course, on any given night, he could be the first free agency signing by a team in desperate need of rebounding and interior help. Thanks, Bry. Hope they strip search you at the border.

Moon – No smile, no headband, but still rocking the knee-highs. Hit the only 3 he took and you can BET he was dedicating it to the fans. Anybody else notice him just jogging up the court a few times tonight? This guy should be in the NBA about as much as I should (legally) be in Mariah Carey.

O’Neal – hey look, the coin finally came up tails and he decided to play!!! Yay!!! Now, you don’t think he played because it was the scene of his little brouhaha or because he was up against Sheed? That can’t be it, right? Surely. Oh and nice mopey face all night. That should inspire your teammates and show them you care. The guy has as much class as a drunk stripper at a biker bar.

Parker – kind of strange how when I see him listed as our starting PG, I feel kind of ……safe. 10pts 8 assists and, most importantly, effort. I’m sure he must feel like he is playing with pylons as teammates.

Solomon – a faux-hawk? Seriously? Wow. Rocking it in Detroit no less. Say what you want about our Will, but boy has some rocks. Outshone Yoko tonight, but of course that’s like saying I can outdrink a priest.

Ukic – 2 quick, really quick, fouls. Also, what’s up with how Horseface Killer holds his hands on his hips? Kind of freaky, no? Not often you see that stance in North American pro sports. I still say he should see the D-League before Nathan does. He needs help.

Voskuhl – all he has to do is start swinging and whipping a towel and he will be JYD 2.0. I can barely wait to see his highlight reel at the end of the season. Thank God he played for the Suns, otherwise he would never have seen the light of day again in the NBA……unless he played in Europe, then Maurizio might know him.

Driving The Bus:   Chris Bosh

Under The Bus:    Joey Graham

Game Theme:      Morse Code

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