Congrats. You guys seem to be back to beating teams you’re supposed to beat.

- Matt M. aka “the Linkmaster” from Hardwood Paroxysm.

We had a better percentage in every offensive statistic, more boards, more assists, more steals, more blocks, and less turnovers. That’s a pretty decisive asskicking. When was the last time we heard the Salami and Cheese* come out with minutes left in the third?

* For the out-of-towners, “Salami and Cheese” is one of the catch-phrases of our broadcast voice, Chuck Swirsky. It means he’s declaring victory. And everyone under 16 just LOVES it.

We caught the Milwaukee Sucks™ on the second half of a back to back and it was clear they didn’t have anything to bring to the court. They fizzled after the first 20 minutes and ran on Gatorade and Mo Williams’ sprained pinkie painkillers for the rest of the game.

Is it me, or are the Bucks the Eastern Conference Clippers? I have nothing to back that up, just a feeling I have. Futile, uninteresting teams you try and swap your tickets for. After starting 7-4, they’ve plummeted to 17-27 and this wouldn’t be an issue except the fact that they have a pretty good roster. There’s some decent talent on that squad, and most of it young.

That being said, I have some questions for the Bucks:

1) Have you ever considered that you might be losing because your commentators refer to Larry Krystkowiak as “Coach K.”? Not once, not twice, but constantly. Pretty sure that passes for sacrelige in most parts. You have two choices: Stop immediately, or start calling Michael Redd “Magic” and nosedive for the #1 pick.

2) Is Jake Voskhul really more valuable on your roster than Paul Shirley?

(DiNote: This is the first time”Jake Voskhul” and “valuable” have been written in the same sentence.)

3) How’s that Bobby Simmons thing coming along? Huh? Going well? Getting your $47 millon worth?* I’m sure half the obese couch potatoes in your city could average 7 points and 3 rebounds on a basement team.

*I’d like to see a stat tracking Most Improved Player awards that coincide with a contract year.

4) If Charlie V is the only player on your squad who comes to play, why does he only get 15 minutes of action?

5) With guys like Awvee Storey, Royal Ivey, and Ramon Sessions*, I think your strategy of employing guys based on the originality of their names might need to be reconsidered.

*Coolest name in the NBA? Got my vote.

They had a better chance of spontaneously combusting than hitting a free throw, going 10-22 from the line. 45% from the line will kill you 100% of the time, especially when you’re taking 20+ free throws.

Bobby Simmons is clearly boxing out his teammate in this photo. In case you missed that.

But as poor as Milwaukee played, you gotta give credit where credit’s due. Another solid communal effort across the board. Of course, it helps that a few of our guys were in a NBA Jam-like hot zone:

Anthony Parker: 6-6, 13 points

Carlos Delfino: 7-12, 18 points (Kid Argentina is shooting 9-11 from downtown over the past two games. For $4 million less than The Kapono Situation.)

Bosh: 12-19, 32 points*

* Bosh has been unconscious over the past month. He’s shooting like 93% or something. Chris has also ratcheted up his intensity to vein-popping levels. This bodes well for a winning streak.

And he still does shit like this! If he doesn’t get asked to the All-Star reserves, he should sue the NBA.

Reason #413 Why I Love Jose: After a defensive switch, he finds himself isolated at the top of the key, guarded by Andrew Bogut. While Calderon could have easily blown past the flat-footed Aussie for a lay-in, instead he immediately feeds the ball directly into Bargnani, who was posting up Mo Williams. Easy 2 points, but more importantly, the RIGHT decision.

(Do you really think TJ would have passed up the chance to snap Bogut’s ankles? Just saying…)

Who knew Ocho had hops?

Bargnani, coming off a hot game in Boston, couldn’t hit a basket to save his life early on. He played out of control, losing his focus at times. Example A: Mo Williams tripped when covering Bargnani on the baseline, and there was NO ONE between him and the rim. Instead of taking it to the rack (dude IS 7 feet, after all) he paused, seemingly surprised with all the space he had, and took a flat jumper that was long. But he played through his offensive issues (clap clap!), grabbing seven boards and ending up with 13 points in only 20 minutes.

How do you say “booyakasha” in Italian?

The picture above is from the third quarter. As you can see, Bosh leaped up to dunk it home but is fouled by Bogut. What you don’t see is that Bogut then proceeds to wag his finger, as if he Dikembe’d CB4.

Dude, a) you didn’t block him and b) you got called for the foul! Next time he wags his finger, I hope Bosh rips it off.

I figured I’d leave the sour stuff ’till the end.

Joey Graham, Darrick Martin, Rasho Nesterovic, Carlos Delfino, Jason Kapono. This lineup teaches us two things:

1. I don’t ever want to see them on the court together again. Ever.

2. Sam Mitchell has ZERO respect for the Bucks.

Joey Graham: Two offensive fouls (a charge, and a hook) and one blocking foul within 45 seconds. When he gets the ball on offence, it’s like a horse with blinders on. All he can think to do is put his head down and go straight or auto-jack a shot. Proof that all the physical talent in the world doesn’t make up for no brain*.

*…and the reason Brent Barry has a job.

Sad to say it because I was hopeful, but the Kapono Situation has turned rancid. 0-6 in 19:59 of playing time (he hit his only shot with 1 second left in the 4th, which I don’t count.) 1 rebound, 1 assist. Not exactly the way to get ahead in the rotation. This blows, because he is a good shooter, he’s not just in any sort of rhythm and his confidence must be plummeting quicker than Britney Spears’ sexiness.* If he gets hot for a game or two later in the season, he may be able to mask the smell. But for now…

* Remember when you used to google the shit out of her? Now she’s possibly the crustiest girl at the bar.

********

Got a few days off, which is nice. Seeing as how posting your All-Star picks is as vogue as teen pregnancy, we’ll be throwing ours up over the next day or two (unless we get Damon first!).

Oh…vote. Best Sports Blog and Best New Blog. (I’m sorry. I’m starting to annoy myself too. Just a couple more days…then the nonsense will be behind us.)

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