American GladiRaptors

6 mins read

Because my favorite sports team is a bunch of diaper-wearing noodle-soft fragile wimpy daffodils, I have to look elsewhere for my testosterone dose (and Remington’s isn’t my idea of a good time). 

Thankfully, American Gladiators is back!!

Click here before you proceed to get in the zone.

It’s only the most amazing show ever to hit the airwaves (and if you argue this, you’re against freedom. Why do you hate freedom?) Seriously, the Sopranos and Lost have nothing on AG.  Back in the day I used to re-enact Assault, the Joust, and Powerball in my basement. Of course, being an only child, I always kicked ass at the Eliminator, which gave me the sense of omnipotence I carry with my today. After all, there’s nothing better to boost a brainy kid’s self-esteem than knocking the stuffing out of his stuffed animals.

The 2008 version is ‘to the extreme’, just as you’d expect. It boasts more steroids than an MLB roster, bigger boobs than the Knicks frontcourt, and tougher contenders than that lame NBC show “Contender”. All the events are jacked up to near-insane levels, my favorite new twist being the Lake of Fire you have to swim under in the Eliminator. A LAKE OF FIRE! Have I mentioned it’s the best show EVER? 

Because I’ve been bigger and tougher than my dad since I was eight, I looked to guys like Laser and Nitro for lessons on manhood (and Malibu, easily the coolest Gladiator of all time before he was hampered with injuries). After all, these Gladiators epitomized male success. They could have been doctors, lawyers, or astronauts, but these guys chose to don red, white, and blue spandex and protect the nation (from doctors, lawyers, and astronauts). Better role models there could not be.

So while we wait here in Toronto, aching for a physical presence to fortify our fragile (f)roster, let’s take a look at 2 of the newest behemoths (and one behemette!) breaking necks in the name of the good ol’ U S of A, and how they could help our timid Raptors roster.

WOLF

 

If Dennis Rodman taught us anything, it’s that teams can benefit from a gimmick. And don’t you think Eastern Conference guards would think twice about penetrating with a howling, unkempt freak roaming the paint? Besides, it’s a well-known fact* that black urban males are terrified of wolves. Awwoooooooo!

* I dreamt it.

Also, he’d be great for commericals and public appearances: Wolf, aka Don “Hollywood” Yates, is also a (wannabe) actor (voice type: Baritone). Don’t believe me? His middle name is Hollywood – that should be evidence enough.

Here’s a pic taken from Wolfie’s website. Tell me the li’l sickos at Sick Kids Hospital wouldn’t squeal in terror delight when this follicled freak walked through the door carrying candygrams? 

JUSTICE

 

To me, the most intimidating Gladiator. He’s got crazy-long limbs, looking like a muscle-bound Andrew Bynum protecting that Gauntlet. But can he actually play basketball? Sure! It’s listed right on his resume, before cycling, under ‘visually impaired’.  The latter would help bring the much sought-after ‘physically challenged’ demographic into the ACC . Sign him up, BC.

 HELGA

  

If you’ve ever played pick up ball with a girl, you know nobody wants to hit the chick. And in the hyper-senstive NBA, where every play and every foul is scrutinized by the media, Helga could throw her weight around without fear of retaliation. And yes, she’s massive, seen below dwarfing Hulk Hogan.

 

Love the pigtails. So Danny Fortson.

She’s also pretty foxy, though in some of these pictures (scroll to bottom) she might have a penis. Seeing as most NBA players think with their penis and not with their head-penis*, she could be an additional distraction on the court, coupled with Carlos Delfino’s pretty pout for a great one-two punch.

* A new Dinosty record for ‘penis’ in a paragraph. I have a feeling this one will stand a looonnnngg time. 

Before you write this one off as a simple gimmick, Helga is one tough bambette. Check out “Helga” (Robin Coleman)’s resume.  World’s Strongest Woman? Professional Wrestler? All she’s missing is “Ninja”…oh wait, mixed martial arts…she’s got that too. 

Convinced yet? Waive Darrick Martin, Maceo Baston, and Joey Graham, and go after Wolf, Justice, and Helga. 

Meet all the Gladiators here in this unintentionally hilarious promo-video. (highlights: “Walking into a lion’s cage weari
ng a porkchop suit”, Mayhem looking and acting like a cracked-out drag queen,  the English-language challeged Militia boasting he’s “fast, speedy, and determination”, and Titan proving he’s a shoo-in for the live action “Incredibles” movie).

(DiNote: Thank you for allowing me this distraction. Much needed.) 

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