You know those fancy upper-crust masquerade soirées where everyone wears those little velvet pastel-colored Phantom of the Opera masks so that they can wander anonymously through the crowd? And the beautiful-on-the-inside (read: ugly) common chambermaid, who’s stolen her passed-out employers outfit, slips on her gown and mask (which fit perfectly) whereby she summons up the courage to venture into the dance, inevitably catching the eye of the uber-tanned, handsome wealthy wonder-man*?
*If it were me, the braces would’a given it away.
They dance, sparks fly, and soon, they’re on the terrace, under a star-lit sky, the warm Carolina breeze setting the mood. He leans in to kiss her, but requests she takes the mask off so that he may marvel at her beauty. The chambermaid, meanwhile, knows full well that the only reason she’s standing here with Prince Charming Pectorals is because her true abhorrent repulsiveness is veiled. So she refuses, and during a passionate tussle, her mask falls off (gasp!), revealing to her paramour the reality of the situation. How does he react to her ‘posing’ as someone else? With anger!
In the first game of the back to back, the Wizards wore one hell of a mask*. And despite their
best mediocre efforts last night, that mask fell off in the first quarter, and the Raptors responded furiously to being duped. ‘Cause honestly, if you took off the mask expecting to see a hot chick but was faced with Andre Blatche’s reverse mowhawk goatee**, you’d be pretty pissed too.
* Totally a horrible analogy, but I was in a Harelequin mood so I hope you’ll allow it.
*Those two little islands of fur on either side of his chin take courage, a steady hand, and sheer, straight-from-high-school stupidity.
Remember me? Blatche just got bitched!
Seriously, once the Raptors realized they are SO MUCH BETTER than those scrubs, they went straight for the jugular. They all put pinned the Wiz down and took turns probing with a Sodomizer 3000. When the ball wasn’t piercing the twine from downtown, it was being skipped around the half court too quick for the Wiz’s defence to react. If Bosh and Calderon played 30+ minutes, we might have won by 50.
As it stands, we tied the franchise record for ass-kicking with the 39 point drubbing. But in all fairness to Eddie Jordan’s boys, it was going to be incredibly difficult for them to duplicate their blatant overachievement in game one. That’s why it’s called an ‘over‘ achievement, because it’s not supposed to go down like that.
It’s supposed to go down like THIS.
On Tuesday we couldn’t help that our shots weren’t falling; on Wednesday, those same shots fell, as did pretty much anything that left our hands. True, we did play with more discipline, committing only 7 turnovers, but the story of this game wasn’t how good we played. This isn’t meant to take anything away from the Raps, I’m merely saying that’s the type of game we SHOULD be having against a Caron/Gilbert-less Wizards team on our home court.
By the way, can we talk about this for a second: Apparently Roger Mason turned down a 3yr, $3 million deal with the San Antonio Spurs (yes, the same Spurs that are the World Champions) to take a 1-year deal with the Wiz so that he could “prove he’s worth more?” How big does your ego have to be for you to say “No thanks, Scarlett Johanson and Rachel Bilson, I totally appreciate the offer…but I think I’m gonna pass on that threesome. Sounds like a blast, but I’m going to hold out and see what else comes along.”
You know how this ends? Alone at last call with a Hustler magazine in the handicapped bathroom*. Enjoy, Roger.
* Or in this technologically advanced age, sitting in a 24-hr coffee shop surfing the “casual encounters” section of Craigslist on your Blackberry at 2 in the morning.
Moving on…as Doug Smith reported, last night’s shooting spree and rebound-o-rama wasn’t the most exciting aspect of the game.
“I swear on one move, I saw Bargnani dribble with his head up.”
It’s true, but to me this is cannot be good. If Bargnani isn’t staring at his shoes while he lowers his shoulder and bull-charges into the lane…clearly armageddon is near.
67 points over the 2nd and 3rd quarters for 122 total. BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM! 56.6% FG. 72.2% 3-pt. That’s how we do, Washington. Where’s that hand-wave now, DeShawn?
That’s FEAR in his eyes. Fear of the Moon.
With a forty point cushion (that’s 4-Oh), our big boys weren’t forced to play 50+ minutes tonight. Instead, it was a party! Everyone got some burn, everyone scored (even Joey!), everyone smiled and pumped their fists. Remember Maceo Baston? Not only did he get minutes, but he gave us some jimmy-jams and reminded us why he’s on the payroll (to dunk during garbage time).
In fact, when there’s a game featuring photos of both Maceo Baston AND Joey Graham, it’s obvious the other team didn’t come to play.
From the beginning of the second half, Washington was waving the white flag. And if you asked our broadcast team, the game was in the can with 5 minutes left in the third, when both the salami and cheese AND prosciutto and provolone were broken out. Man, did they think that was funny. Me? I’m still laughing. Oh, and what about this one:
Said Chuck Swirsky: “No way we can blow a 26 point lead at home. No way.”
Shhhhhhh! Nevermind, Antawn, pretend you didn’t hear that…
[pulling Chuck aside]
WHAT THE HELL, MAN? You can’t be saying shit like that! What’s wrong with you – have a short memory? Lebron?!? Dallas?!? Repeat: Don’t say this stuff if you want us to be friends. Which I think you do.
[hangs his cute bald head in shame]
That’s right, Dinosty. You tell ’em!
Finally, tonight’s the night the All-Star reserves are announced. Don’t know about you, but I couldn’t sleep last night. Picturing Jose in those fancy jerseys bring a tear to my eye. I’m pretty sure Twisty is safely in, but I will dance both the merengue AND the salsa if the Ocho is chosen.
Before I go, some housekeeping:
Voting for the Canadian Blog Awards is now closed. Sigh. The begging, the badgering, and the bribery is now behind us. A sincere thanks to all those who voted (even YOU!). I’ll keep you posted once they announce the winners.
Also, I promised the three people who didn’t hear the FAN590 interview that I would post it online. Now, after six hours of technical support, it’s firmly on the YouTube. You can view it hear it here.
As you’ll no doubt notice the Human Adam’s Apple, the Miles Nadal misfit, the one and only Mr. Zack Antonio Cooper has a pretty awesome radio show, “Sportscentral with Zack Cooper”, which I encourage all of you to lend an ear Mondays from 8pm-12am, on AM590 or the fan590.com. It’s fun, it’s informative, and if I keep complimenting it, maybe he’ll have me back on.Follow @raptorsrepublic