As you can see, the boys from the home office in Athabasca, Alberta are super excited about Reggie Evans joining the Raptors and they have prepared this list in his humble honour. The category is Top Ten Goals For Reggie Evans Next Season.
10. Bring his grandfather’s “whooping belt” to the first day of training camp to make damn sure the Raptors understand that making it into the playoffs is better than getting an ol’ fashion whooping from a bygone era
9. Gain a lasting psychological advantage over opposing players by leaking a story that he’s a practicing voodoo worshipper capable of casting curses on their souls.
8. Help Bryan Colangelo negotiate a new contract with the agent representing Shawn Marion by suggesting that his client will be spending considerable time on the injured list if doesn’t agree to re-sign with the Raps for 3 years/$22M.
7. Challenge Roko Ukic for “scariest farm animal face” on the team.
6. Teach Nathan Jawai how to avoid getting boxed out by reaching down and pulling a player’s testicles.
5. Become Kris Humphries’ nightclub caddy so he can pick up the throwaway hussy’s from Hump’s expansive female entourage. And in exchange…
4. Become a locker-room mentor to Humphries and get him to follow in his footsteps by becoming a rugged, dependable energy player specializing in rebounding and post defence.
3. Get an off-season boost of confidence by partnerng with Raptor Assistant Coaches Alex English and Alvin Williams and beating up the competition at this summer’s NBA 3-on-3 tournament.
2. Show the NBA why he’s the best undersized rebounder since Dennis Rodman by winning the league rebounding title.
…And finally, the #1 Goal for Reggie Evans Next Season is…
1. Help turn the Raptors into the most focused, harden, tenacious and fearless team in the Eastern Conference!