It’s been a frustrating couple of months for Raptor fans. There’s been far more losses than anyone expected. Lou Williams broke up with one of his girlfriends. Derozan missed an open 360 dunk on basketballs biggest stage. Everything has seemed off.
Lots of theories have emerged as to why a team that started out so strong has spent most of the new year in mediocrity, however finding a definite reason among fans hasn’t been easy.
It’s time for a different approach. The Talking Raptors crew are about innovation and thinking outside the box.
Nick and Barry watched the Monday night game between the Raptors and Rockets while drinking Absinthe and recording their thoughts on the team. The hope was that if they drank enough while watching the game the effects of the absinthe would provide a hallucinogenic vision of where the team needed to improve.
Here’s a recap of their findings.
PREGAME: RAPTORS – ROCKETS
NICK AND BARRY STATUS – Sober
Barry: I’ve only ever had absinthe when I was already very inebriated so I don’t really know what it did to me. I don’t think it will give us any hallucinogenic visions which is unfortunate because I was really, really hoping that was going to happen.
Nick: My only experience with absinthe comes from the movie Euro Trip. I think they drink absinthe in that movie and trip out,that’s all I know.
Barry: This is where we are with this team. We’re desperate for answers.
Nick: Hell of a Monday.
END OF FIRST QUARTER: RAPTORS 27 – ROCKETS 27
STATUS OF NICK and BARRY: Warm
N: I’m very warm. The team is playing well. We’ve got some Lou William pepper sauce happening right now. Lou Williams is on fire.
B: The team does look very good so far. I also feel very warm. It feels like a buzz from three or four pints. No hallucinations yet. God willing those are coming.
N: We’ll do our best.
B: After one quarter and one absinthe drink this team looks pretty good.
END OF SECOND QUARTER: RAPTORS 48 – ROCKETS 52
STATUS OF NICK and BARRY: Drunk
B: Here’s the biggest news. When you drink enough absinthe it numbs the inside of your mouth so you can’t taste it anymore. It goes down far more easily.
N: It tastes like disgusting black licorice.
B: On this amount of absinthe the team looks pretty good.
N: We look good for three minutes and then-
B: Can we talk about this real quick. Why is everyone wearing blue suits?
N: Except for Leo. Everyone else is. Blue suits are great. With some brown shoes and a brown belt.
B: Which coach do you think they’re going to interview after the break? If it’s Sterner, oh god…
N: I think Tom Sterner is my guardian angel.
B: That’s…
N: Let’s get real for a minute. I watched a Netflix documentary called the Hidden Hand. It’s about aliens and basically how aliens have been here since the beginning of time. I think Tom Sterner is one of the aliens that’s been integrated into the human race. He lives among us and reports back to his people. I know it’s a stretch but…
B: If those aliens are real, odds are Tom Sterner is one of them.
N: That’s why he looks directly at you even on camera. The documentary notes that for all of these aliens, telekinesis is a big part of their life.
B: I’m on board.
END OF THIRD QUARTER: RAPTORS 74 – ROCKETS 76
STATUS OF NICK and BARRY: Drunker
N: It’s a goddamn game.
B: Really good game. I don’t know if it’s the effects of the drinks but this team is awesome.
N: Shout out to DEMAR DEROZAN! I’m pumped man. I’m gonna put a Demar poster up in my room. DEMAR IS BACK BABY!
B: Woah.
N: That air ball three in the first quarter though. Shout out to that too.
B: I was hoping we hallucinated that.
N: No that was real.
END OF GAME: RAPTORS 99 – ROCKETS 96
STATUS OF NICK and BARRY: Sloppy drunk
N: Demar De-goddamn-rozan!
B: It feels like we pre-drank, went to a bar, got hammered until last call and are drinking back at someone’s house. But we’ve only been drinking for a couple hours. No visuals but I definitely endorse drinking absinthe and watching the Raptors. No hallucinations but very efficient.
N: I can’t drink that much more to be honest with you. My esophagus feels like it’s on fire. I’m hammered drunk.
B: In conclusion…
N: I feel like John Witherspoon.
B: John Witherspoon?
N: Yeah, you know the dad in Friday.
B: Yeah.
N: I think that’s his name. John Witherspoon. I’m 80% sure.
B: I’ll Google it *looks up Friday movie dad on phone”
N: Tell me the scoop…
B: According to IMDB… John Witherspoon!
N: YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT!
