Going into two very winnable games at home. But apparently ‘winnable’ and ‘win’ have less in common than I thought. Apparently the Raptors, like many men, just can’t seem to win at home.
Tonight, we set our sights on the Pacers. After their 3-0 start, The Indiana Irrelevants have lost six straight, re-aligning the cosmos and sending Charles Barkley back into his orbital loop.
Ordinarily, I’d be excited to play a crappy team when we’re in a slump, except I’m not sure if WE’LL be the crappy team tonight or if I can find ANYTHING about this Pacers team that gets me excited. Unless Jamal Tinsley gets caught at Pearson with a sawed-off shotty and a half-key of blow, I’m going to need a bigger bong to get through this sludge…er, NBA matchup.
Wait a minute! I totally forgot. We got some Cain vs. Abel, Donny vs. Mark, Marlon vs. Keenan Ivory shit on tap for tonight! Joey and Stephen Graham face off in a highly anticipated battle of the street clothes. Who’s got fresher kicks? A tighter fade? Be sure to tune in for every exhilarating minute tonight, only on zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
(Their parents must be so proud.)
Question for you, Larry Bird: How does one run an NBA franchise without any distinguishable star, intruiguing marketing angle, or consistent competition? At least Cleveland, who would be a Pacers doppleganger without Lebron, has Lebron. You have LeDanny. And when Jeff Foster putbacks and Tinsley turnovers comprise your ESPN appearances…let’s just say there’s not a lot of kids fighting over who gets to be the Pacers in NBA ’08.
You could have the most uninteresting team in the NBA – you’ve got a point guard who’s never done anything right, five thousand identical white shaggy-haired clones, and Danny Granger. Oh, remember once when Jermaine O’Neal was good? He’s shooting 38% this season, which is still highter than the number of Torontonians who can actually locate Indiana on a map (no dude, that’s Illinois). I love the guys who still pick JO in the second round of a fantasy draft…might as well draft Shaq up there too.
Some questions for our Raptors going into tonight:
– Are we going to see Bargnani return to form?
– Are we going to see TJ pass the ball?
– Are we going to see Chris Bosh score a field goal in the first quarter?
– Are we going to see more strange, seemingly inexplicable substitutions (more on this in a second.)
– Are we going to use our time-outs, or continue to save them up for a rainy day?
– Are we going to see, as someone apparently heard on the Fan 590, Maceo Baston as the starting center? (Say it ain’t so, please. At the very least, if Rasho’s injured, Humph has earned a chance to start. Didn’t Sam say he earned a chance to play the 4th quarter against Utah? Since he hasn’t played a game since then, you’d think he’s still ‘in the good books’ . Or, you know, we could always start that guy Bargnani. I hear he’s pretty good. Sam’s pig-headedness is, like Selma Blair, getting old, fast.)
Some thoughts on the Pacers:
– Can you imagine a city actually MISSING Stephen Jackson and Al Harrington? AND Scott Pollard? If you told Indiana fans after the Malice that they would end up wishing Jack-o was still around to spice things up, they’d say you’re nuts. Of course, they’d probably have their fat mouths full of nuts at the time. Lots of salty, salty nuts.
– Jermaine O’Neal is about as threatening on the court as a Buddhist army of water balloon-chucking midgets. (I seen ’em!)
– Jamal Tinsley’s body language suggests he’d really much rather be playing Xbox and smoking Philly blunts.
– Danny Granger is long overdue to join Andre Igoudala and Al Jefferson’s “Young Lonely Superstars” support group. They meet bi-weekly to eat dim sum and watch Teen Wolf. True story.
If you can’t tell, I like exactly no one on this team, yet I’m sure some obscure cornfucker not named Mike Dunleavy Jr. will drain 6-8 from behind the arc to send the home crowd into a panic.
Let’s just hope it doesn’t come down to a last minute possession. ‘Cause apparently, we don’t do those so well.
P.S. By the way, what’s up with Garbo? Since when did he become the bearded version of this kid? (Let’s hope it doesn’t escalate to this.)
Where’s the Pacer Pride now?
