Not in a million fucking years did I ever think I was going to say those words. The pain of watching Colangelo’s lack of moves this off-season has been compounded with the Celtics acquiring two Hall of Famers to supplement a perennial all-star. You don’t have to be a basketball analyst to figure out that they’re loaded to the tits and just waiting for the regular season to start so they can finally eradicate the stain on the Atlantic division by aiming for the Conference title.
I’m a layman so I’ll put this in my terms and think out loud about the current status of the Atlantic. The Celtics have Kevin Garnett who is currently superior than Bosh – do not argue with me on this, I will fuck you up. Ray Allen might be the best shooter in the league coming off screens, pulling up, fading away, with his arms between his legs, whatever! Paul Pierce when healthy is unstoppable, just ask X and instead of X you can use any small forward in the league. The Raptors counter with Anthony Parker and Jason Kapono? WTF, are you serious? Are you fucking serious man?!?
Let me start a new paragraph. Remember that Seinfeld episode when Kramer goes Serenity now, serenity now, that’s me since the KG trade only I’m saying Make a move BC, make a move. It’s getting pretty scary just sitting here and watching the fucking Knicks, yes the Isaiah led Knickerfuckingbockers acquire Zach Randolph who I only pray has enough weed and cocaine with him to last a full season because if he starts playing all motivated Bosh just might’ve become the third best PF in THE ATLANTIC DIVISION. THE ATLANTIC DIVISION…ECHOES…THE ATLANTIC DIVISION.
I’ve always had low standards in measuring Raptors success (can you blame me?) but the past season has spoiled me and unless we win a playoff series this year, the season will be considered a failure – I know, it’s crazy. If the roster stands as it is, and with the new look Celtics and Knicks, we probably go 3-5 at best against them instead of 6-2 so right there you can knock off three wins from last season. Now take into consideration what this does to our division standing and also factor in that the Central Division is no slouch and we might just be getting squeezed for a playoff spot. Also, don’t forget the Nets, they want Jermaine O’Neal. What’s this? Bosh might be the fourth best PF in the Atlantic? Shit I’m about to call 911.
Now I’m not one for making a move for the sake of making a move but I say we make a move for the sake of making a move. Andrei Kirilenko, sure, make him watch Boys Don’t Cry and bring him in to guard KG and Randolph. Let me go off on a tangent and make a bold statement: Lindsay Lohan is a slut. Bolder? Bryan Colangelo might as well be a corpse as far as this summer is concerned. The man has literally sat on his ass and watched everybody in his division become an instant contender. Maybe this is going to be a “wait and see” year as in let’s wait for next summer’s free agents and see what happens then.
Now there’s plenty of time till training camp and I want to see some moves happen, some real moves. Even Francisco Elson or Amir Johnson or DeSagana Diop will do at this point. Andris Biedrins anyone? I would kill for Mehmet Okur and I swear for a moment yesterday I actually entertained the idea of Charles Oakley as a backup backup backup backup backup PF. Let’s calm down and think about this rationally, what are the chances of KG, Pierce and Allen being healthy all year? Not great, what are the chances of two of them playing together for at least 65-70 games? Pretty good I’d say, that’s dangerous enough for me.
Oh yeah those of you fuckers talking about a Championship Window like it’s a fucking noun, stop with that nonsense already. It doesn’t work that way, you can’t have contention windows when your team can’t get past the first round and the league is as volatile as a Baghdad supermarket. BC isn’t sitting in his office with Google Calendar open and figuring out his window for contention, he’s trying to recreate the success of last season by keeping the core of the team together so we can get some playoff gates. For a franchise that’s never been past round 2, championships are the farthest thing from your mind. We’re like a 13 year old teenager trying to get to second base, fuck scoring, let’s just try to get a glimpse of third.
Done!
